Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)

Mark their words: Nemo me impune lacessit "No one harms me with impunity." Yes, that's The Cask of Amontillado to you.

Never have I ever found myself thinking about vengeance...vendetta... revenge...I'd always thought that anyone's (given that he did wrong) conscience would avenge the victim.

But sometimes, revenge gets to you in the weirdest way possible.

Are there two kinds of revenge: good and bad revenge?

Is doing the right thing revenge?

Is it revenge when it's justifiable (logically and rationally speaking)?

Is it still revenge when you're doing "it" to protect someone, say, future successors?

I don't know.

But, seriously, who knows?

These things are beyond dictionary's definition. Moreover, these things are beyond juvenile experiences.

But, readers, if you hear something in the near future that relates to ME, the thought of revenge, the thought of righteousness and morality (like a scandal), refer back to this little post.

The scandal's gonna explode like a tiny bomb. Let's just wait and see.






Only time will tell.

I Love My Job

Crunch time once and again in the press room! Papers everywhere - files everywhere. Copy room's occupied. Editors busy. Editor-in-chief having coffee, preparing to pull an all-nighter.

In my dreams!

Gah. I wish I could live that life. If I could be a pro editor-in-chief of a magazine, I'd be the happiest girl in the universe. It's my dream. I wouldn't care if I'd pull a thousand all-nighters. I just wanna live the life.

But who's to say that my current life isn't like that? *brag mode. lol* That I, as the editor-in-chief of one of the most competent publications in Chinatown, doesn't gulp coffee in preparing to pull all-nighters?

Hey, I'm feeding my head balloon tanks of my own ego here. LOL. Forgive me for that.

Well, anyway, even though the stress is overwhelming like crazy, I can cope. Because I am motivated. Because I love what I do. Because I am driven only by those to things: motivation and passion. I'm drawn to the job so much - its positivities and negativities. Socialization. Friends. Drama. Photoshoots. Pictorials. Spreads. Fashion. Seminars. Politics. Philosophy. Psychology. Writing. Interviews. Life. Experiences. Photos. Stress. Editing. Field Trips. Documents. Layouting. Dummy prints. Mastheads. Articles.


And everything else.

"Articles? They will never stop coming," said Mr. Delos Reyes - my Guild adviser and Journalism Guru. When he said that, I realized it. He was right. He was so right. Those things will never stop coming!


I'll be seeing myself soon...in five years or so... in a magazine. A hotshot magazine.

I Heart Sarah Palin

I'm not supposed to be doing this - I'm supposed to be studying.. but NO... I just skirmish around Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page (she comments on Sarah Palin)... and then scroll down... and then POOF! I see haters all around bashing her, saying that she has no RIGHT to judge Sarah Palin.

Before I dismantle my inner nuclear bomb, I need to now organize my thoughts.

Well, first off, Sarah Palin is a damn politician. People, in nature, have the RIGHT to comment on their potential-future-leader.

Second, those people who commented on her blog, I know for a fact, DISLIKE Sarah Palin (seriously, who doesn't? LOL I'm kidding!) but bash Lindsay just for the kinks of it.

The worst comment a hater said was that Lindsay was judging Sarah Palin and that Linds MUST grow up now.

Listen, hater: Polish your grammar first before you go on ranting, okay?

Back to that topic. JUDGMENT.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, PEEPS! PEOPLE do not know the fine lines among OPINION, JUDGMENT AND VERBAL ATTACK! I bet these people don't even know that there is such a thing as a "fine line".

These people are the scourges of moral degeneraion.

Moral degeneration, people. Moral degeneration.

It's not that I'm biased because I basically LOVE Lindsay Lohan. I'm being morally intact here. And rational.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Verbal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

This is an example of a verbal attack: They don't teach those things in school, my fair dimwits (*refers to the haters*). They don't teach those in school... is that why you don't know 'em?

(It's a verbal attack since I used the word "dimwit")

Well, damn with the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Vebal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

Do you know how to differentiate them?

Hmpf.

I'll differentiate them for you when I'm not busy building my morals and intellect.

I'll differentiate them and I bet you a million bucks...

So now what.. You're gonna say that I'm judging all of you? Now you're gonna be saying that I'm verbally attacking you?

What close-minded angles!

A List of Things to Worry About

Tests are over but I'm definitely not happy. I will only be happy when we go to Korea this coming December - and that's because there's snow there. That and that only.

I sucked at the tests. Super disappointed in myself. Sheesh. Maybe my standards are too high for my own sake.

Anyway, I have classes later on (1:45PM)... so I'll just let this post be quick (if I can).


This'd serve as my daily reminder of my daily stress.

Stuff to Do:

1. Fulfill obligations as the Editor-in-Chief of a magazine - And that means: editing, writing an op ed and an editorial, EDITING some more, interviewing and being a leader.

2. Prepare for October 20's showdown - This means that I should start studying Literature and Grammar NOW.

3. Clean up clutter - This means I need to follow everything Reader's Digest (October Issue) says when it comes to clutter.

4. Look for Missing Things - This means that I need to look for my Library Card NOW.

5. Fix Social Life - This means that I need to start my Reflecting Month this November.

6. Clean Up iPod - This means that I need to start deleting songs I don't listen to anymore and start synchronizing those new Podcasts before my iPod's memory goes down the drain.

7. Get a Nice Rest For Goodness' Sake - This means that I need to get my First Quarter Lifestyle back. And you know what that means? That means NOT YM-ing friends at night after school. That means SLEEPING BEFORE 3PM.


That's it.

Peace, Love... Contemporary Rock (Part 2)!

I'm not doing anything right now (except this, of course) and ... in this free time, I browse my blog archives, realize that I write just like HRH Princess Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Grimaldi Renaldo (a.k.a Princess Mia the fictional character from Princess Diaries - LOL I'm laughing as I type this)... and observe that my love for Rock has grown like an Acacia Tree.

I'm a true blue music-lover if you really, really know me. Music is just so... powerful.

But, again, as you know, I really love Rock. Alternative Rock, Indie Rock, Rock and Roll, Heavy Rock, Christian Rock, Light Rock, whatever the Rock it is. (I just call it Rock. Plain and simple.)

If you're not acquainted with that FACT, well, here's a link that will show you how much I LOVE Rock. Gawd it feels like I wrote it a year ago.

There's a new list but of course that doesn't mean I don' love the old ones in the link anymore. I love my Rock equally ^_^

Here are my current faves (feel free to rave!):

Sheesh I don't know where to start...

1. Phantom Planet

They came to fame when the (once) hit show The O.C. used their song "California" as the theme song. I should tell you, "California" isn't the only noteworthy song in their history. In fact, I think ALL their songs have great quality - voice, melody, Rock essence - and more. The lead singer's (Alex Greenwald) voice is so versatile. He can evoke appropriate emotions AND his vocal variations are superb. He can make a song sound melancholy and hopeful (like in "Anthem" and "Lonely Day") and then shift to something that's loud, energetic and bold (like "Always on My Mind", "Hey Now Girl" and "Somebody's Baby"). He can go dark too ("In Our Darkest Hour").

But seriously, what makes them really unique to my ears is the weirdness of the sound itself. Take "Wishing Well", for example. If you listen to its intro (and its ending), you'd hear the weirdest sound effects in the universe. The vocal effects combined with the sound is amazing - cue "Leader" and "Do the Panic". They know how to play with their music instruments - cue "Dropped". Their uniqueness appeals to me. Other than that, they just really make me feel nostalgic, creative, bright... bittersweet - in short, they make me FEEL which is something that modern songs fail to do.

One more thing, the lyrics. Listen to "Anthem" - they make sense, don't they?

And of course, I love the lead singer's voice.

Applause to them. They're on my Top 3, really. I love them.

Favorite Songs: Well, I love all of them. Nuff said.

Latest Album: Raise the Dead


2. Rooney

Just a coincidence after having mentioned Princess Mia from the Princess Diaries, the lead singer in Rooney (Robert Carmine) played Michael Moscovitz (the male leading character) in the movie with Anne Hathaway.

Other than that, I bet you've heard the band if you used to watch The O.C.

Rooney's sound leans to the 70's era's Rock. But don't get me wrong - they're not those stuck-up hippies. They're like a cool, contemporary version of The Beach Boys (especially when they use the tremevin - a stringed instrument resembling the guitar).

They keep on making these repetitive sounds that I don't know how to describe. In short, they play with their voices.

Favorites Songs: "When Did Your Heart Go Missing", "I'm Shakin'", and "I Should've Been After You"

Latest Album: Calling the World

3. The White Tie Affair

Here's another band from Chicago (a la Panic At the Disco and Fall Out Boy)!

Their sound is rock plus dance plus alternative combined. This suits my taste perfectly. But the songs are more perfect for parties.


Their lyrics mostly contain angst/hostility towards an ex-lover (OUCH!). In a nutcase, the most significant thing about the band is their sound - vocals, rhythms, and all that.

Favorite Songs: "Allow Me to Introduce Myself... Mr. Right", "Scene Change", "Candle Sick and Tired" and "If I Fall"

Latest Album: Walk This Way


4. Plain White T's

They sprang into Hollywood/Music Industry fame when they released "Hey There Delilah", allegedly the most romantic love song ever. But I don't see what the fad with "Hey There Delilah" is. I don't really like it. In fact, out of all of the band's songs, "HTD" is my least favorite.

Well, you gotta give props to Plain White T's for the marvelous lyrics - dedicated to a girl named Delilah whom the lead singer (Tom Higgenson) claims to be the "most beautiful girl" he's ever seen. Awwwww.

Btw, the girl only went out with him after the single went popular worldwide. >>>>>> Delilah with Tom

What I like the most about the band is that they have the requisite Rock Essence. I think I've mentioned what the Rock Essence is before. Rock Essence - it is lyrics plus sound plus voice. Tom Higgenson's voice sounds so nasal - this works to their advantage 'cause their songs require that kind of voice - emotional, melancholy and super sentimental.

Their lyrics, however, delve into love and romance - every girl's favorite.

Favorite Songs: "1,2,3,4" - so romantic and sweet: "There's only 1 thing 2 say, 3 words, 4 you... I love you...", "Shine" - I think it's about a drinking/sobriety problem but the lyrics are brilliant. "So Damn Clever" - it's one of the fast songs, perfect, "Natural Disaster" - love the guitar works, the drums, everything!

Latest Album: Big Bad World


5. Jack's Mannequin

I've just recently listened to this band - but I've been hearing their name since forever so I thought why not try to listen to them? So I did.

Their sound is a combined "The White Tie Affair" and "Boys Like Girls", at the same time it's kind of John Mayer meets Jason Mraz. That's the only way to put it since I don't know much about this band yet. They have meaningful lyrics and they do possess the Rock Essence.

I heard that this band was formed by Andrew McMahon - a musical genius, if I may say so. Their sound is bold, kind of like a strong coffee early in the morning. Their sound is so vivid.

As for feelings, their music usually evokes a bright mood. It's best played during long roadtrips - loud in your iPod.

Favorite Songs: "Spinning" - love this!, "The Resolution", "Into the Airwaves"

Latest Album: The Glass Passenger



Whew, there goes my Rock IQ prowess!

Remember...


PEACE, LOVE, ROCK AND ROLL!

Ahem

My hatred for stupid people has once again given itself an acceleration of a million miles per minute.

Stupid people really annoy me.


*see definition of "stupid"




Fuck off.




*tries super hard to expunge anger out of system - I have Chinese Lit to study for tonight and the time's ticking... no need to get pissed... Catherine, no need to get pissed... no need to get pissed.... gaaaah! see in the next few hours I'm gonna waste my time hating this particular stupid person.

Dunno Why

I have this sudden strong aversion towards crappy status messages.

I hate it when they say "DND" in their status messages. I mean, if you don't want others to disturb you, what's the damned purpose of going online? If you can give me an answer that I can't counter, well, all hail you and your DND.

The second thing I hate: when people keep on using the word "BUSY" when someone else uses the word "BUSY" and then all of your YM Friends start using the word "BUSY" just for the heck of it.

Third, quotations. If you wanna quote somebody just for the kinks of it, then make sure the quotation has an impact, a striking X-factor that can make jaws drop. If your quotation is incapable of doing so, then, MAKE IT do so.

Well, those are just my opinions - blunt, straightforward and frank. (As always.)

After all...

Catherine Tan (Status Message):
*State: Full of opinions - strong ones. Mood: Intense. Mode: Aggressive. Mantra: The world is so full of pretense.*

Rip van Winkle

People say I'm losing weight and getting trim. I don't know if it's just because I wear more fitted clothes unlike back then (which I realize now, are one size bigger than my normal size). Or if it's because I'm REALLY losing weight.

I mean, how could I lose weight when all I ever do is sleep and eat (while listening to music, of course)? I don't know. I really don't. All I know is, I need to stop not doing my homework. I've already got a LOT of things piled up on my friggin' desk you know.

STUFF:
1. The Quest articles
2. Organize clutter in house (aka Filipino test papers, art materials, and magazines)
3. Stop flunking Math
4. Start reviewing for Chinese Math
5. Start reviewing for Chinese Lit aka Tsong Wen
6. Start reviewing for Chinese History aka Tsong He
7. Prepare for Eng. Quiz Bee on Oct. 20
8. Get my life straight


Oh. Now I know why I keep losing weight: It's because I'm stressed. When I'm stressed, I seek comfort food. And my comfort food happens to be taho (not the cheap ones you'd see lurking on the streets, you know).

Lawd Gawd. Just typing this makes me wanna got to bed.

Tired.

The ABC's of Life

And now I shall venture into teaching.

But before that, I shall give you a list of vocabulary words... make sure you understand them thoroughly, know them by heart, and apply them appropriately.

Voc. List # 1

1. responsibility - when I say something, I make it a point that I live up to it.

Example Sentence: Her damned friends failed to fulfill their responsibility to show up for a group meeting that should have had taken place last Wednesday.

2. friend - someone I can talk to anywhere, anyhow, anytime.

Example Sentence: She has very few friends because many of her old friends weren't friends at all.

Another Example Sentence: She doesn't want a "best friend", a "close friend" or a "best friend forever" - she just wants someone she can call a friend sans the quotation marks.

3. emo - someone who hates the world and is proud during that process

Example Sentence: All of her friends are emo.

4. friendless - someone whose friends resolved to abandonment

Example Sentence: She used to feel loved by her "close friends", but now feels friendless.

5. immaturity - "I am stupid and I don't know anything about the real world"

Example Sentence: Her friends succumb to immaturity and therefore she became friendless.

6. friendship - the most overrated abstract thing in the universe

Example Sentence: Her life is ruined by friendship.

7. frankness - what the world needs to be perfect; to accept the truth and to be the truth

Example Sentence: Her friends rejected any form of frankness.

8. listen - the ability to lend one's ears wholeheartedly to someone who is in the process of self-expression

Example Sentence: One thing her friends failed to do is to listen.

9. stupidity - the inability to think like a morally and emotionally intellectual human being.

Example Sentence: Her friends may be academically inclined, but if there's one thing they're really, really good at, it's stupidity.

10. smart - someone who knows life outside the Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Geometry/Trigonometry/ Chinese History/Chinese Literature books

Example Sentence: She has only one smart friend.

11. superficiality - "Look at me, I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm fashionable, I'm perfect. I'm just like one of those girls you see on 'Girls Gone Wild'"; "Look at me, I watch TV shows all day and that's the only thing I care about - minus, of course, my perfect looks."; "I'm a party girl, in a party world."

Example Sentence: If there's one thing she doesn't want her friends to go into, it's superficiality (but sadly, it's too late).

12. human being - a creature that, in general, sees, thinks and feels the real side of things.

Example Sentence: Are her friends human beings?

The Bitch on the Bus: GoG Cat Fight

Just got home from the field trip. Tiring day...etc...etc. Will not focus on field trip. Will focus on the pissed-off field trip.

You see, when we got stranded on the bus, I started expressing my opinions to my classmates in the usual Catherine Way. If you do not know the "Catherine Way", well, just think of it as: aggressive, frank and straightforward (and not to mention very very very frank BUT not in a tactless way). Opinions about what, you ask? Well, opinions about how two people bond through what they HATE, not through what they LIKE. Obviously, I mentioned examples. I was all: "So if you hate stupid people, you have a mutual bond right there."

(Prior to that incident, some of our BUS MATES (will not say WHICH section) were whining, complaining, bitching and mewling over some random, trifle stuff. - that people at the front were not moving. This obviously ignited my dang neurotic nature so I guess you know where I extracted that Catherine Way.)

I blabbed on about the whole psychological research on HATE thingy until basically we started going down the dang stairs.

But all throughout the WHOLE thing, I had glimpses of this super small girl with shoulder-length hair. This girl was staring at me. And so I blabbed more because I know that her eyes contained judgment, and her eyes were scanning me from head to toe. - another tseture that suggestsed judgment. Besides, since Sophomore Year, I've been seeing this girl stare at me as if I'm: a.) a freakshow b.) Miley Cyrus c.) all of the above. Damn her. So I didn't give a damn - why the hell she did stare, I heck had no idea.

I was about to glare at her when I lunged at myself, grabbed myself by the neck and turned away. No glaring, Catherine. No catfights. No bitchiness on the bus.

But then she started whispering to her MORE glamorous friend. Obviously, the friend looked at me the same way you'd look at a barbarian. The same way you'd look at an outsider who is thrashing and trashing your friend.

I knew why and what she whispered - I heard, heck. (Bitch on the Bus doesn't know how to tone down her voice.)

She whispered that I was bitching on their section. Perhaps because their section was the one WHINING, COMPLAINING, BITCHING and MEWLING over some trifle stuff and at that time I was proclaiming my new HATE theories and just so happened, I mentioned the word "stupid". SO basically she thinks/thought/still is thinking that I am/was/still is bashing her section by calling 'em stupid!

Dang her. Bitch on the Bus ruined MY happy field trip.

And so she passed this judgment to the world.

You know if I were judgmental, I'd probably say - this girl is stupid, fugly, social climbing, slutty, short and ... have I mentioned FUGLY?

If I were tactless and uber mean, I'd probably say - "Hey, bitch, before you pass on judgment to others, look at yourself. What do you see? Besides, I demand a debate. A debate between you and me. And let's see who wins. Equipped with that brain of yours, I don't think you even know how to comprehend what it is that I say right now. Do you even understand English? Oh. Wait. My bad. I remember now - there's no such thing as stupid vs. smart. Simply incomparable. Go fug yourself and die." When I say stupid, I don't mean academically stupid. I don't mean mentall stupid either. When I say stupid, I MEAN STUPID as in "passing judgment", "jumping to conclusions" and simply "emotionally unhinged." When I say smart, I mean THOSE WHO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.

If I basked on pride and pride alone, I'd probably scream (to the world): "I have a new principle. If you're stupid (stupid by way of the definitions stated above), you have no right to correct smart people. You're simply a waste of our effing time."

BUT NO.

I guess I'm not THAT worse.

So, instead of all those, I sit on my arse here, typing my hatred away...

...and hopefully, those three "if I's" would not come true to life. For if they do... we'll see who the bitch is.

YKWYA (You Know Who You Are)

My angst is more intense than the dire problems of the country. This is angst overridden. This is angst exposed - without fins, scales, skins or masks. This is MY angst. And I'll bequeath you with nothing, nothing at all except for this angst!

Did God intend his creations NOT to be made of the finest materials - not of marble, not of bronze, not of gold - BUT of the most rotten foibles? I doubt so for I highly respect God.

Do you intend to expunge superficiality - not propriety? I am questioning your choices. After all, you know what they say - it's your choices that show you who you are, far more than your abilities.

Dearest Friends,

I wanted to tell you a thousand things - a thousand things worth-knowing. Positive ones! Negative ones! But did you deign to listen? No. You said you didn't want to. It implied that you didn't want to get hurt. The problem is, I wasn't even trying to get you hurt in the first place. Even if I did, the positive after-effect would be: your strength not mine.

I've been a friend of yours for a long time now! Listening is the only gift I wanted you to present to me! It was the only gift I wanted - the gift I longed for as a kid, the gift I yearned to unwrap during Christmas or any given Sunday. But it was the one gift that you couldn't give me. I've helped you with a lot of things. I've helped you with your inner psyche. And all I wanted was for you to listen. Just please, please listen. If it wouldn't be too materialistic of me to bask under the light of this non-existent gift... But you didn't give me this gift. Perhaps it was too expensive? Perhaps...?

Our inconsistencies have left a huge gap on my outlook towards you. I don't like you anymore. It may sound like the most hypocritical thing but really - I don't like you anymore. I don't want to be with you. Even if I'd want to be with you, it's because of old times' sake. I don't really need old times' sake with someone who was "not there" since the old times, right?

The worst part is, the opposite just happened. Instead of me hurting you, you hurt me. Now I'm trying to drown any forms of life with my music.

When you come back, oh, I don't know. Will I be gone? Will I partake in this mutilated friendship? Will I sink? What will happen?

Nothing happens unless we talk. Unless you give me that gift.

But right now I don't think I want to take it anymore.

Coeur d'Coeurs (Heart of Hearts)

OMG I'm in love....

Call it puppy love, high school love... I don't care. It's love, nonetheless.

Everytime I think of this geeky (gorgeous) guy (he's a year my senior - someone who belongs to either of the star sections), my day brightens up. You know, I thought the whole "OOh, I saw my crush today, I'm happy!" was immature, stereotypical, cliched and cheesy. But it's actually true. It's like you see the guy you like and then... you just sort of daydream about him. Or admire his feats.

In my case, I adore his physical and mental feats. To be both a geek and a gorgeous guy is something that happens once in a blue moon.

I think I'm in love with him. That's because I rarely think of someone in this kind of intense manner. And knowing myself, well, I really like him.

He's just so perfect.

Now, if only he'd stop liking my big sister...

The Art of Plasticity

Perhaps if you are from the future and would care to read this, you would scorn me. You would throw me into the limbo of darkness, the limbo of hell, the limbo of an ageless, bottomless pit. That is because what you are about to read may contain the truth. The truth about plasticity - superficiality - the agonizing truth about the sins of mankind. Worse, you - future person - might be one of THEM. Well, how does this affect the future, anyhow?

You know what I say about the future - when past and present are intermingled, you yield the future. And if the past spawned superficial people all the worse, the present produced second-hand generations of the aforementioned species - the superficial and of course, when your present is nearly overflowing with superficiality and plasticity, the tendency is, you'd have a third-hand generation of modern plastics.

The sudden mass production of plastics must have been caused by major cultural, economical and industrial factors. However, if we really look at it, inner plasticity is caused by a personal urge to become something bigger than it already is.

These are the factors:

1. TV Shows - People tend to think that what they see on TV could be imitated within a snap of a finger. People also tend to think that they could pull off what they see on TV. THEY'RE ACTORS, OKAY?
2. Environmental Factors - Think clique, mindset, HOME (when you bond with your yaya...)
3. Self-perception
   

Let's use a "she". Plasticity is more prone to females in my case, anyway.

What is superficiality/plasticity in the first place?

Lemme explain. Superficiality is the art of being superficial. Let's be more elaborate. When you copy/imitate/plagiarize WTH (whatever the hell) it is on those Pinoy "kikay" (so hard for me to type the quoted word) commercials/ads, you're superficial. First off, it's okay TO be like them - BUT not to the extent of changing your whole persona into something completely negative and completely off. It just looks superficial okay? And no, I'm not being judgmental. I'm being...observant. One more thing, if you pose that "kikay" (had to swallow my tongue just to type the damned fugly quoted word) pose in pictures, which is obviously annoying *cue, widens eyes, flashes toothy grin, raises both eyebrows to make eyes elaborate, shifts angles to look unfat*, you're superficial. Or maybe I could be less harsh: that event is superficial. If you meet someone and automatically as if you've seen each other before the cambrian period of human life, you are superficial. If you are trying to be something you aren't, you're superficial.


There are other definitions - MANY definitions. Listing them one by one would take me all night. And even all morning.

What is plasticity? Oh God. I don't need to explain this. Smart people get what this means.

*Plasticity is a form of superficiality.

Oh, and plasticity is also this: the act of saying "hi"or "hello" to someone you have absolutely no amor for. It's okay to say hi and hello to someone you have a love-hate relationship with - but with someone you absolutely HATE? You're plastic - go geta life. If you remain plastic with that person despite her confrontations, you are the absolute goddess of plasticity. If you remain plastic with a certain person just because YOU fear of losing, you are still plastic. If you remain plastic with a certain person just because you "don't want any fights", then you're not only plastic, but you're also stupid. Oh WTF, you disgust me, get away from me!

What causes someone to weart that mask of plasticity? Is it all that make-up? Is it all those nasty concealers that don't really conceal anything to the cunning ones? Partly yes. Is it her clothes? Her trying hard, second-grade clothes? Partly yes. Is it her smile? YES. A BIG FAT YES. Look, if you're gonna be plastic - don't make it obvious, damn you! Unless you're really stupid, you can pull a plastic move - heck, a PLASTIC SMILE. If you're going to smile, smile naturally. Yours is just so fake!

-to be continued-

Comeback

To drive away all the negative chakra in my blog, I present to you someone else's not-so-negative blog. Guess who!


Lindsay Lohan.


It's her official blog. And dare I say this, sure she has grammatical mistakes but at least she WRITES.

I wanna quote her (this made me laugh like hell!): "Oh, and...Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY! And in the words of Pamela Anderson, 'She can suck it'.."

Here's the URL if you wanna read the whole thing: LL


Can't believe I'm still a fan, after all the drama.

Why Do These Things Keep Happening to Me?

I really wish I could say "enough of the drama". Or "I'm cutting out the drama". Or "my life is void of drama". But I really can't. It's like a genetic DISABILITY. Take note, DISABILITY, not INABILITY.

Sometimes, the drama's all in THE MIND.

I need a shrink for this one.

First of all, lemme describe an average day in my life. Today would be a good start. I go to school happy and all that since I rank 8 in my class, got the highest grade in blah blah blah (I do not wanna start bragging). I even shriek in the appropriate times. I even act like a normal person. But then comes 2nd period. I begin to worry. Worry about that oratorical competition thingy. Mrs. Ong had asked me to TIE MY HAIR IN A FULL PONYTAIL. Which is like a curse on my part because of my face shape (think FAT GIRL).

Of course, I laugh about those stuff. I laugh at myself you know. I'm not all high and mighty, contrary to pessimistic belief.

Now I begin to think about my worrying. WHY AM I EVEN WORRIED? I ask myself (2nd period). Just the thought of it makes my heart go gaga. Literally. It's:

1. 55% excitement (to see the outcome)
2. 15% adrenaline
3. 20% fear (of losing)
4. 10% anxiety (of all of the above)

That's a total of 100%. That 100% takes over my body like a lethal injection. As a reflex, my heart beats non-systematically. It fluctuates. It goes thump thump thump. Then thump thump thump 12 times. Then multiply that by 12 again. And again. And again. I am not kidding. I really lose oxygen - I'm asthmatic too. Then I could feel myself gag. I wanna barf. And because I don't actually barf, I keep coughing. And coughing. And then the watery thing fills my eyes. Not TEARS! Just that watery thing. People ask: "are you crying?"

They think I'm crying tears of joy.

It's true, the past week's been bliss.

I'm like "NO". I feel like barfing. But I don't add that since it will simply catalyze a barrage of questions - HATEABLE questions - "are you okay?", "wanna go to the comfort room?" or worse: "CAT, OKAY KA LANG??".

I feel as if my body is immobilized.

Because of that oratorical thingy. As I experience that bodily phenomenon, my mind wanders. If I don't win this oratorical audition/thingy/whatever/elimination round, it will be the end of my career as we know it. If I win this oratorical thingy, my anxiety will be down by (a measly) 5%. If I don't win this thing, I will kill myself since I fear failure. If I win this thing, I will be self-satisfied.

There's a billion more where that came from....

But in lieu of thinking about the billion, I subdue myself to the bodily phenomenon. I find it harder to breathe. My heart is beating too fast. I feel weak because of oxygen sufficiency. I feel immobilized by too much blood rush. My head is spinning because of those aforementioned questions. My back begins to hurt for reasons I am unaware of. My whole body system wants to shut down but my mind makes it stop. And... and...

I rehearse the speech inside my head.

Oh, and then this thought strikes me: OMG. When is Mrs. Ong going to rehearse with me? What time did she say again? 3rd period? NEXT PERIOD? When's the contest, in the first place? What period? I should've asked Caryl! Dammit, I do not want to lose to anyone! I wrote the piece they're going to memorize!

The bell rings.

I escape. But as I do so, I begin to feel my claustrophobia seething in. Shit.

Of all fears, why do I have to be claustrophobic?

Third period comes. Values. Role play. Thank God for ad lib! Although it was a success, the only thing on my mind all throughout was: where is Mrs. Ong?

Shit.

Then the same bodily phenomenon overcomes me the moment I sit. Only now, it's worsened by questions - MENTAL questions. I ask... (in my head)... what if he gets a higher score than me on next quarter's report card thingy? What if I begin to decline? What if I flunked that? What if I didn't deserve that perfect score? Shit. Where's Mrs. Ong? What am I supposed to do? The bell's about to ring and I'm still HERE. Good goddess, everyone's reading Tech! We have a quiz! I need to get a damned perfect score if I wanna compete with these people! But...but how could I study now when the words don't enter my mind? I can't comprehend a damned thing! Aack my eyes hurt!! Stupidity scratched it to redness last night! Crap. I feel sleepy NOW. Tech...tech...tech...

Those questions heighten the negative effect of said bodily phenomenon to me as a human being.

And the cycles get worse each time.

I manage to live off time during 4th period. But in fact, I was secretly rehearsing the piece back in my head. Elaine asks something. I'm pretty sure I say: "the problem is, I've never joined an oratorical contest before. I've always joined declamation contests. And my experience there is, like, *hand gestures that denote "vast"*. So ...." I shrug.

Deep inside, I want to curl up to bed.

5th period is a nightmare.

First, this guy (he who shall not be named because we're not really uber close friends) from 4-6 in a barong comes in my Tech class (we're in the Tech Lab) and asks for "Miss Catherine". I leave. I tie my hair. No prob. No biggie.

When I entered 4-6 (Mrs. Ong was there, wearing a yellow Filipiniana), Mam Ong uttered words I did not hear. I have ear problems. And I just stand there NODDING to something I can't even hear; second-guessing. AGAIN. Then I leave.

I wish to guess what she said right. As I understand it, I must to go back to take the Tech quiz first, then come back to her later. No idea on what "later" meant.

Blah blah blah. I took the test. And then all of a sudden, I find myself cursing at my monitor. For freaking shallow reasons. (It's kinda funny NOW). Mam Pablo probably heard this and thought I was cursing her (oh please no, Mam Pablo's like one of my fave teachers) so she said it's ok for me to go back to Mrs. Ong.

I freeze in my seat.

I don't wanna orate.

Nuh-uh.

Of course, that's the stupidest thing you could say to yourself. "I don't wanna orate."

God, Miss Pablo's just so nice, you know.

I head back. Only, in that process, I find another 4-6 guy, on his way to the Tech Lab to "fetch" me. And this sucks because I don't wanna seem all VIP to the world you know. I hate that kind of attention.

I spend an ENORMOUS amount of time fixing my hair AFTER THAT. I don't know. I have hair issues, okay?

Boy, do I love Mrs. Ong. I really, really do. I look up to her. Up UP.

I come to 4-6 8 minutes later to find no Mrs. Ong in front of the class. So I head for the faculty. Before I do that, my Guild comrade Pauline and the 4-6 guy come to stop me from doing that because it turns out Mrs. Ong was seated at the back. It was embarrassing since the 4-6 guy was like, "hey, over here" or something like that. He had this very weird smile on, and I felt like I was the shittiest, weirdest person in the universe. It freaking made me feel inferior. It wasn't HIS fault, of course. The guy's nice.

I speak in front - BUT BEFORE I DO, SOMETHING WEIRD SLIPS OUT OF MY MOUTH. I was all: "Can I ask a question first, is Lindsley the contestant for the oratorical?" Well, Linds and I know each other so it's okay since ... since she's Lindsley. And basically half, if not a quarter of the senior English section knows me. It wasn't at all embarrassing while I was standing there. It was only after the speech, after I said: "thank you" and "bye bye" to the class that I realized I was so stupid for having to ask that fucking question.

It has nothing to do with 4-6 or Mrs. Ong - in fact, those are two things (THINGS?) I respect and revere. It has something to do WITH ME. Why do I have to be so damned screwed in the first place? The good news was/is: I felt good. I think I actually aced it. The BEST NEWS IS: my written piece was chosen for the Infantado-Ylagan (service excellence of teachers for nation-building) oratorical competition!!!!!! Oh, and the real contest was postponed to Monday).

Icing on the cake, y'all. I'm still the best writer in town (ahem, delete all bragging undertones - better yet, delete the whole sentence since some Miss Emo might burst again).

The rest is history. But hah! Think again! The bodily phenomenon still fluttered on me up to Chinese.

And it forever will.

Now, answer this for me, why don't you: WHY DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

Utopia, Dystopia

I kill myself in horror
Upon the thought of your flaws
I drill my mind just to pretend
Just to manifest your sublimity

I cremate my brain for dictating otherwise
I burn my dreams just to prove you exist
I trash my name in order to perfect you
I live a lie so I can be just like you.

In my head, you are flawless
In my heart,you are so full
In my head, you are his ambrosia
In my heart, you are no fairy tale

In my head, you'll always be perfect
In my heart, you are immaculate
In my head, he will always love you
In my heart, you dance like a goddess

Where O Where is the Psychologist?

I need a psychologist.

Heck, I AM ONE.

But the creative writer in me and the thinking writer in me collide. One art - two divisions. I don't even know what's stronger! Nonetheless, I do believe (in one way or the other) that both are one. They do, after all, belong to the same art (am reiterating). So basically I can't be a psychologist to me per se if I don't even know what my main strength is.

BUT I AM TOO DEPRESSED!

All this talk about death depresses me. I'm not ready to die yet.

I haven't finished my novel yet!

And I haven't been able to transmute this hideously beautiful mess of a world into a total beautifully beautiful Utopia!

Oh, and Miss Emo keeps on multiplying. Sigh. Pathetic world.

I need a psychologist - one who thinks and speaks and writes EXACTLY like me.

Sadly there is none - at least, as of now.

NITM

It's currently 12 AM or so, I'm not supposed to be doing this - as usual, I'm supposed to be sleeping in my bed. Of course, when you are highly troubled like me - when you do not know how to ignore things - you ignore your sleep. Because basically, your brain doesn't want to rest. It just wants to keep going and going as if there's actually no limitation. Your brain thinks you're too smart.


Whatever the crap it is that I am talking about, can you ignore it?


I can't.


See, I'm talking crap.


I just feel like writing something, that's all. My eyes are drooping, I'm supposed to be in bed, resting my stupid ears.


I just..... I HATE THE MISS EMO. She can't control her emotions!

Can she not find a different outlet? Is she too much of an irrational jester to hide human nature and act as if it does not exist? I hate her. I hate her. I can name a million reasons why. But right now I can only think of one:

I hate her 'cause she hates me back.


NITM.

.... D'OH

I'm supposed to be doin' something else right now - I rarely lose stuff to do, basically...but the clicking of the keys here on my keyboard is actually music to my ears. It makes me feel like I'm the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, a la Atoosa Rubenstein. It makes me wonder about my future. Obviously, fantasy beats reality anytime. How I wish I could live THAT life. The Atoosa life. The Hollywood life.

Sadly, I don't EVEN live in a super-well-industrialized country. I mean, I love the Philippines, for real. But I just wish it had more spice and mystery like the US (even though I hate to admit this), ITALY, Spain...and France. And Portugal (calling all Christiano Ronaldo fanatics!). Even if I get into a Philippine mag, I'm not gonna be dealing with the Lindsay Lohans, the David Beckhams, the Poshes, the Maroon 5s and the Rihannas. I'm gonna be dealing with the celebrities that I don't like. Heck, I can't even name a super famous contemporary Filipino artist.

This post suddenly reminds me of my diary. This is how things are in my diary, actually. I'd better call it a journal. Diary sounds too childish.

I did this out of boredom.


LOVE,

Me

I Played Baseball Today

Strike One.

Strike Two.

Strike Three.

YOU'RE OUT!

To be frank and completely honest, with all my heart, soul and paw, there's no such thing as "strike three, you're out" in my summer life JUST YET. But who knows? I'm already halfway there. That's one thing I'm sure of. But one thing I'm not sure of is what the referee is thinking.

True. Like what Lifehouse said (please ignore my constant allusions to Lifehouse, I'm obsessed with Jason Wade): "Silence is golden, but I think it's gonna kill me now."

His silence (or maybe the referee's a "her") is really killing me now.

She's so unreadable. But at the same time maybe I'm just taking the ball with a grain of salt. You wanna know what I think? I think there's been too much salt in my life lately. Apparently, there are only two options: either swallow the salt or throw it away. Barf it away. You can't really do anything halfway, can you? At least, I can't. That wouldn't be Catherine at all, you guys.

Maybe I should just sharpen my senses?

After all, it's just a stupid baseball game.