Lies, Lies, Lies... and the Virtue of Silence

Out of all my childhood drama (of broken families and broken selves), I gain one virtue that I can boast forever: the virtue of being headstrong.

However, there comes a disadvantage out of that positive characteristic. That is, when I am convinced (convinced meaning I have empirical, logical and rational proof), you can never undo the deed - you can never un-convince me.

Going back to the topic of family. I grew up with lies. I don't know how to explain it here directly but yes, they were lies. I grew up with lies. I'm not going through sappy drama again (like what I did in the previous posts) because that will only cause me to be angry and hateful. "Angry" and "hateful" are two things I don't want attached to me (because it's Exam Week o_O). I had empirical, logical and rational proof that my family was a lie therefore, I was convinced. Yes, "had" and "was". That means I'm not so sure now. I'm not so sure if I should start believing what they say. At the same time, I'm still 100% convinced. It's like I'm groping for something, can't find it, then I grope for it again. In the end, the outcome's the same: I was/am(?) convinced.

See how confusing it is to live my life, think my thoughts and write my feelings?

It makes it all the more confusing when you have a mother who bickers, manipulates and brags about everything she owns.

My life is nothing but normal. But heck, I'm not complaining about its abnormalities. I'm complaining about its constituents.


Gawd.


But it's kind of sickening when I hear myself say it: I grew up with lies.

Lies lies lies lies lies....

I don't know what to believe in this family anymore!

So this is what pushes me to badly want frankness, honesty, sincerity and straightforwardness. This is it. Because I hate lies. Lies are the most destructive things in life. Damn lies.


It's better to keep silent... than lie.

.... D'OH

I'm supposed to be doin' something else right now - I rarely lose stuff to do, basically...but the clicking of the keys here on my keyboard is actually music to my ears. It makes me feel like I'm the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, a la Atoosa Rubenstein. It makes me wonder about my future. Obviously, fantasy beats reality anytime. How I wish I could live THAT life. The Atoosa life. The Hollywood life.

Sadly, I don't EVEN live in a super-well-industrialized country. I mean, I love the Philippines, for real. But I just wish it had more spice and mystery like the US (even though I hate to admit this), ITALY, Spain...and France. And Portugal (calling all Christiano Ronaldo fanatics!). Even if I get into a Philippine mag, I'm not gonna be dealing with the Lindsay Lohans, the David Beckhams, the Poshes, the Maroon 5s and the Rihannas. I'm gonna be dealing with the celebrities that I don't like. Heck, I can't even name a super famous contemporary Filipino artist.

This post suddenly reminds me of my diary. This is how things are in my diary, actually. I'd better call it a journal. Diary sounds too childish.

I did this out of boredom.


LOVE,

Me

Forgetfulness

A biography won’t be complete without the life of the person being written about.

In THIS fictional autobiography, I am the writer and the one being written about.

And here’s an update about my LIFE.

Well, I think I’ve finally done it.

I have reached my current potential. And I’m loving it.

It’s like I forgot how to be mad, sad, angry, irritated, on the verge of suicide.

It’s like my memory ran away from my heart and brain. Because, I really did forget how o be all those.
I EMBRACE MY WHIMSICALITY!

Thank this year for making me stronger!

It’s life in a new light.

And the light is not one pint of a burden.

I love it.

I’m finally living it.

And I’m never gonna leave.

I love life.

Live. Love. Let Go.

Amazing.

Welcome to My Life!

“Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don’t belong and no one understands you.

No you don’t know what it’s like, when nothing feels alright. You don’t know what it’s like to be like me!

Welcome to my life”
- Welcome to My Life, a song by Simple Plan

I won’t grant you loneliness because I know how it feels like to be lonely. I won’t grant you pain because I have been pained before. I won’t grant you confusion because my mind had run heels over head once in my history. I won’t grant you too much love because too much of everything is bad – and I have crossed that path before. I won’t grant you discreet hate because I have been hated silently before and it’s a sin. I may not grant you ANYTHING at all but my humble blog posts and some bits and pieces of my life – CHANGE. That’s to play safe – because I was dangerous before.

But do not worry, maybe this post is fiction.

Or maybe it is fact.

I’m kidding, it’s non-fiction.

Don’t get confused!