Reclusion, Thy Name is I

I feel like one of those old, sick, dying book characters tormented writers write about.

I got the old feel in the pockets. My environment, it seems to me, is antique. Some of my "friends" have faded into the background of an old 50's movie that will presumably be forgettable. My previous "passions" (can't believe I just used the word in plural form) have dissolved into a new (old, actually) kind of impasse...one that I can't explain thoroughly because I don't understand much either. I feel like I just lived and excruciatingly survived 9 lifetimes.

And my birthday is fast-approaching.


So yeah, I feel old.



I am a human disease stick. My life energy is currently getting sucked up by random whirlpools that come in the forms of "friends", enemies and ... internal factors (like too much anxiety, paranoia and hypochondria). Literally, I AM a human disease stick. Today's just 4 days since my high fever bid adieu to my body...and I've already relapsed. Right now, I'm coughing. My throat feels as if a meter stick of a rose with bloody thorns had stuck to it. And there's an overall feeling of dizziness. Alas, my vertigo attacks!

And I feel like...puking which is as rare as Mowgli's syndrome. (Mowgli's syndrome is rare, right?)


So yeah, I feel sick.



I define life as an equilibrium of...things. Now that my social life has gone off the hook, I'm dead. Or at least, part of me is dead. Or maybe dying. Truth is, I don't really know. I've got heaps of problems again. I vow to anticipate the first few weeks of January from now on. Something tragic always happens weeks before my birthday. The weighing scales of my life have either burst because of obesity or anorexia. I know, I know. I could get sued for my choice of words. But getting sued is actually better than facing drama that my "friends" have bequeathed me (let's just substitute the word "bequeathed" with the word "BETRAYED" - all caps) with. How big of a fool am I, anyway? I've had let these "friends" betray me before and I've done so AGAIN. I should be awarded for this!

And this is the part where I hate them all for being so defensive for something wrong they did. They should be condemned for doing this to me. I should be hanged for being the most used person in the planet.


So yeah, I feel like I'm dying.



I always tell people: "I have a life!" ...which translates to: My life is near bliss because it's packed with a social life, a family life, a spiritual life, a career (life), a whatever life... you name it, I'm too old, sick, and dying to type.


...but I guess, sometimes, it's actually a plus to not have a life.


Still...


I HAVE A LIFE!

Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)

Mark their words: Nemo me impune lacessit "No one harms me with impunity." Yes, that's The Cask of Amontillado to you.

Never have I ever found myself thinking about vengeance...vendetta... revenge...I'd always thought that anyone's (given that he did wrong) conscience would avenge the victim.

But sometimes, revenge gets to you in the weirdest way possible.

Are there two kinds of revenge: good and bad revenge?

Is doing the right thing revenge?

Is it revenge when it's justifiable (logically and rationally speaking)?

Is it still revenge when you're doing "it" to protect someone, say, future successors?

I don't know.

But, seriously, who knows?

These things are beyond dictionary's definition. Moreover, these things are beyond juvenile experiences.

But, readers, if you hear something in the near future that relates to ME, the thought of revenge, the thought of righteousness and morality (like a scandal), refer back to this little post.

The scandal's gonna explode like a tiny bomb. Let's just wait and see.






Only time will tell.

Fuck You and Your Pride

I suggest you read these three posts first before proceeding to read THIS: click here, here and here.

All three of 'em are directed to someone I called: "Miss Emo". And I bet 90% of my readers out there know who she is if I would say her name here out loud - she's a Shekian.

The three posts were written in (obvious) anger months and months and months ago (seems like years to me, actually) but things haven't changed. It's not that I don't do a single kilogram of effort ever, it's just that Miss Emo and I just don't "click".

So now, we're in an impasse.

In the meantime, Miss Emo the 2nd is sprouting. And I won't call her "Miss Emo". She's a lot older, kasi eh. I dub "Miss Emo the 2nd" to be: "Queen of All Emos". Iyan. She deserves it.

What she doesn't deserve at all is what she has right now: credit, "honor", "nobility".

Why doesn't she deserve that?

She's a fucking hater.

Ode to the Queen:

Is that what people call "responsibility" nowadays? Presiding by means of power and executing the tyranny of false virtues? Responsible na ba ngayon ang pag-iiwan ng tasks and duty lying on the fucking floor, waiting for the dustbunnies to fucking eat 'em to death?

"Thoughtful" na ba ang paggawa ng isang bagay na MUKHANG bukal sa puso...but deep inside kumukulo ang dugo mo sa paggawa non?

Is doing THAT to your grandmother "respect"? You told me once that you had a menacingly strong aversion towards your grandmother. You told me once that this grandmother did wrong things. You told me once that this grandmother has made a lot of mistakes. Ask yourself this before I put your brain into the oven: To whom did she do the wrong things to? To whom were the mistakes attributed to? Sa iyo ba? Ganyan na ba ang respect ngayon? Binabastos mo siya eh. Sure, she has made a lot of mistakes. Sure, she's done a lot of wrong things. But she did those "things" as a PERSON not as a GRANDMOTHER. Right now, you're treating her as a PERSON, not as YOUR GRANDMOTHER. Your grandmother needs to be respected - like it or not.

People make mistakes. And just because those mistakes don't make the path to YOUR journey CLEARER doesn't mean you should curse them to hell.

I see you're jealous of me. Lantad na. Hindi na kailangang itago. It's forever etched in my memory - but that doesn't mean I won't forgive you. Even though I saw the intense emotions you channeled that day - the day when material possessions grabbed a GOOD hold of you. Sabi mo pa nga (this I will never forget): "IKAW! HA! Kahit nagrerebelde ka nakukuha mo lahat ng gusto mo!"

That was so random. That was so sudden. Hindi mo machachannel ang isang bagay na ganoon ka-intense kung wala kang pinagkuhanan niyan. Hindi ka makagagawa ng intense emotion like that within just a blink of your fugly eyes. Kaya. You know what that means? That means despite ALL the trust I'd given you, you'd been boiling wrath, irate bubbles inside your arterial chambers.

Ang trust kapag nawala, mahirap nang ibalik.

Bakit ayaw mo akong pabayaan? Bakit laging pinakekelaman mo yaong downfall ko? You're like one of those media-mongers. Like a paparazzo. Waiting for people to fall flat on their faces to get a good snapshot which in turn will wind up all around the globe. But no, yours isn't the globe. Yours is your heart. In short, bawat pagkakamali ng tao, sinu-scrutinize mo sa puso mo. Masama yan. Hindi yan healthy. Sino ka? Si Poodle? Papatayin ka ng insecurities mo sooner or later.

You can't find well-being from a person's mistakes. That, my friends, is why the world is at par with hell.

Nahulog mo gamit ko. I said: "FUCK!" Obvious namang pinaghirapan ko yung ginagawa kong cut-outs di ba?

Wala ka man lang sorry?

Ah, "sorry". I remember, you've never said a sincere "sorry" to anyone else in this universe.

Remember your best friend? Didn't he say sorry? What did you say in return?

Wala.

Pride.

Pride mo.

Fuck you and your pride.

Why are you so fucking mad at the world anyway? You're JUST like Miss Emo but on a slighlty different angle. When I told you about Miss Emo, you were all: "Ang irrational nya." So are you.

When your mom said (in a reprimanding, serious, mad voice): "May topak ka ata ah!"

Queen: "May topak talaga ako!"

So why aren't you changing it?

You see your fault right THERE. Do you change it? No. You sit on your arse and wait for the world to turn its axis. You're hoping... for the world to COVER and BURY your mistakes, flaws and faults.

That's not gonna happen. Never. Ever.

You are the most irrational person I've ever met. You think you're otherwise. You think you're perfect.


Masyadong mataas yang pride mo. Hindi ko ma-reach.

Why do you hate the world so much? If you give me a GREAT answer to that, I will never bug you again.

Definitely, it's not because you grew up in a dysfunctional family. I grew up in a dysfunctional family my own but I don't hate the world.

Hindi rin ako KJ.

Hindi ko rin binabastos ang sister ko. I don't treat her like shit the way you do.

I never talk crap about her behind my back. I'm no nark. But you?

Puro na lang side comments!

Is that the rational way to behave?

I hate the ones like you. Yaong mga pakealamera. Before you go bitching on someone else's life, world, physical looks, intellectual capactiy, emotional status, soul, spirit, personality, attitude,characteristics and VALUES, look at yourself in the mirror.

You might even see a reflection that isn't as wretched as the Devil's face... You might see something a tad bit more revolting. Your pride.

Oh, the Pain!

I'm suffering from a freaking migraine.

It started in Math period. Ma'am Del Valle came in, I had to take a seatwork (special seatwork to make up for my days absent). Sine Law. Ambiguous Case. Piece of cake. Especially now that I'm going good at Math again. Started recalling formulas.

Something punched me in the head (specifically, left temple). After that, started feeling as if someone's drilling my noggins. Finished seatwork. Tech Lab. Practical Test. Finished it last week but Ma'am said it had errors. Rechecked. Four times. Realized my only mistake was this: i wrote "lb3.caption". Freaking typo. Sheeesh. "lbl3.caption" dapat. Crap.

Head pounding pounding pounding pounding

4:05PM - Still had errands to do. Head is exploding.

5:15 PM - Went home. Ate. Head-pounding appeased.

6:00 PM - Watched TV. Turned it off immediately. Freaking head is getting drilled by mini-elves.

7:00 PM - Slept (with iPod on) in hopes of ridding the headache.

8:00 PM- Woke up. Head-pounding stronger than ever.

Now, I'm here. I'm supposed to pull a no-sleeper tonight - to finish things that need to be finished. This is going to result to mental stress so I think I'm going to die tonight. Wish me luck!

I wanna get rid of my head right now.

I mean it.

*BOOM*

Screw the World

Sudden fit of rage.

Why do people automatically "recognize ""Math and Science Geniuses"?

No, no. Don't answer that. That's a rhetorical question, stupid. Sheesh. Does the world not know how to differentiate rhetoric from non-rhetoric?

Why is it that when you're a math and science person, you get to be automatically deemed as "smart", good in analyzing, logic and critical thinking? Is the world's current basis for "intellect" NUMBERS? STATISTICS? DATA?

No. No. No. A BIG FAT NO.

People don't recognize those that excel in the field of English and Filipino. You see, even when there are awarding ceremonies, people award those that win in Math competitions. Science competitions. Math. Science. Math. What about ... us? The writers? The speakers? The English erudites? The lit lovers? The linguistic quiz bee champions?

See there's this BIG FAT discrimination here in Chiang Kai Shek. Not just CKSC. Even the world. I have proof for this but I'm too enraged to actually type DATA right now. Sure, you need DATA to prove things. But are mathematical and scientific data the only KINDS o' proofs you can garner?

Don't people get it?

When we the linguistic people write our essays, we THINK. We DON'T just put our opinions down. (Well, opinions do root from a brain, you know.) We extract "facts". We digest "facts". We analyze "facts". We avoid logical fallacies that can be extracted from "facts". We apply these "facts". We use our style to encompass these "facts".

So yes. We think critically, logically and analytically.

The moment those Math and Science people write a Pulitzer prize-winning editorial, and get up the stage to speak an award-winning speech, will be the only time that I could consider them "geniuses."

I Heart Sarah Palin

I'm not supposed to be doing this - I'm supposed to be studying.. but NO... I just skirmish around Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page (she comments on Sarah Palin)... and then scroll down... and then POOF! I see haters all around bashing her, saying that she has no RIGHT to judge Sarah Palin.

Before I dismantle my inner nuclear bomb, I need to now organize my thoughts.

Well, first off, Sarah Palin is a damn politician. People, in nature, have the RIGHT to comment on their potential-future-leader.

Second, those people who commented on her blog, I know for a fact, DISLIKE Sarah Palin (seriously, who doesn't? LOL I'm kidding!) but bash Lindsay just for the kinks of it.

The worst comment a hater said was that Lindsay was judging Sarah Palin and that Linds MUST grow up now.

Listen, hater: Polish your grammar first before you go on ranting, okay?

Back to that topic. JUDGMENT.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, PEEPS! PEOPLE do not know the fine lines among OPINION, JUDGMENT AND VERBAL ATTACK! I bet these people don't even know that there is such a thing as a "fine line".

These people are the scourges of moral degeneraion.

Moral degeneration, people. Moral degeneration.

It's not that I'm biased because I basically LOVE Lindsay Lohan. I'm being morally intact here. And rational.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Verbal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

This is an example of a verbal attack: They don't teach those things in school, my fair dimwits (*refers to the haters*). They don't teach those in school... is that why you don't know 'em?

(It's a verbal attack since I used the word "dimwit")

Well, damn with the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Vebal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

Do you know how to differentiate them?

Hmpf.

I'll differentiate them for you when I'm not busy building my morals and intellect.

I'll differentiate them and I bet you a million bucks...

So now what.. You're gonna say that I'm judging all of you? Now you're gonna be saying that I'm verbally attacking you?

What close-minded angles!

What One Mouth Sayeth, the Other Sayeth Nay

Maybe I'm depressed? In a no-drama, no-biased way. I don't want to fully acknowledge that notion just yet. That's the last thing I wanna BE these days - depressed. After all, I can't trust my own judgment on this because I'm neurotic therefore I'm hypochondriac (hypochondriac means that I'm paranoid when it comes to sicknesses - but don't worry, it's not a personality disorder).

What made me think of depression? Well, here:

This is an article from a website - WebMD (here's the full link):

You may already know some of the emotional and psychological effects of depression. They include:

• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb. These feelings are with you most of the day, every day.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy. You might no longer bother with hobbies that you used to love. You might not like being around friends. You might lose interest in sex.
• Irritability or anxiety. You might be short-tempered and find it hard to relax.
• Trouble making decisions. Depression can make it hard to think clearly or concentrate. Making a simple choice can seem overwhelming.
• Feeling guilty or worthless. These feelings are often exaggerated or inappropriate to the situation. You might feel guilty for things that aren't your fault or that you have no control over. Or you may feel intense guilt for minor mistakes.
• Thoughts of death and suicide. The types of thoughts vary. Some people wish that they were dead, feeling that the world would be better off without them. Others make very explicit plans to hurt themselves.

Whew.

Let's assess.

1. Feeling sad, empty and hopeless - Check. (No need to expound. The cause of this is obvious: inner self struggles)

2. Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy - Check. One word: Friends. I'm getting so tired of their drama and the cause of their drama. Their drama becomes my drama too because of course, I'm concerned about them. Although I love them, I'm kind of getting tired and weary of them. Makes sense?

3. Irritability or anxiety - Check. Due to a LOT of reasons. See number 1 and number 2.

4. Trouble making decisions - Check. My head isn't clear at all. It's filled with thoughts painstakingly dispersed in my brain.

5. Feeling guilty or worthless - Semi-Check. I don't feel worthless at all. But I do feel guilty because of personal things.

6. Thoughts of death and suicide - Semi-Check. I don't think about suicide, but I think of death. In fact, I'm currently writing a story about death.



So there.

Am I depressed?

Should I be in shame - I'm a psychologist who happens to be DEPRESSED?

Depressed or distressed?

At least I have Phantom Planet!

Crabsticks

It's 12:10 AM and my anxiety, as usual, is killing me.

Shittiness.


Of course, to suppress this anxiety thingy, I decided to lull myself to wikipedia. In doing so, I've come to terms with these three fat things:

1. neurosis
2. neurotic
3. neuroticism


I only read the first one because laziness loves me so much. The last two, however, made me not care about whatever the hell Wikipedia says. I am my own free encyclopedia!

Whatever, Wikipedia.

(LOL. Hey, I'm kidding here.)

1. neurosis - this is actually the opposite of psychosis. This is a PSYCHOLOGICAL DIRE PROBLEM okay? It's a personality disorder thingy.


2. neurotic - easy one. This defines me.


3. neuroticism - this is the noun form of what defines me. In short, it's not really a REAL psychological thingy like number 1, it is, however, what I consider to be a "STATE". This "STATE" is my STATE every single day so I don't know if you can still call it a state or a "LIFE".


See, this is how screwed I get. I used the word "thingy" more than two times (cue Fleur).

YKWYA (You Know Who You Are)

My angst is more intense than the dire problems of the country. This is angst overridden. This is angst exposed - without fins, scales, skins or masks. This is MY angst. And I'll bequeath you with nothing, nothing at all except for this angst!

Did God intend his creations NOT to be made of the finest materials - not of marble, not of bronze, not of gold - BUT of the most rotten foibles? I doubt so for I highly respect God.

Do you intend to expunge superficiality - not propriety? I am questioning your choices. After all, you know what they say - it's your choices that show you who you are, far more than your abilities.

Dearest Friends,

I wanted to tell you a thousand things - a thousand things worth-knowing. Positive ones! Negative ones! But did you deign to listen? No. You said you didn't want to. It implied that you didn't want to get hurt. The problem is, I wasn't even trying to get you hurt in the first place. Even if I did, the positive after-effect would be: your strength not mine.

I've been a friend of yours for a long time now! Listening is the only gift I wanted you to present to me! It was the only gift I wanted - the gift I longed for as a kid, the gift I yearned to unwrap during Christmas or any given Sunday. But it was the one gift that you couldn't give me. I've helped you with a lot of things. I've helped you with your inner psyche. And all I wanted was for you to listen. Just please, please listen. If it wouldn't be too materialistic of me to bask under the light of this non-existent gift... But you didn't give me this gift. Perhaps it was too expensive? Perhaps...?

Our inconsistencies have left a huge gap on my outlook towards you. I don't like you anymore. It may sound like the most hypocritical thing but really - I don't like you anymore. I don't want to be with you. Even if I'd want to be with you, it's because of old times' sake. I don't really need old times' sake with someone who was "not there" since the old times, right?

The worst part is, the opposite just happened. Instead of me hurting you, you hurt me. Now I'm trying to drown any forms of life with my music.

When you come back, oh, I don't know. Will I be gone? Will I partake in this mutilated friendship? Will I sink? What will happen?

Nothing happens unless we talk. Unless you give me that gift.

But right now I don't think I want to take it anymore.

Coeur d'Coeurs (Heart of Hearts)

OMG I'm in love....

Call it puppy love, high school love... I don't care. It's love, nonetheless.

Everytime I think of this geeky (gorgeous) guy (he's a year my senior - someone who belongs to either of the star sections), my day brightens up. You know, I thought the whole "OOh, I saw my crush today, I'm happy!" was immature, stereotypical, cliched and cheesy. But it's actually true. It's like you see the guy you like and then... you just sort of daydream about him. Or admire his feats.

In my case, I adore his physical and mental feats. To be both a geek and a gorgeous guy is something that happens once in a blue moon.

I think I'm in love with him. That's because I rarely think of someone in this kind of intense manner. And knowing myself, well, I really like him.

He's just so perfect.

Now, if only he'd stop liking my big sister...

NITM

It's currently 12 AM or so, I'm not supposed to be doing this - as usual, I'm supposed to be sleeping in my bed. Of course, when you are highly troubled like me - when you do not know how to ignore things - you ignore your sleep. Because basically, your brain doesn't want to rest. It just wants to keep going and going as if there's actually no limitation. Your brain thinks you're too smart.


Whatever the crap it is that I am talking about, can you ignore it?


I can't.


See, I'm talking crap.


I just feel like writing something, that's all. My eyes are drooping, I'm supposed to be in bed, resting my stupid ears.


I just..... I HATE THE MISS EMO. She can't control her emotions!

Can she not find a different outlet? Is she too much of an irrational jester to hide human nature and act as if it does not exist? I hate her. I hate her. I can name a million reasons why. But right now I can only think of one:

I hate her 'cause she hates me back.


NITM.

Epiphany

Now I know. Life is all about waiting. It's all about waiting for this...and that. I've been subconsciously waiting for an epiphany. Something that might signal, I don't know, a beacon of light, I guess. And now I finally have it here with me. Right by my side. And tell you what, after writing this post, I will surrender....to the light. I will step into the light.

This light helped me realize who I truly must trust. Who I truly need to be. WHAT I truly need to be. . . and what I NEED to do. If I could just elaborate here the vivid details... If I could just spill out everything in this blog without hurting a creature. A human being. I'd do it now. If only I had such a low EQ score. But no, I have a high comprehension on social drawbacks and social situations. But if, for once, I could just pour my heart out into something or somewhere without jeopardizing myself and other people.... If, for once, I pretend to be ignorant of peoples' feelings...

I can't do it of course. That's basically what makes me Catherine. Catherine Tan.

Yet, it must be noted here that beneath all this soot, I love myself. I love myself so much. Not like Narcissus. But I love myself enough. Enough to be able to...do this. Whatever this is. (Sheesh, too much ellipsis).

You know what else the light tells me? That I've grown 10 times stronger than my freshman self. Than my old, old self.

Thanks to my friends from my Chinese class and my friends from Writers' Guild. Heck, the whole Guild itself. I owe a life to them. And to YPZhuang, PLYao, EMTan, JMKho from...somewhere out there.

Now, time to step into that light....

I Played Baseball Today

Strike One.

Strike Two.

Strike Three.

YOU'RE OUT!

To be frank and completely honest, with all my heart, soul and paw, there's no such thing as "strike three, you're out" in my summer life JUST YET. But who knows? I'm already halfway there. That's one thing I'm sure of. But one thing I'm not sure of is what the referee is thinking.

True. Like what Lifehouse said (please ignore my constant allusions to Lifehouse, I'm obsessed with Jason Wade): "Silence is golden, but I think it's gonna kill me now."

His silence (or maybe the referee's a "her") is really killing me now.

She's so unreadable. But at the same time maybe I'm just taking the ball with a grain of salt. You wanna know what I think? I think there's been too much salt in my life lately. Apparently, there are only two options: either swallow the salt or throw it away. Barf it away. You can't really do anything halfway, can you? At least, I can't. That wouldn't be Catherine at all, you guys.

Maybe I should just sharpen my senses?

After all, it's just a stupid baseball game.

No Name Face

It's simple, plain and a piece of cake.

Even though I have turned into a different color this summer, even though I still spend time with my closest friends and have fun with them in that pursuit, even though I have gained nice, new summer friends, even though I'm a mathematical genius once again since my brain wanted it back, even though I try my best to get an A+ on this subject called "being human", even though I feel fulfilled now, something just goes wrong.

S0mething is going wrong currently in my system.

This something is something I haven't felt for the past year.

This something is a little bit on the verge of scarring my mind.

This something is pulling too much pranks and mind games on my day-to-day life. And I am a hundred percent sure that it would seep through the school year - which, if you ask me, is a bad thing.

This something is a little thing called jealousy.

I have the power to be jealous, and I am in the right vantage point to get jealous.

It's not even envy. It's just jealousy.

What am I supposed to do? JEALOUSY is something you cannot let your soul control, it's like a reflex. And how do you douse reflexes, huh? By throwing reflexes back? To make this person jealous? This person doesn't even know how to get jealous, dammit! Is he/she/it doing it on purpose? Seriously?

There has to be some way! I mean I'm at wits end here, sitting here, typing this damned message when I KNOW for a fact that while everything here is killing me, everything that's killing me is making him/her/it alive. WHY?

Why does this kind of thing happen to me?

Am I supposed to just sit here and watch ANTM to make all the jealousy go away?

Am I supposed to ignore this kind of thing and start memorizing the value of Pi? Am I supposed to turn my head and start going to the gym to neutralize this kind of feeling?Am I supposed to pull a Lindsay Lohan and start focusing on my "career" instead of my party life - or whatever "life" this person is in? Am I supposed to ignore it? I know for a fact that ignoring an emotion, a feeling, a thought is like provoking it. Down with the torpedoes, full speed ahead. And that's where this feeling is going - full spead ahead.

To hell with this emotion. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Dammit.

Can I just refuse to acknowledge this feeling? It's a Monday, after all. A Monday that isn't even rainy enough to shatter my shield. My invisible shield. Whatever that may be.

Am I supposed to sit here, just like that? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THIS? I'm not even insecure anymore! Just jealous. Really. Just, just jealous...that destiny didn't provide me the right place, right time, right feeling that is meant to be pursued.

Now I'm stuck here listening to something called "Broken" by Lifehouse.

BOOM!

She's coming back again. She's HERE again. She's ruling over me again. She promised me to stay HERE for only ONE night. And I don't think I can handle her.

SHE? HER? I'm guessing you have no clue at all. Well, it has to be LARGE and HUGE because I'm writing like TWO posts for the night. She HAPPENS to be the doppelganger I mentioned in my other blog post "Fictional Autobiography of a Teenage B". And it's not my fault she's back. QUICK! Lemme get this down before she attacks. OH WAIT. She has already possessed me. And whatever you will be reading for the rest of this evening (after this paragraph) is HER writing. HER post. HER wrath.

Enjoy.

I was wrong. Boy I was wrong.

My target way back was easy. She was weak and vulnerable and easy to pulverize with my perfect shiny, metallic angel-spawned, pistol-lookalike crossbow. I aimed it at her. She died.

But not quite...

I won, really. I did. I killed her. But then I didn't know she had a doppelganger too. And her doppelganger was like MY doppelganger. It was bad and it was good. It was in many ways wrong and in many ways right. So I let go of her.

Hell I still ain't gonna care.

My crossbow MUST explode soon for it has reached its caged, bounded limits. It's time to wreak havoc. It's time to cause chaos. It's time to make war.

TO HELL WITH YOU!

And no, I have not found a target. Or let's just say everyone's my target. Shoot me. Before I shoot you first.

Why don't you kill me now? So we both end our misery?

Shut up before I stitch your lips using the nails of a dead man as the needle and the hair of a dead corpse as the fabric. And then stitch it up some more with the eternal flame of life. SHUT UP before I get my crossbow and stick it onto your mouth and morbidly engrave it there forever like a name engraved on a tombstone. Or whatever the heck you call that. I don't care. And you're not supposed to, either. Just shut up. I don't need to hear your words. Matter of fact, I'd be glad - ecstatic even if you ask me to bazooka them back to where they came from: from Hell (remember?). Then I'd stuff you back there to where you belong. Where? Hell.

One day, one day I'll lure you into my traps.


-- END --

Catherine's note: I read this all over again and I realized HOW EVIL my doppelganger was (and is). And shoot, I can't believe she said all those stuff. Catherine "Cath"(I), would never say those stuff. In fact, I'm actually scared for my alter ego. Hope she's not scared for me.

Peace, Love....Contemporary Rock!

Note: This was supposed to be published on Feb. 14, 2007. But I wrote it on Feb. 13, 2007. Well, today is Feb. 15 and I'm sick AGAIN and absent AGAIN. And I'm bored AGAIN (can't do much when you're chronically SICK like me you know)

I'm sick, like right now. It's 11:30 in the morning and I'm out of school. That only means something, I have the time off!! Finally, a break! Finally, I had a good sleep last night! I really don't wanna think of anything else right now except for relaxing. The past few months have been as tense as inferno. And inferno wouldn't be a fair "punishment" because I haven't done anything like MAJOR WRONG. Hey, it's not my fault I'm sleeplessly stressed!

I'd miss FOUR quizzes today. But it doesn't matter to me that much right now...

Anyway, I think I'm sick. Like, I may be spawning a chronic disorder within my dysfunctional veins. You see, a few minutes ago, I was researching about the Ear for Bio and then I saw something I might have. ALL of the symptoms showed me.

I realized something again: I am so paranoid.

Last summer I thought I had cancer, for Pete's sake! LOL! Seriously...

Moving on, right NOW, I think I might have something neurological. Which sucks, if you ask me. Since I already have tinnitus. Both are involving the EAR. Suddenly. I find myself falling for Biology.

In my free time, which is NOW, I take the chance to honor Music - it who soothes the savage beast in me. And this savage headache as well. More importantly, I position the limelight on ROCK. I define "rock" differently, though. It's not high-strung strumming of guitars like metallic rock. In fact, it has taken on a new form. I don't know what that form is, really. I just know one thing, ROCK is the most emotional, most proliferating genre in Music EVER. It just continues growing emotionally. And if you could notice, it's the one genre that expresses much emotion unlike R&B who's just meant to ease... Unlike Pop, which just POPS! Unlike anything else.

Rock is a part of my life now. Having said that, I say it's not just a music genre, but also a WAY OF LIFE.

This is a tribute to all my first-loves in Rock.

1.) OneRepublic

I used to hate 'em. But I guess the more you hate the more you love. That ALWAYS works for me. The more you hate thing? Yeah, it always does.

What I Like About Em: The lead singer Ryan Tedder adds to the ear and eye candy. I mean it, his voice is like so ... emotional and full of potential in every way possible. Their lyrics are not only poetic, they're not "Shakespearean" type too. Mind you, Shakespearean type poetic is getting overrated nowadays. Plus, people who use it, I believe are MERELY putting together words that seem and LOOK deep, but lack profundity.

Writers nowadays tend to find depth in depth. That just doesn't work 'cause it looks like you're just copying others' works. You all know how much I hate copying right? One's style, one's looks, one's opinions? You can't copy those. And I'm glad OneRepublic keeps themselves caged from that lane. Unlike others around here...

Favorite Single: It's so hard to decide! Definitely, it's not "Apologize" because it's too common now. I guess it's "All We Are". It's an unreleased single.


2) Fall Out Boy

What I Like About 'Em: Other than having Pete Wentz's presence, I like 'em because they make wonderful music together - yes, all four of them. Every song they have is perfect. There's like no song in a Fall Out Boy album that I wouldn't come to love. Although their titles make no connection to their lyrics; and are usually long, they prove to be witty (example: Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year << style="font-weight: bold;">Favorite Single: Very hard to decide, seriously!! I mentioned before that I love all their songs, right? But I guess I love "I'm Like a Lawyer" the most.


3) Lifehouse


People say that they're a Christian Rock group, and many of their songs have been a subject under scrutiny because of that. But whatever. I don't even know what Christian Rock is.

What I Like About Em: Voice. Lead Singer (Jason Wade). Lyrics. Tempo. That's what I look for in Rock, anyway. Most of their songs are uber romantic. Those are the type of songs you'd listen to while watching the sunset. Sappy, emotional and just...contemporary rock. Besides, Jason's voice is so raspy. (I love him!)

Favorite Single: Hmmmm, hands down, it's "Chapter One". I love "Whatever it Takes" too.

4) Dashboard Confessional

What I Like About Em: Truth be told, I am in love with Chris Carrabba (Italian lead singer). He's like perfect. He writes his/their own songs, he composes his/their own tunes. And he's the most perfect, most poetic writer EVER. His lyrics are PERFECT. Very soothing songs, perfect when it's summer and you're in the mood for solitude and aloneness.

Their lyrics won't mean a thing if you don't listen to their music. (If only I weren't sick right now, I'd be squealing at the thought of Chris Carrabba)

Favorite Single: I could say this without THINKING!!! "Stolen", of course! Most romantic song ever. I loved the video to heck!

I love Chris!

5) Incubus

What I Like About Em: This band pretty much changed themselves to the top. Perfect evolution. At first I didn't like them, but with their latest songs, I've grown to love 'em! The lead singer's voice is, again, so (am looking for the right adjective to use) heart-stopping. (Haha)

Although their name is freaky and a li'l on the dark side (Incubus is a devil. What devil, you ask? Oh, let's not go there!), their songs aren't "dark" at all!

Favorite Single: Definitely, "Talk Shows on Mute".

MISS-ery

About 28 days (weekdays) from now, everything is going to change once more. Here we go again with my three-step program called: Accept. Change. Move on. Whatta week. Or shall I say, whatta school year? I was wrong back then - back in the first months of this school year. I said that sophomore year is and will be the worst. But that was just a feeling, an expression that I needed to express before I burst - definitely not a thought or a conclusion. Nothing I write in this blog is confirmed anyway that's why it's called Fictional Autobiography. But I guess you know that by now.

I don't know how to stay in touch during summers. But who really cares? Every thing's gonna change anyway, right? I don't know. I told you, I don't know what to think.

But, gawd, this school year's the best. I learned so many things from the smartest people I know and also from the "least" competent people I know (ouch! Hey, no offense please. That was a hyperbole). "People" and "Events" made this school year productive.

I learned so much, let me reiterate that. SO MUCH. I also grew up so much. I learned how to control my stupid heart. I learned how to control my big fat mouth. I learned how to psychoanalyze the word "how". I learned everything and much more.

That's why I'm gonna miss this school year so much. SO MUCH.

My heart is currently literally pulsating itself out. I don't know why I feel so nervous writing a post like this.

And here's my Miss List:

(Don't worry, it's not arranged in any particular order. Just random.)

I'm gonna miss calling Stephanie Garcia "sexy".

I'm gonna miss chatting with friends 'til 3 AM while balancing homework on the other hand.

I'm gonna miss Ms. Reginio's light-heartedness (I realize Filipino teachers REALLY ARE confidence-builders. Just like Ma'am Gabiane last year.)

I'm gonna miss having Filipino as a favorite subject (you never know, I might rekindle my love for English again next year)

I'm gonna miss Denise from my Chinese classes because she's gonna be graduating after said 28 days. SIGGGHHH!!!!

I'm gonna miss Guild meetings with Mr. Delos Reyes (Gosh. The Guild is something I feel so attached to. SO ATTACHED to. I cannot detach from it right away, I might die! And therefore I can say that: I love the guild. And once I love something, I won't be able to move on from it until some massive thing happens. SHOOT me.)

I'm gonna miss Miss Estacio's errr moodiness.

I'm gonna miss Mrs. Villaron so much more.

I'm gonna miss Snow White.

I'm gonna miss my "barkada" in Section A in Chinese.

I'm gonna miss hunting and chasing Mr. Someone with Cha, Camille and Bea.

I'm gonna miss Cha calling me "terror".

I'm gonna miss calling Cha ...uhmm...names that I rather not mention here.

I'm gonna miss asking for Kevin's technologically related advice nearly once a month. Talk about technological therapy.

I'm gonna miss laughing with II-5.

I'm gonna miss Mr. Blue the notebook.

I'm gonna miss not sleeping because of writing for articles for The Quest.

I'm gonna miss staying up late.

I'm gonna miss (oh gawd, an emo song is playing as I write this. That emo song will make me sappy..Eek don't let me cry! Damn tears) crying in school.

I'm gonna miss The Guild - how many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss the Seniors who have purposefully attached themselves to my life. I will never forget you, people!

I'm gonna miss my 3 stalkers: An old lady, a weird teenager and a kindergarten pupil. Go on, laugh!

I'm gonna miss hanging out in Ersao.

I'm gonna miss teasing Camille to someone she hates.

I'm gonna miss getting to know everyone.

I'm gonna miss Aileen even more. Crap.

I'm gonna miss "picnics" with Cha, Camille and Stephanie (Section A classmates again!)

I'm gonna miss therapy sessions with Jasmine and Eunice.

I'm gonna miss Bea's care-taking antics.

I'm gonna miss Snow White! Boo hoo! Her subject's the only subject I get 99's in. Hahaha. Gotta love Chinese History.

I'm gonna miss stalking.

I'm gonna miss self-actualizing.

I'm gonna miss Statistics.

I'm gonna miss Biology.

I'm gonna miss Elizableggtch (STAYING ALIVE, people!)

I'm gonna miss Rachelle even more.

I'm gonna miss the study periods.

I'm gonna miss the "Friendship Bond" that I used to teach my classmates during study periods.

I'm gonna miss teaching Andrew "limits". And his appreciation for my teaching it to him.

I'm gonna miss my Saturday sessions.

I'm gonna miss The Guild. Shoot. How many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss missing ANTM.

I'm gonna miss hating the world.

I'm gonna miss lingering around the faculty few minutes after Chinese dismissal.

I'm gonna miss writing posts for this blog...

...this isn't the end of my Miss List. There are still millions of stuff to pierce into that list. Just you wait. I need to cut this short now. But heck, wait for the others before this emo song kills me.

When Good Girls Go Loco

Little Miss Goody Two Shoes – people expect from her (especially the Chinese teachers), when she fails, people keep asking her what happened.

And that, people, is what I am feeling at this very month of December.

I wanna be a bad girl who flunks and does not care.

If a good girl flunks, she cares.

You see, it’s EASIER being bad than good.

(In terms of Academics, you guys)

Because “good” needs traits: hardwork, time, prioritization, organized stuff and lack of messiness.

Apparently, I have NONE of those above. And I don’t plan to have any. At all.

The pressure and the expectations (in Chinese, you guys) are just too high for me to reach. Because I don’t care. I’m not supposed to CARE because I DON’T want to CARE. I’m a stubborn bee. You can’t force me to like something I don’t.

Yet when I test my “goody-girlness”, I pass. I mean, like when there is a test the next day, I WON’T study the night before and then when the test comes in my face, I suddenly cram everything to my head and get at least an 85.

My point is, I don’t want to care about my Chinese grades anymore so I could focus on waning my stress and sleeping more at night. BUT I CAN’T!!!!!

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO TURN INTO A BAD GIRL?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

IS IT BECAUSE OF THE GENETICS? SOMETHING IN MY DNA?

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS NEVER CHEATED ON A FREAKING CHINESE TEST?

It’s exigent.

I guess, the 5 good traits don’t matter anymore (as I end this post, I mean). Because I think I have the ultimate trait that would reign above all – and that’s guilt.

PEACE.

I Remember...

I remember…

…the weirdest thing I have ever done.

I was 5 back then. Or 6. Maybe. I was fond of experimenting with stuff because my curiosity went more than it should have at that time.

I liked mixing different stuff because I thought I could create solid rock/pebbles/stones and then put them beside Jennifer and the good old fairies (Jennifer: the name of a doll that used to be so popular. I hate Barbie by the way).

One time, I grabbed the nearest plastic cup and filled it with a half-cup of water, poured Shampoo in it (I still remember the brand!), took a piece of soap and dropped it there, stole my mother’s lotion, put some anonymous creams that my mind could not fathom, put isopropyl alcohol, coke, and other fluids that would make you puke when combined all together.

I stirred (using a short barbeque stick), and stirred. I had an idea forming in mind – I was going to pour it to our huge balete tree somewhere in the backyard and then – poof! – after a day, that tree would grow diamonds!

I poured the disgusting, yuck molded mixture slash compound to that poor ‘ole balete tree and felt chemistry between satisfaction and, at the same time, guilt for I knew that my misled doings would wind up to the tree’s inevitable death.

The next day, I saw a HUGE diamond-looking crystal thingy in the loamy soil of the faithful balete and then I quickly dragged my father to see what marvelous thing I had invented. So I did. And when we got to that spot, the diamond thingy vanished, leaving me wanting to make another experiment and HUMILIATED for inviting my father to my so-called “genius debut”. And then I saw my aunt carrying said thingy, she said it was gonna be used as part of the props that some student is going to use. My hopes fell. No more genius thingy.

I was embarrassed!

But seriously, did you do that when you were a kid?

I hope I’m not the only weird one.

Forgetfulness

A biography won’t be complete without the life of the person being written about.

In THIS fictional autobiography, I am the writer and the one being written about.

And here’s an update about my LIFE.

Well, I think I’ve finally done it.

I have reached my current potential. And I’m loving it.

It’s like I forgot how to be mad, sad, angry, irritated, on the verge of suicide.

It’s like my memory ran away from my heart and brain. Because, I really did forget how o be all those.
I EMBRACE MY WHIMSICALITY!

Thank this year for making me stronger!

It’s life in a new light.

And the light is not one pint of a burden.

I love it.

I’m finally living it.

And I’m never gonna leave.

I love life.

Live. Love. Let Go.

Amazing.