I Can't Think of a Title

It's 1:05 AM in my clock, as of now. And I wanna cry myself to sleep.

Sadly (no pun intended), I can't cry.


This is so tragic.


Is this what they call depression?

Reclusion, Thy Name is I

I feel like one of those old, sick, dying book characters tormented writers write about.

I got the old feel in the pockets. My environment, it seems to me, is antique. Some of my "friends" have faded into the background of an old 50's movie that will presumably be forgettable. My previous "passions" (can't believe I just used the word in plural form) have dissolved into a new (old, actually) kind of impasse...one that I can't explain thoroughly because I don't understand much either. I feel like I just lived and excruciatingly survived 9 lifetimes.

And my birthday is fast-approaching.


So yeah, I feel old.



I am a human disease stick. My life energy is currently getting sucked up by random whirlpools that come in the forms of "friends", enemies and ... internal factors (like too much anxiety, paranoia and hypochondria). Literally, I AM a human disease stick. Today's just 4 days since my high fever bid adieu to my body...and I've already relapsed. Right now, I'm coughing. My throat feels as if a meter stick of a rose with bloody thorns had stuck to it. And there's an overall feeling of dizziness. Alas, my vertigo attacks!

And I feel like...puking which is as rare as Mowgli's syndrome. (Mowgli's syndrome is rare, right?)


So yeah, I feel sick.



I define life as an equilibrium of...things. Now that my social life has gone off the hook, I'm dead. Or at least, part of me is dead. Or maybe dying. Truth is, I don't really know. I've got heaps of problems again. I vow to anticipate the first few weeks of January from now on. Something tragic always happens weeks before my birthday. The weighing scales of my life have either burst because of obesity or anorexia. I know, I know. I could get sued for my choice of words. But getting sued is actually better than facing drama that my "friends" have bequeathed me (let's just substitute the word "bequeathed" with the word "BETRAYED" - all caps) with. How big of a fool am I, anyway? I've had let these "friends" betray me before and I've done so AGAIN. I should be awarded for this!

And this is the part where I hate them all for being so defensive for something wrong they did. They should be condemned for doing this to me. I should be hanged for being the most used person in the planet.


So yeah, I feel like I'm dying.



I always tell people: "I have a life!" ...which translates to: My life is near bliss because it's packed with a social life, a family life, a spiritual life, a career (life), a whatever life... you name it, I'm too old, sick, and dying to type.


...but I guess, sometimes, it's actually a plus to not have a life.


Still...


I HAVE A LIFE!

Fuck You and Your Pride

I suggest you read these three posts first before proceeding to read THIS: click here, here and here.

All three of 'em are directed to someone I called: "Miss Emo". And I bet 90% of my readers out there know who she is if I would say her name here out loud - she's a Shekian.

The three posts were written in (obvious) anger months and months and months ago (seems like years to me, actually) but things haven't changed. It's not that I don't do a single kilogram of effort ever, it's just that Miss Emo and I just don't "click".

So now, we're in an impasse.

In the meantime, Miss Emo the 2nd is sprouting. And I won't call her "Miss Emo". She's a lot older, kasi eh. I dub "Miss Emo the 2nd" to be: "Queen of All Emos". Iyan. She deserves it.

What she doesn't deserve at all is what she has right now: credit, "honor", "nobility".

Why doesn't she deserve that?

She's a fucking hater.

Ode to the Queen:

Is that what people call "responsibility" nowadays? Presiding by means of power and executing the tyranny of false virtues? Responsible na ba ngayon ang pag-iiwan ng tasks and duty lying on the fucking floor, waiting for the dustbunnies to fucking eat 'em to death?

"Thoughtful" na ba ang paggawa ng isang bagay na MUKHANG bukal sa puso...but deep inside kumukulo ang dugo mo sa paggawa non?

Is doing THAT to your grandmother "respect"? You told me once that you had a menacingly strong aversion towards your grandmother. You told me once that this grandmother did wrong things. You told me once that this grandmother has made a lot of mistakes. Ask yourself this before I put your brain into the oven: To whom did she do the wrong things to? To whom were the mistakes attributed to? Sa iyo ba? Ganyan na ba ang respect ngayon? Binabastos mo siya eh. Sure, she has made a lot of mistakes. Sure, she's done a lot of wrong things. But she did those "things" as a PERSON not as a GRANDMOTHER. Right now, you're treating her as a PERSON, not as YOUR GRANDMOTHER. Your grandmother needs to be respected - like it or not.

People make mistakes. And just because those mistakes don't make the path to YOUR journey CLEARER doesn't mean you should curse them to hell.

I see you're jealous of me. Lantad na. Hindi na kailangang itago. It's forever etched in my memory - but that doesn't mean I won't forgive you. Even though I saw the intense emotions you channeled that day - the day when material possessions grabbed a GOOD hold of you. Sabi mo pa nga (this I will never forget): "IKAW! HA! Kahit nagrerebelde ka nakukuha mo lahat ng gusto mo!"

That was so random. That was so sudden. Hindi mo machachannel ang isang bagay na ganoon ka-intense kung wala kang pinagkuhanan niyan. Hindi ka makagagawa ng intense emotion like that within just a blink of your fugly eyes. Kaya. You know what that means? That means despite ALL the trust I'd given you, you'd been boiling wrath, irate bubbles inside your arterial chambers.

Ang trust kapag nawala, mahirap nang ibalik.

Bakit ayaw mo akong pabayaan? Bakit laging pinakekelaman mo yaong downfall ko? You're like one of those media-mongers. Like a paparazzo. Waiting for people to fall flat on their faces to get a good snapshot which in turn will wind up all around the globe. But no, yours isn't the globe. Yours is your heart. In short, bawat pagkakamali ng tao, sinu-scrutinize mo sa puso mo. Masama yan. Hindi yan healthy. Sino ka? Si Poodle? Papatayin ka ng insecurities mo sooner or later.

You can't find well-being from a person's mistakes. That, my friends, is why the world is at par with hell.

Nahulog mo gamit ko. I said: "FUCK!" Obvious namang pinaghirapan ko yung ginagawa kong cut-outs di ba?

Wala ka man lang sorry?

Ah, "sorry". I remember, you've never said a sincere "sorry" to anyone else in this universe.

Remember your best friend? Didn't he say sorry? What did you say in return?

Wala.

Pride.

Pride mo.

Fuck you and your pride.

Why are you so fucking mad at the world anyway? You're JUST like Miss Emo but on a slighlty different angle. When I told you about Miss Emo, you were all: "Ang irrational nya." So are you.

When your mom said (in a reprimanding, serious, mad voice): "May topak ka ata ah!"

Queen: "May topak talaga ako!"

So why aren't you changing it?

You see your fault right THERE. Do you change it? No. You sit on your arse and wait for the world to turn its axis. You're hoping... for the world to COVER and BURY your mistakes, flaws and faults.

That's not gonna happen. Never. Ever.

You are the most irrational person I've ever met. You think you're otherwise. You think you're perfect.


Masyadong mataas yang pride mo. Hindi ko ma-reach.

Why do you hate the world so much? If you give me a GREAT answer to that, I will never bug you again.

Definitely, it's not because you grew up in a dysfunctional family. I grew up in a dysfunctional family my own but I don't hate the world.

Hindi rin ako KJ.

Hindi ko rin binabastos ang sister ko. I don't treat her like shit the way you do.

I never talk crap about her behind my back. I'm no nark. But you?

Puro na lang side comments!

Is that the rational way to behave?

I hate the ones like you. Yaong mga pakealamera. Before you go bitching on someone else's life, world, physical looks, intellectual capactiy, emotional status, soul, spirit, personality, attitude,characteristics and VALUES, look at yourself in the mirror.

You might even see a reflection that isn't as wretched as the Devil's face... You might see something a tad bit more revolting. Your pride.

Why I'm Busier than Half of the World (A Quasi-Irrational List)

I dedicate this to Fleur, although I don't know why.

1. Because I only get at most 4 hours of sleep at night.
2. Because while the world sleeps/plays/rests, I toil.
3. Because I am a neurotic, overachieving perfectionist.
4. Because I bitch a lot.
5. Because I nourish my social life on a regular basis.
6. Because for the past 6 months, I've developed an obsession with fashion (Sunday is the sanctified Mall Day - spent nearly P10,000 on coats, hats, tops and pants - yep, we're getting ready for Winter Korea - believe it or not, shopping is tiring)
7. Because I love my job as the editor-in-chief of a nonprofit magazine.
8. Because I love myself as an overachiever (see num 3)
9. Because I can't balance love life, social life, academic life, personal life and career life VERY WELL. In the end, all that I sacrifice is my sleep.
10. Because, accdg to Fleur, I'm a Class A woman, strong and outspoken (and I love her for this)
11. Because I stress too much on worthless stuff.
12. Because I obsess too much on worthless stuff (last week's obsession was ballpoint pens, this week's obsession is multi-colored typewriting paper rims)
13. Because I am blessed with competitions (which makes me very happy to the point of ... ecstasy)
14. Because I spend too much time with my (not short, not fat) iPod Nano (Baby, I love you!)
15. Because I organize too much activities in school.
16. Because I am too preoccupied thinking about boys.
17. Because I hate Twilight.
18. Because I care for my dogs
19. Because I love food a lot
20. Because I buy a lot of gummy stuff (Favorite? Trolli Lips and Teeth)

-end of list-

Screw the World

Sudden fit of rage.

Why do people automatically "recognize ""Math and Science Geniuses"?

No, no. Don't answer that. That's a rhetorical question, stupid. Sheesh. Does the world not know how to differentiate rhetoric from non-rhetoric?

Why is it that when you're a math and science person, you get to be automatically deemed as "smart", good in analyzing, logic and critical thinking? Is the world's current basis for "intellect" NUMBERS? STATISTICS? DATA?

No. No. No. A BIG FAT NO.

People don't recognize those that excel in the field of English and Filipino. You see, even when there are awarding ceremonies, people award those that win in Math competitions. Science competitions. Math. Science. Math. What about ... us? The writers? The speakers? The English erudites? The lit lovers? The linguistic quiz bee champions?

See there's this BIG FAT discrimination here in Chiang Kai Shek. Not just CKSC. Even the world. I have proof for this but I'm too enraged to actually type DATA right now. Sure, you need DATA to prove things. But are mathematical and scientific data the only KINDS o' proofs you can garner?

Don't people get it?

When we the linguistic people write our essays, we THINK. We DON'T just put our opinions down. (Well, opinions do root from a brain, you know.) We extract "facts". We digest "facts". We analyze "facts". We avoid logical fallacies that can be extracted from "facts". We apply these "facts". We use our style to encompass these "facts".

So yes. We think critically, logically and analytically.

The moment those Math and Science people write a Pulitzer prize-winning editorial, and get up the stage to speak an award-winning speech, will be the only time that I could consider them "geniuses."

Slowly, Gently...

...it's killing me softly.


Four things, my friends, four things. (this doesn't even include schoolwork and all those nasty tests)


1. Oratorical Piece


So I finished it last night.

It sucked, obviously. You can't conjure up a mastermind piece in just one sitting. So I submitted it, it really did suck. Now, I'mma revise it. The problem is, when I try to lift my hand to type up its file name "Mabuhay Ka, Pusong Pinoy", my hands fail me. It's those bodily functions again!

Writers' Block.

Writers' Block.

One word: Heart.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WRITE A FREAKING ORATORICAL PIECE ABOUT A BIOLOGICAL ANATOMY? Can't they just ask me to write anything about.. I don't know,.. corruption? The bull market? The flea market? Euthanasia? Cryptozoology? Psychoanalysis? The Rorscarch Test? ANYTHING BUT BIOLOGICAL, CHEMICAL and... PHYSICAL?

Please! I've been trying to escape the sciences since high school - Biology, Chemistry and soon, Physics. So why do those things keep chasing me even when I'm at cloud nine?

It's 10 PM and the fact that my piece ain't ready yet scares me to death.

This piece needs to be as great as my Infantado piece (or else I'll label my own self a one-hit wonder).

*pwned*

The remaining three will be discussed while I'm stressing about 'em.

Guess Who's Problematic

It is now an official fact that Drama is too in love with me. The feeling, though, is NOT mutual.

Unrequited love, my friends, is what causes Drama to take revenge on me, thus, bringing MORE Drama to aid in Catherine-oppression.

So now, I dedicate this post to Drama.

A Percentage Analysis of This Certain Thing Called Catherine's Personal Life

1. Grades/Academic Life - 50%

My grades are spiraling downwards. If you think I'm exaggerating... If you think "oh, come on, you're Catherine Tan, you'll see high grades on your report card. You're just a worrywart.." Well, I wish you're right, but you are WRONG. Eeeps. I don't know how to defend my answer. It's true, I may be "smart" or "intellectual" but I'm also "uber lazy" AND "uber paranoid". What else? I set really high standards. I'm a PERFECTIONIST. No, I'm not calling myself perfect. I'm calling myself a perfectionist! And you should know that perfectionists pay attention to every single detail. Yes, yes, yes! If something goes wrong, well, I go at wits end. Not only that, I also kill myself thinking too much.

GAAAAH. My Accounting grade isobviously down (since, Kevs, Fleur, you guys know the answer right? The whole Mam Almazan class record thing? Rememba?).

My Social Studies grade - I might maintain my old grade but it's also highly unlikely since I don't even know what my Long Test score was! (Actually, I don't know it ON PURPOSE. The testpapers-giving day took place during my competition day...so... wasn't able to see it. Someone, though, took note of the scores but I told him not to tell me).

My Math grade - I got an 89 last quarter (which is pretty high for a Math Class person) and I was really, really satisfied. I only got an 83 last year. BUT NOW? This quarter? Flunked tests and seatworks! DAMMIT. I have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT MY MATH GRADE WILL BE NOW.

My Chem grade - 85, y'all. 85!!! That's too low. TOO LOW.

My Filipino grade - from 90 to ...what? Perhaps, an 88? CRAP. DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?

From 3rd Honor Rank 7, I will probably slip to Rank ..... 12! DAMMIT. DAMMIT. DAMMIT.

I'm supposed to get at least to the 2nd Honors. WHY? Because there's a prize. There's also a series of consequences if I don't get this prize. And it's not a tangible thing, my love.

See, I'm studying hard for a certain person. The details, I'm not supposed to tell you. But I'm doing this not just for myself, but for this PERSON who means so much to me... No, this person ain't part of my biological family. This person also ain't my crush. This person is....

Well, I just need to skyrocket my grades up this quarter. I really need to. I DO NOT want to devolve.

ONE MORE THING, COLLEGE. But we should talk about it during the "semestral break."

2. Physical Insecurities - 25%

My height is killing me. I'm so short I need to wear 3-inch heels to LOOK TALL. Uhh, other physical insecurities include...uhhh...I dunno. HEIGHT. HEIGHT. HEIGHT!


3. Family Drama - 10%

I've written posts about my clan, right?

4. Health - 10%

EARS

5. Sleep-deprivation - 1%

Number 1, number 2, number 3 and number 4 combined KILL ME.

Crabsticks

It's 12:10 AM and my anxiety, as usual, is killing me.

Shittiness.


Of course, to suppress this anxiety thingy, I decided to lull myself to wikipedia. In doing so, I've come to terms with these three fat things:

1. neurosis
2. neurotic
3. neuroticism


I only read the first one because laziness loves me so much. The last two, however, made me not care about whatever the hell Wikipedia says. I am my own free encyclopedia!

Whatever, Wikipedia.

(LOL. Hey, I'm kidding here.)

1. neurosis - this is actually the opposite of psychosis. This is a PSYCHOLOGICAL DIRE PROBLEM okay? It's a personality disorder thingy.


2. neurotic - easy one. This defines me.


3. neuroticism - this is the noun form of what defines me. In short, it's not really a REAL psychological thingy like number 1, it is, however, what I consider to be a "STATE". This "STATE" is my STATE every single day so I don't know if you can still call it a state or a "LIFE".


See, this is how screwed I get. I used the word "thingy" more than two times (cue Fleur).

-terminated-

2 years from now, we'd be trudging the hallways of college. I'm not ready for that. I don't WANT that, dammit. I don't even know what course I should take. My heart beats social arts - liberal arts. Writing, philosophy, psychology, social studies. Those kinds of stuff. Those stuff allow me to think, allow me to imagine and therefore allow me to write. The only thing I wanna do in life: imagine, think, write. Not necessarily in that particular order.

I wanna write forever. Thanks to tonight and yesternight, I have realized that. Last night, I was working. Writing. For the guild. And even for this blog. You have absolutely no idea how much it makes me feel good. I just want to write forever!

But what money would it give me? Nil. It's not that I think of it. It's just that I'm warned about it. And living life without this computer to type on, this iPod to listen to and this book to read is as crucial as not being able to live a life without writing. I don't know what course to take. Don't even bother asking me.

These are the days when world peace is uber handy.

OMG The Person's a Total Genius!

Shocking. I just took a Brain Test in Tickle (they've renovated) and the result is:

Right-brained

Most right-brained people like you are flexible in many realms of their lives. Whether picking up on the nuances of musical concerto, appreciating the subtle details in a work of art, or seeing the world from a different perspective, right-brained people are creative, imaginative, and attuned to their surroundings.

People probably see your thinking process as boundless, and that might translate to your physical surroundings as well. Some people think of you as messier than others. It's not that you're disorganized, it's just that you might use different systems to organize (by theme, by subject, by color). Straight alphabetization and rigidly ordered folders are not typical of right-brained behavior.

You are also more intuitive than many. When it comes to reading literature, you probably prefer creative writing or fiction over nonfiction. And when it comes to doing math, you might find you enjoy geometry more than other forms like algebra.

Every bit of word in that psychoanalysis is every bit of the truth!
What shocks me is the mighty power of psychology. See? The course I deem to take is a genius.

Noise Pollution! Hail to the D-E-A-F

I believe that I wrote a post somewhere in my blogosphere history that discussed the conflicts and the antics of a much neglected societal problem. That is, Noise Pollution. Caps on the initials, my friends.

Caps on the initials, I reiterate.

For one, I have an ear problem. An ear problem or two. Or three. You get the point, I mean, if you know my "sickness" whatsoever. Let's make it plural, more elaborate. My SICKNESSES. They ALL involve the ear. I'm not blaming my sacred iPod nor am I blaming my overflowing iTunes library. I blame the bedmaned noise itself - the ugly, fugly noise. I don't wanna be misleading, but lemme tell ya this: sometimes the noise-maker is the NOISE itself and vice versa. So, if you're a noise-maker, go fug and donate a million bucks to charity for the deaf. Or for people like me.

Currently, though, my ear begins to feel its "sickness". Because of the noise.

I can't stand it.

I can't face it.

I can't dare listen to it.

I can't live with it.

I can't die with it.

I can't do anything with it.

I can't do anything FOR it.

I can't think clearly with it.

I can't fix my loose holes with it.

I can't friggin' deal with it.

I can't .... TYPE with it screamin' in the background.

Oh, the noise.

I can't HEAR MYSELF THINK when I'm WITH it.

It's not even MUSIC! It's a SAVAGE BEAST THAT GNAWS THROUGH YOUR AUDITORY CANAL AND MAKES YOUR BRAIN CELLS MURDER YOUR OWN BRAIN.

Eventually, when your brain is dead, you won't be able to listen to your sweet, dear, beloved, decadent, heavenly iPod.

And then you die a tragic death.

Noise.

Hummmph. Freaking crappiness, I cannot stand it.

I'm too useful to die a noise death.

Now That Mom's Gonna Buy Me Another iPod ...

And since the game that Kevin and Fleur played made me laugh out loud...

And since I'm done watching the whole first season of Gossip Girl....

I wanna play that game! (How could that game be so addicting?)


1. THING I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS SCHOOL YEAR
>> I Hate Myself For Losing You - Kelly Clarkson (whoa-no. another drama year?)

2. FAVORITE MAXIM
>> Mercy On Me - Christina Aguilera (Think Again! This is true)

3. SUMMER is...
>> PS I'm Still Not Over You - Rihanna (sheez... it's kinda true)

4. ROMANCE is...
>> Magnet - Lindsay Lohan (well, yeah, romance novels - chick-lit ones - have been magnetic lately)

5. I AM
>> Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year - Fall Out Boy (COMEBACK OF THE YEAR - ME!!!)

6. I WANNA BE..
>> Greatest Story Ever Told - Oliver James (It's official, my iPod loves me!)

7. YOU THINK I AM...
>> Just the Girl - Click Five (My iPod is obsessed with me)

8. MY BLOG READERS ARE...
>> Say - Ryan Cabrera (no comment)

9. WHAT MY SUBCONSCIOUS SELF WANTS ME TO DO NOW...
>> Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall (the only thing I need to see is the latest Iron Man movie, dammit)

10. WHAT FRIENDS WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT ME...
>> Afterlife - Avenged Sevenfold (WOOHOO!)

11. WHAT I WANT FROM MY FRIENDS
>> Why Don't You and I - Santana ft. Alex Band (Why don't you and I...)

12. WHAT I'M EXPECTING...
>> Te Busque - Nelly Furtado (I knew it...I need to polish my Spanish now!)

13.THIS SONG REFLECTS MY PERSONALITY...
>> Save Room - John Legend (not what I expected)

14. THIS SONG IS MY LOVE SONG...
>> Wait For You - Elliot Yamin (oh, tragedy)

15. PLAY THIS SONG IF YOU WANNA MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF MY LIFE...
>> Smooth - Rob Thomas and Santana (oh, am I?)

16. THE ONE THING I CAN'T LET GO
>> De Que Sirve - Reik (another Spanish song! I need to study my Spanish NOW)

17. WEDDING SONG...
>> Holiday - Green Day (I rock.)

18. MY WOULD-BE FAVE SUBJECT THIS YEAR
>> Long Time Coming - Oliver James

19. SONG THAT SHOULD BE PLAYED DURING GOSSIP GIRL'S SEASON ENDER...
>> Little of Your Time - Maroon 5 (Serena could get a little of Dan's time. HATE VANESSA FOREVER!)

20. WHAT I WILL BE IN THE NEXT 5 YEARS
>> A Lettle Less 16 Candles - Fall Out Boy (Actually, it SHOULD BE 20)

21. WHAT I'D WANT MOST WHEN I TURN 21
>> With You Gone - Ryan Cabrera (So depressing.)

LL

Sometimes, things like love and loyalty and all things beginning with the letter L don't last long. They evolve. Or is change a better term?

Love becomes passion. Loyalty becomes love. Lust becomes, eventually, addiction.

Sometimes, though, they evolve for the worse. In short, they devolve. Love becomes longing (to escape). Loyalty becomes rust. Lust becomes a deviation from variety.

That's the theme of the day. Things that worsen. Things that fall apart. Things that break down from utter perfection. Who controls these things? Easy one. Destiny, time, and most of all: you. Yourself. And the person who relates in terms of you.

It's either you make good or make bad.

In my case, stupidity isn't in my resume.

In our case, don't try to fool me with your words. Or manipulative schemes.

I'm not stupid. Whoever you are.

No Name Face

It's simple, plain and a piece of cake.

Even though I have turned into a different color this summer, even though I still spend time with my closest friends and have fun with them in that pursuit, even though I have gained nice, new summer friends, even though I'm a mathematical genius once again since my brain wanted it back, even though I try my best to get an A+ on this subject called "being human", even though I feel fulfilled now, something just goes wrong.

S0mething is going wrong currently in my system.

This something is something I haven't felt for the past year.

This something is a little bit on the verge of scarring my mind.

This something is pulling too much pranks and mind games on my day-to-day life. And I am a hundred percent sure that it would seep through the school year - which, if you ask me, is a bad thing.

This something is a little thing called jealousy.

I have the power to be jealous, and I am in the right vantage point to get jealous.

It's not even envy. It's just jealousy.

What am I supposed to do? JEALOUSY is something you cannot let your soul control, it's like a reflex. And how do you douse reflexes, huh? By throwing reflexes back? To make this person jealous? This person doesn't even know how to get jealous, dammit! Is he/she/it doing it on purpose? Seriously?

There has to be some way! I mean I'm at wits end here, sitting here, typing this damned message when I KNOW for a fact that while everything here is killing me, everything that's killing me is making him/her/it alive. WHY?

Why does this kind of thing happen to me?

Am I supposed to just sit here and watch ANTM to make all the jealousy go away?

Am I supposed to ignore this kind of thing and start memorizing the value of Pi? Am I supposed to turn my head and start going to the gym to neutralize this kind of feeling?Am I supposed to pull a Lindsay Lohan and start focusing on my "career" instead of my party life - or whatever "life" this person is in? Am I supposed to ignore it? I know for a fact that ignoring an emotion, a feeling, a thought is like provoking it. Down with the torpedoes, full speed ahead. And that's where this feeling is going - full spead ahead.

To hell with this emotion. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Dammit.

Can I just refuse to acknowledge this feeling? It's a Monday, after all. A Monday that isn't even rainy enough to shatter my shield. My invisible shield. Whatever that may be.

Am I supposed to sit here, just like that? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THIS? I'm not even insecure anymore! Just jealous. Really. Just, just jealous...that destiny didn't provide me the right place, right time, right feeling that is meant to be pursued.

Now I'm stuck here listening to something called "Broken" by Lifehouse.

MISS-ery 2

As I said, there's gonna be more to come...more "i-miss-you's" and "i-miss-that-and-this's". They're all gonna come hitting soon. And my life is gonna be filled with emo and drama. Guess that's something you can't take away from girls like me.

Miss-List 2:

This is dedicated to my loyal guy friends who have been there more than my girl buddies have been (with the exception of a few like Arianne, Camille - my current BFF and one that I would VOW never to lose, Cha - another BFF, Bea, Steph "Sexy" and the others). They were there when I was sick - they even dropped by home twice just to see how I was doing and I am forever, eternally even, grateful for that very sweet gesture.

For that, I dedicate a whole post to them.

I'm gonna miss Kenny's DARK pessimistic days.

I'm gonna miss Aldric's crankiness.

I'm gonna miss Jake's ridiculous stories especially during AP when Ma'am Ileto discusses (ha!).

I'm gonna miss Paul's cheerfulness.

I'm gonna miss Mollie's "BFF-ness". I have no idea how to describe this, I don't even know if I should include him here 'cause he's THE BEST FRIEND. I think it has to be separated.

I'm gonna miss Edgardo's lust for knowledge (hahaha LAUGH AT THIS, EGGY!).

I'm gonna miss Jake's stories about Brue (Rach).

I'm gonna miss Kenny's weirdness.

I'm gonna miss turning Aldric optimistic.

I'm gonna miss Mollie for being ALWAYS on my side even when the world crumbled and wiped my wit, money and soul to DUST. That one thing's already ten times the regular.

I'm gonna miss Matthew's "wit" (Remember Friendster? Remember the Biotech seminar? "Pointy Hair!").

I'm gonna miss Jake's LPU-ness and his total admittance of that fact.

I'm gonna miss Kenny's late night YMs.

I'm gonna miss arguing with Paul about the silliest things.

I'm gonna miss telling them all about my ugly, foul day.

I'm gonna miss their making me feel better. ALWAYS. (Never has there been a day without them cheering me up or trying to cheer me up).

I'm gonna miss Aldric's sending me stuff that are way beyond my league (like Paula Abdul's newest song!).

I'm gonna miss laughing with them ALL.

I'm gonna miss making THEM laugh.

I'm gonna miss hating them. Well, because it's natural for girls to hate guys.

I'm gonna miss their constant ANNOYING-ness and plain...(the word to use is WEIRD)...absurdness!

I'm gonna miss hanging out with them.

I'm gonna miss just being with them.

I'm gonna miss their "changing" because of me.

I'm gonna miss their problems.

I'm gonna miss psychoanalyzing their problems.

I'm gonna miss loving them. (DO NOT CRINGE, PLEASE. Girls say this all the time to their FRIENDS).

I'm gonna miss just being ... ALWAYS the only girl in the group.


SPECIAL:

I am so not sure if I should include this above because I really don't consider him a guy friend - WILSON. I'm gonna miss Wilson's massive girly-ness.

I'm gonna miss hearing Wilson call everyone "ate".

I'm gonna miss lending Wilson my always-low-battery dictionary.

SPECIAL SPECIAL:

Mollie - I don't know how to say this, but, best friend is different from best guy friend. There's just a fine line I cannot cross to explain or differentiate it.

I'm gonna miss Mollie as a best friend. And I hope we won't float far away from each other. By distance, he's already far away (when I said distance, I meant he was like 30 meters away from me. LITERALLY!). I don't wanna let distance hinder friendship, or love for that matter.

There's just too much to say that leaves me nothing to come up with.

I'm gonna miss my best friend.

Thirsty But I Can't Drink

For once, I'm keeping my philosophy and my psychoanalysis intact.

Think again!

Indeed, think again. I'm having little synaptic breakdowns again - there's something wrong with my neurons, they just can't seem to think right. I'm lacking the presence of mind again. You know, I just wish my mind would stop wandering away from its home. I'll be sick of that.

Speaking of my brain, there's something IT wants to drink but cannot seem to because of my laziness. It's thirsty with things - not just one, but many. I'm thirsty but I can't seem to grab one tall glass of water. Or better yet, one tall glass of a gallon of water. If that is in any way possible. I'm so sick of my brain. Why can't I control it? Are my neurons dysfunctional in a way that they cannot connect my brain to my errrr thinking AND willpower? Moreover, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Not Furious. Just Curious.

Well, first of all, I don’t understand why I have to sit in front of the computer and expand my futile misery BY thriving on a celebrity’s misfortunes. WHY. DOES. THIS. HAVE. TO. BUG. ME? I don’t know. Can someone SMART enough answer that for me? Because whenever I come up with answers to THAT question, I end up forcing myself to not answer the question at all. So go ahead. Mock me. Mock my misery.

But I need the answer now.

HOW COULD HER LIFE BE ANY OF MY CONCERN? Why should I care about her life? Why should I let my life be ruined by looking at her life? Damn it. And you think I was SMART enough to know not to care.

Just slap me on the head and get this over it. Before I slap her in the head and get THIS over with.

Come on, for God’s sake why do celebrities have to be so addicting?

(P.S. Please do a double take on my title)

Dedicated to My Star-Studded Celebrity

What is it that you have that other people don’t?

What is it that you have that I just continue to have a penchant for?

Is it your intriguing life?

Is it your menacing talent which now seems to fade away with youth?

I don’t know. You still have it even if you’ve changed so much. You have become nasty and trashy and filthy all the way. But why did you ever go away from being clean?

I wish you have never changed. Sure, you learned a bundle of cerebral (and arterial) knowledge that schools can offer – but you learned it the hard way. You gave in to the temptations the world had to offer. Are you still tempted? Because knowing you back then, you were not. In fact, I saw no trace of any paw print of temptation.

Why did you do the crime? Why did you commit the crime of leaving one’s self for the worse?

Change is three things.

First, you change for the better. Second, you change (for the ugly/worst) because society pushes you through. Third, you don’t change – you just take off your mask.

And I don’t know if the mask has been there all along.
Or if the society is too much of a bitch for you to succumb.

I wanna help you. Because it is pathetic. The world is not so cruel if you look and listen. Why don’t you listen to me? Why don’t you look at me?

Don’t be like that. Please don’t.

As I seek to help other people and can’t seem to find ones that don’t work, I realize. The one person I need has been there since I was 8. You.

Don’t change back. Keep changing forward.

Because what’s “forward” is a whole lot better than left and right.

Isn’t it always like that?

Yes, it is.

Don’t forget to look back. And don’t forget to look at what’s hiding in your hindsight – because you will learn from it. And don’t forget, too, to look at what’s beside you. Battle your way out of this mess – dirt is hard to clean when it has stayed there long enough; when you clean it, it will have residues but residues can go away leaving only a trace of memory behind (which is what we really see when we look at cleaned-up-residues). If you don’t clean the residues, then there’s no memory left at all. Remember: leave a mark that makes a statement, not otherwise.

Because I will always believe in you – even if that sounds the most unrealistic thing I have ever stated.

Today is your turning point. Jump at it. Like what you said: “Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away”. (That was one thing that marked!).

Most of all, when you go forward, promise not to go away.

I miss you.

Forgetfulness

A biography won’t be complete without the life of the person being written about.

In THIS fictional autobiography, I am the writer and the one being written about.

And here’s an update about my LIFE.

Well, I think I’ve finally done it.

I have reached my current potential. And I’m loving it.

It’s like I forgot how to be mad, sad, angry, irritated, on the verge of suicide.

It’s like my memory ran away from my heart and brain. Because, I really did forget how o be all those.
I EMBRACE MY WHIMSICALITY!

Thank this year for making me stronger!

It’s life in a new light.

And the light is not one pint of a burden.

I love it.

I’m finally living it.

And I’m never gonna leave.

I love life.

Live. Love. Let Go.

Amazing.

Confessions of a Teenage B*****

Note: Do not read this post if you have a rather faint, non-profane heart. Or ear. OR eyes. I warn you.

I promise to mention the word at most 5 times. If you wanna know what the hullabaloo (CRAP. DID I JUST TYPE THE WORD?) is all about, just listen. I mean, read.

Recently, I discovered a strong fetish, love, like, (passion?) with the word BITCH. I don’t know. It’s really weird because back then (a year ago, perhaps?) I was amazingly obsessed with the word SLUT. Later (perhaps, a few months ago?), I rekindled my romance with like words. I became obsessed with DAMN.

Now, few months later, I find myself OBSESSED with the word BITCH. AMAZING.

Is it because I myself am a bitch?

Is it because it’s female dog?

Is it because when you utter it, it gives you a funny feeling?

Is it because Lindsay Lohan is a bitch (not a SLUT, y’all!)

Oops. I think I mentioned the word four times now.

Anyway, what is a bee?

(Bee is a rather euphemistic version of the B* word). The perfect definition of a bee is someone perhaps who talks in an ear-splitting way, bossy (like for real), uhhmm what else? Kinda like me. But I am not that kind of BEE you know. You know, the one you’re thinking about.

What is NOT a bee?

Bees are no sluts.

Bees are not dirty.

Bees are not backstabbing bees.

What is basically a bee?

It lies perfectly well in the PERSONALITY. NOT the trait.

That personality is, just as I mentioned, ear-splitting, bossy, irritating (at times but not ALWAYS!).. but in nature LIKEABLE especially when you get to know her. (Yes, I used ‘her’). And besides, you’ll learn a lot from her. Just like her friends say say. Bees teach you know!

I guess I’m still obsessed. I hope this lasts much longer. It’s so relaxing, saying the word.

‘Sides, you’ll probably hear me saying/screaming/yelling it out loud anyway.

BITCH!!!!