Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)

Mark their words: Nemo me impune lacessit "No one harms me with impunity." Yes, that's The Cask of Amontillado to you.

Never have I ever found myself thinking about vengeance...vendetta... revenge...I'd always thought that anyone's (given that he did wrong) conscience would avenge the victim.

But sometimes, revenge gets to you in the weirdest way possible.

Are there two kinds of revenge: good and bad revenge?

Is doing the right thing revenge?

Is it revenge when it's justifiable (logically and rationally speaking)?

Is it still revenge when you're doing "it" to protect someone, say, future successors?

I don't know.

But, seriously, who knows?

These things are beyond dictionary's definition. Moreover, these things are beyond juvenile experiences.

But, readers, if you hear something in the near future that relates to ME, the thought of revenge, the thought of righteousness and morality (like a scandal), refer back to this little post.

The scandal's gonna explode like a tiny bomb. Let's just wait and see.






Only time will tell.

The Shadow of the Wind

Despite the mounting To-Do lists on my desk here at home, I procrastinate.

Procrastination, thy name is me!

Part of the whole procrastination process was reading "The Shadow of the Wind" by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Yes, just judging from his name, he's Spanish. I've been trying to avoid Spanish authors since forever for this purpose: Fear. You ask: "Fear of what? Fear FOR what?"

Fear that I might get disappointed.

... of the Spanish culture, the Spanish people, and Spain. I expect a lot from European countries, after all. And if you know my middle name, you'd know that I really AM Spanish... that part (a quarter, actually) of my identity is the lingering European blood.

My maternal grandfather, the wisest person I've ever met/seen/heard about, was actually what we've studied in Philippine history books. He was brought up to society by Americans and he learned a lot of languages thanks to what remained to be the Thomasites. He even had pictures of those Americans with him!

My maternal grandfather's grandfather was once a Gov-General. Yes, yes, that kind.

So now. Back to the present. When I was in elem, in my previous school, I thought my family was the weirdest family in the universe. My mother talked differently. My mother acted differently. And obviously, my mother thought differently. I was a kid then. I guess my resolute thought for this was because my family, unlike my classmates' families, is intelligent. Heck, I was top in my class. I took this for granted. I accepted that we were different. But I didn't want to be different. I wanted to BE smart and at the same time BE normal. (Now, aged 15, I realize that being smart and being normal are two points that'd never be on the same plain.)

When I transferred to CKSC (where I met y'all: Kevs, Daniel, Fleur, etc etc), I got to know a few people. Elaine. Mollie. Cha. And when I say "I got to know", I really mean: I dived into their family lives. When I resurfaced, I realized: Hey, I'm in a new school, I'm surrounded by smart people and yet I am STILL different. What the heck?

I learned that their families never fought and reprimanded kids the way my family did. I learned that they didn't speak certain words. I learned that their parents didn't come from families that were as broken as the families my parents came from.

Come my junior year, still the same thing. As of now, I've had made bonds with Eunice, Paul, Jake, Kenny, Beni, Aldric, Elaine, Mollie, Cha, Fleur, Arianne, Nuevo, Camille, Jasmine, Aibee, Roy, Bea... the list goes on, seriously... and so far, none of their families are as different as mine. It's like my family's the weirdest or something!

Then... I read the book by the Spanish author (btw, it's translated to English by Lucia Graves, daughter of poet Robert Graves). It was set in post-war Barcelona.

(I'm not gonna expound on the plot. In fact, I'm not gonna mention the plot!)

I got hooked.

The details...the wordings...the events...the dialogue... they reflected my family.

It was so different from the American novels I had read before... the American novels whose characters' lives I thought were "normal". Yes, I am in blood, Spanish. No Filipino novel, no American novel could ever reflect that!

I AM SPANISH! It's a part of me I've never come to suffice with my everyday doings! It's a part of me that I've never uncovered.

No wonder I'm so inclined to Spanish songs (see profile).

No wonder I'm so inclined to learning Spanish.

No wonder I speak the word "tonta" while the rest of the world would say "tanga!"

No wonder I'd hear my mother talk FRANKLY about things.

I guess, if you really know me and my family troubles which I've mentioned in previous posts, you'd realize that my dysfunctional-family-conflict lies in a cultural barrier. My father is Chinese-Filipino. My mother is Spanish-Filipino. Chinese peeps are conservative. Spanish peeps are more liberal. Chinese peeps are discreet. Spanish peeps are open. Chinese peeps censore a few things. Spanish peeps lay them out in the wild.

And so the inner conflicts of Catherine Tan will forever rage...

It's a bittersweet thing.

I'm not proud to be a Filipino. I'm not proud to be a Chinese. I'm not proud of being Spanish. I'm proud of being all three, all at the same time.

"The Shadow of the Wind" didn't disappoint. It did the opposite. It opened my eyes.

Urge-Stifling

I may be academically degenerating but my life smarts are increasing each day (do I have the right to say that? *Laughs out loud*).

Well, see, I was researching about my topic for our English paper and realized I should base my facts from my previous Editorial "Stupid is the New Smart". But wait, before I go on, do you have any idea what my topic is? Come on! Guess! It's easy. It's obvious!

Moral Degeneration.

*Dies laughing*


If you refer to a LOT of my previous posts, you'd realize how obsessed I am with those two words. Hey, Mrs. Ong was the one who chose that! I gave her a list of topics (said list includes Sarah Palin and McCain, of course), but I have no idea why she chose that one.

So. Stupid is the New Smart. I started reading the first line.

"When a juvenile is approached..."

Eek. I died even before I finished reading the whole paragraph. HOW TRITE COULD I HAVE BEEN? WHY HAD I WRITTEN CRAP? Was that really JUST a year ago? HAS MY WRITING EVOLVED THIS MUCH? I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUBLISHED CRAP LAST YEAR - ON MY EDITORIAL, EVEN!

I can't believe how improved my writing now is. Now, I'm more... rational. Thankfully. Goodbye, Miss Trite. Hello, Hopeful.

I guess my writing's improved because I am improved.

Ya know what they say, writing isn't about vocab, grammar and putting those two both. It's about the writer's mind.

I Heart Sarah Palin

I'm not supposed to be doing this - I'm supposed to be studying.. but NO... I just skirmish around Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page (she comments on Sarah Palin)... and then scroll down... and then POOF! I see haters all around bashing her, saying that she has no RIGHT to judge Sarah Palin.

Before I dismantle my inner nuclear bomb, I need to now organize my thoughts.

Well, first off, Sarah Palin is a damn politician. People, in nature, have the RIGHT to comment on their potential-future-leader.

Second, those people who commented on her blog, I know for a fact, DISLIKE Sarah Palin (seriously, who doesn't? LOL I'm kidding!) but bash Lindsay just for the kinks of it.

The worst comment a hater said was that Lindsay was judging Sarah Palin and that Linds MUST grow up now.

Listen, hater: Polish your grammar first before you go on ranting, okay?

Back to that topic. JUDGMENT.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, PEEPS! PEOPLE do not know the fine lines among OPINION, JUDGMENT AND VERBAL ATTACK! I bet these people don't even know that there is such a thing as a "fine line".

These people are the scourges of moral degeneraion.

Moral degeneration, people. Moral degeneration.

It's not that I'm biased because I basically LOVE Lindsay Lohan. I'm being morally intact here. And rational.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Verbal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

This is an example of a verbal attack: They don't teach those things in school, my fair dimwits (*refers to the haters*). They don't teach those in school... is that why you don't know 'em?

(It's a verbal attack since I used the word "dimwit")

Well, damn with the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Vebal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

Do you know how to differentiate them?

Hmpf.

I'll differentiate them for you when I'm not busy building my morals and intellect.

I'll differentiate them and I bet you a million bucks...

So now what.. You're gonna say that I'm judging all of you? Now you're gonna be saying that I'm verbally attacking you?

What close-minded angles!

Dunno Why

I have this sudden strong aversion towards crappy status messages.

I hate it when they say "DND" in their status messages. I mean, if you don't want others to disturb you, what's the damned purpose of going online? If you can give me an answer that I can't counter, well, all hail you and your DND.

The second thing I hate: when people keep on using the word "BUSY" when someone else uses the word "BUSY" and then all of your YM Friends start using the word "BUSY" just for the heck of it.

Third, quotations. If you wanna quote somebody just for the kinks of it, then make sure the quotation has an impact, a striking X-factor that can make jaws drop. If your quotation is incapable of doing so, then, MAKE IT do so.

Well, those are just my opinions - blunt, straightforward and frank. (As always.)

After all...

Catherine Tan (Status Message):
*State: Full of opinions - strong ones. Mood: Intense. Mode: Aggressive. Mantra: The world is so full of pretense.*

The ABC's of Life

And now I shall venture into teaching.

But before that, I shall give you a list of vocabulary words... make sure you understand them thoroughly, know them by heart, and apply them appropriately.

Voc. List # 1

1. responsibility - when I say something, I make it a point that I live up to it.

Example Sentence: Her damned friends failed to fulfill their responsibility to show up for a group meeting that should have had taken place last Wednesday.

2. friend - someone I can talk to anywhere, anyhow, anytime.

Example Sentence: She has very few friends because many of her old friends weren't friends at all.

Another Example Sentence: She doesn't want a "best friend", a "close friend" or a "best friend forever" - she just wants someone she can call a friend sans the quotation marks.

3. emo - someone who hates the world and is proud during that process

Example Sentence: All of her friends are emo.

4. friendless - someone whose friends resolved to abandonment

Example Sentence: She used to feel loved by her "close friends", but now feels friendless.

5. immaturity - "I am stupid and I don't know anything about the real world"

Example Sentence: Her friends succumb to immaturity and therefore she became friendless.

6. friendship - the most overrated abstract thing in the universe

Example Sentence: Her life is ruined by friendship.

7. frankness - what the world needs to be perfect; to accept the truth and to be the truth

Example Sentence: Her friends rejected any form of frankness.

8. listen - the ability to lend one's ears wholeheartedly to someone who is in the process of self-expression

Example Sentence: One thing her friends failed to do is to listen.

9. stupidity - the inability to think like a morally and emotionally intellectual human being.

Example Sentence: Her friends may be academically inclined, but if there's one thing they're really, really good at, it's stupidity.

10. smart - someone who knows life outside the Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Geometry/Trigonometry/ Chinese History/Chinese Literature books

Example Sentence: She has only one smart friend.

11. superficiality - "Look at me, I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm fashionable, I'm perfect. I'm just like one of those girls you see on 'Girls Gone Wild'"; "Look at me, I watch TV shows all day and that's the only thing I care about - minus, of course, my perfect looks."; "I'm a party girl, in a party world."

Example Sentence: If there's one thing she doesn't want her friends to go into, it's superficiality (but sadly, it's too late).

12. human being - a creature that, in general, sees, thinks and feels the real side of things.

Example Sentence: Are her friends human beings?

YKWYA (You Know Who You Are)

My angst is more intense than the dire problems of the country. This is angst overridden. This is angst exposed - without fins, scales, skins or masks. This is MY angst. And I'll bequeath you with nothing, nothing at all except for this angst!

Did God intend his creations NOT to be made of the finest materials - not of marble, not of bronze, not of gold - BUT of the most rotten foibles? I doubt so for I highly respect God.

Do you intend to expunge superficiality - not propriety? I am questioning your choices. After all, you know what they say - it's your choices that show you who you are, far more than your abilities.

Dearest Friends,

I wanted to tell you a thousand things - a thousand things worth-knowing. Positive ones! Negative ones! But did you deign to listen? No. You said you didn't want to. It implied that you didn't want to get hurt. The problem is, I wasn't even trying to get you hurt in the first place. Even if I did, the positive after-effect would be: your strength not mine.

I've been a friend of yours for a long time now! Listening is the only gift I wanted you to present to me! It was the only gift I wanted - the gift I longed for as a kid, the gift I yearned to unwrap during Christmas or any given Sunday. But it was the one gift that you couldn't give me. I've helped you with a lot of things. I've helped you with your inner psyche. And all I wanted was for you to listen. Just please, please listen. If it wouldn't be too materialistic of me to bask under the light of this non-existent gift... But you didn't give me this gift. Perhaps it was too expensive? Perhaps...?

Our inconsistencies have left a huge gap on my outlook towards you. I don't like you anymore. It may sound like the most hypocritical thing but really - I don't like you anymore. I don't want to be with you. Even if I'd want to be with you, it's because of old times' sake. I don't really need old times' sake with someone who was "not there" since the old times, right?

The worst part is, the opposite just happened. Instead of me hurting you, you hurt me. Now I'm trying to drown any forms of life with my music.

When you come back, oh, I don't know. Will I be gone? Will I partake in this mutilated friendship? Will I sink? What will happen?

Nothing happens unless we talk. Unless you give me that gift.

But right now I don't think I want to take it anymore.

Of Stage Moms, Irrational Fathers and Filial Piety Part 2

Here is a very sexist statement I just heard:

"Babae ka lang. Hindi mo kailangan ng mataas na pinag-aralan. Lalu na babae mas mataas ang pinag-aralan mas nakakainis, walang may gugustong lalaki, mas walang kuwenta."

What the fuck is that?

Well, do you wanna know where that STATEMENT came from? My father's mouth. His big fat mouth.

He didn't aim it at me. He aimed it at someone else. Of course, I happen to care and love that "someone else" so I guess he should just.... URRRGHHHH... See, this is the perfect epitome of a fucking broken family. Broken on the inside, complete on the outside. Broken family.

I wish parents would just stop screwing things up FOR ONCE. Can't they all spare us ONE NIGHT? A SILENT NIGHT IS ALL THAT I ASK FOR.

This shows why I'm so messed up on the whole.

What he said was so fucking discriminating.
FUCK!

I won't say anything more... I'll bite my tongue - after all, that's what I've been doing all these years, right? Biting my tongue about my family because of fear that they may know what I think about them? Yes, false pretense in terms of family. False pretense. They've been living a lie!!!! Living with the truth hurts, but living a lie is not living at all.

This time, you be the judge.

Fantasy

Every night I dream of you,
Every day - I lose a breath or two.
Because your sober thoughts make me quiver
That magic makes me feel loved forever.
I know that you are miles away
And I can't even call during the day
I'm a fool, I lack strength to dial your number
Because you're the only one who makes me wonder
If my future is void, if my future is flowing
With your love, your joy, your longing
To you this may sound like a juvenile poem
That comes from a writer that's supposed to be honed
To you this may sound like the most fickle of art
But this simple thing beats from the bottom of my heart
I wrote love poems about no one in particular
When I was a kid, I mixed words and played with them in the dark
Yet this is such an overwhelming feeling,
One that I cannot describe without thinking.
I've never been in love with anybody else
Brain says this is stupid since I don't know you that well
So why does this feeling take over my veins?
Why do I love you, the night the day?
Puppy love, my common sense states
So why do I see you in my ensuing fate?
You are there, and we laugh
You make me change, and I adapt.
With every gust of the wind I feel you near
This is true love, my prince is here.
Why else would I be writing numerous words
If this feeling is nothing, just curd?
In my flight of fancy, you keep on enticing me
Somehow, if I reach out and so do you, it will be reality
I long for a slight touch, a strong hand to hold
Robust, fragments of you and I begin to unfold
How many times must I utter in my night visions -
That "I love you" is my strongest inhibition?
That "I love you too" will elevate our intuition?
That an assurance, even just a glance
Can melt me, and make my sentiments fire a dance
I love you
I know you,
You love me too.

If I Were Queen of the World...

I'd


Make


It


Perfect.



I'd


Build


Utopia.


I'd


Care


About


All


of


You.

Random!

Goodness. I just read the post I just typed.

I sound like a little drama queen!! An even worse one compared to (oh gasp, here we go again) HEIDI MONTAG!

I would love to stress out: My iTunes is playing Mariah Carey's "Circles" and there's this blunt, flash of realization: every time I hear it, it brings out the "sickness" in me - it makes me dizzy. But my fingers can't find the mouse and shut it off (maybe because I am typing this).

In other Mariah news (this is silly): A guy faced a DUI crazy charge because he hurled a beer bottle at someone driving's face because the driving face guy was playing some Mariah in his car stereo.

Hollywood is cracked up. That's why we complete each other perfectly.

Meanwhile, (this ain't Mariah) does anyone know if the leading girl in this Craig David vid is Kim Kardashian?

What a Life, What a Friend, What a Year, What the Heck?

"Levemente cada vez que el viento sopla te respiro"

I don't speak fluent Spanish but I know what that Spanish line means (it means "lightly, every time the wind blows, I breathe you" - I breathe myself. I need to) ; and I consequently breathe that into myself for reasons I care not to elaborate.

It's 10: 12 PM in my clock (it's either late or in advance, not exactly the right time) and the night breeze does me nothing but make me feel uneasy. Particularly because of medical reasons - I'm scared and I honestly have no idea when this feeling would go away. This time, it's not because of that "sickness" I used to mention. I just worry too much. One small stone falls out of place and I turn the prob into a hard rock. This is bad. This is anxiety. I'm not even supposed to be using the Net right now but I lust for time to reflect.

I feel like something's so wrong. I feel like something's gonna fall apart soon. Or maybe it's because of this stupid medical thing. Screw health. Screw it, damn. I remember particularly telling myself to lay off caring for my HEALTH. Yet now. Oh now. I do the opposite. I think I'm supposed to be doing something else right now. Worrying is waste. Worrying makes haste. Worrying sucks! I really don't need this right now. Just please let this go away.

I don't want drama.

Breathe. "Levemente cada vez que el viento sopla te respiro."

Let's change topics.

Let's talk about what I love to talk about here in my blog: my life. (*insert Gossip Girl's voice tone here*) Fictional Autobiography where everything might be fact and anything might be fiction.

Dramarama - it was supposed to be this movie that LL was supposed to film and produce but when she ditched the whole Teen Queen gig, it was ditched. Now, I'm sayin', if you make my life a movie that would be it. Drama would be it. What I learned from Lindsay is this: The actress makes the drama. I make my own drama. In fact, I have a whole factory producing coats, hats and all sorts of chains made purely of Golden Drama. So I got into this Summer Class thing - I care not elaborate - and in the midst of it, there, laying like a Golden Buddha, Drama just poofed, voila-ed, and showed itself like a camouflaged snake. Some friend you are. Yes, a friend. Our friendship won't last. It's teetering on its wheel now. Uggh. I'm talking about my imaginary friend (*insert sarcastic voice*) who does nothing but change for the worse. Some friendships just don't last. Just look at LC and Heidi (eww) Montag. They weren't even the best of friends...

But I believe that some best friends are forever. When luck just chases you both away and Destiny brings you guys as friends again...

This isn't just the right thing. We fall apart even though we don't want to fall apart - from each other. Even though we still wanna be friends (I'm talking about my imaginary friend here, not the best friend). What does that say about our friendship?

Somehow, I don't want to answer that. You and I both know that this ain't gonna work. Destiny doesn't want it to happen. But I could say that we both tried.

Let's see what happens next summer - when we see each other again.

Change topics again.

This school year is gonna be full of "I Don'ts and I'm Nots"

1. I don't want drama
2. I'm not gonna cry and shed a single tear over something stupid and trifle (like a love story)
   
3. I'm not takin' much responsibilities - it's time to be...
4. I'm not gonna abuse technology and sleep with it (look what happened to me - cue sickness - w/in a span of 10 months)
5. I'm not gonna be able to (oh gasp) listen to my iPod for an hour anymore (cue stupid sickness)
6. I don't want sleepless nights anymore even though my system clock doesn't stop ticking - which means I'm insomniac
7. I'm not gonna flunk a freaking math test anymore - this I swear with heart, blood, head and paw
8. I'm not gonna waste time playing - time to really grow up

Before I sign off and say "xoxo, you know you love me..." I need to say this: someone's already writing MY fictional autobiography. Watch for it. In shelves sometime in 2015.

No Name Face

It's simple, plain and a piece of cake.

Even though I have turned into a different color this summer, even though I still spend time with my closest friends and have fun with them in that pursuit, even though I have gained nice, new summer friends, even though I'm a mathematical genius once again since my brain wanted it back, even though I try my best to get an A+ on this subject called "being human", even though I feel fulfilled now, something just goes wrong.

S0mething is going wrong currently in my system.

This something is something I haven't felt for the past year.

This something is a little bit on the verge of scarring my mind.

This something is pulling too much pranks and mind games on my day-to-day life. And I am a hundred percent sure that it would seep through the school year - which, if you ask me, is a bad thing.

This something is a little thing called jealousy.

I have the power to be jealous, and I am in the right vantage point to get jealous.

It's not even envy. It's just jealousy.

What am I supposed to do? JEALOUSY is something you cannot let your soul control, it's like a reflex. And how do you douse reflexes, huh? By throwing reflexes back? To make this person jealous? This person doesn't even know how to get jealous, dammit! Is he/she/it doing it on purpose? Seriously?

There has to be some way! I mean I'm at wits end here, sitting here, typing this damned message when I KNOW for a fact that while everything here is killing me, everything that's killing me is making him/her/it alive. WHY?

Why does this kind of thing happen to me?

Am I supposed to just sit here and watch ANTM to make all the jealousy go away?

Am I supposed to ignore this kind of thing and start memorizing the value of Pi? Am I supposed to turn my head and start going to the gym to neutralize this kind of feeling?Am I supposed to pull a Lindsay Lohan and start focusing on my "career" instead of my party life - or whatever "life" this person is in? Am I supposed to ignore it? I know for a fact that ignoring an emotion, a feeling, a thought is like provoking it. Down with the torpedoes, full speed ahead. And that's where this feeling is going - full spead ahead.

To hell with this emotion. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Dammit.

Can I just refuse to acknowledge this feeling? It's a Monday, after all. A Monday that isn't even rainy enough to shatter my shield. My invisible shield. Whatever that may be.

Am I supposed to sit here, just like that? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THIS? I'm not even insecure anymore! Just jealous. Really. Just, just jealous...that destiny didn't provide me the right place, right time, right feeling that is meant to be pursued.

Now I'm stuck here listening to something called "Broken" by Lifehouse.

Requiem for a Dream

This is the interlude to cynicism.

Or, dear friends, must I say that this is the postscript to my dead hopes, dreams and delusions to the dark side? The side where, I, of all beings, succumbed to DEATH himself.

You may all have noticed a slight upturn in my style, my gait or my words. But do you see a familiar silhouette behind THESE lines. Yes, the lines you are currently reading? Do you see the "old me" somewhere here? The "me" that you hated, despaired and ... mocked? DO YOU?

Well, I do hope so. Because I see her clearly now.

I threw her away.

I got a new "me".

I threw that "me" away.

I got a new one again this summer. But this "new one" is actually a mixture of the above mentioned two. Minus the transparent sins, flaws, faults, and most of all insecurities. Plus the more innocent, more well-behaved, less procrastinating epitome of a true artist. An artist who is in touch with both reality and fantasy. The former was one I used to blend with the latter.

What I'm basically trying to say is that: If you wanna get to know me, which is a Draconian task, don't judge me from my past. The posts before this post were written by the hateful, dark "me".

Whatever.

In short, I'm an artist and an activist-psychologist at the same time. My sole mission is to help people. Summer is actually the only time I get to help myself. So bear with me, please! I'm also trying to expand my social empire, so, again, bear with me. Puh-leez!

I don't think we're talking about change anymore. Change is change. Change is different.

Now what I'm trying to do is not change. In fact, I'm trying to tell the world that I've changed - that people do change despite what my "fat" sister stated a year ago (she said: "People don't change. They only wear masks.").

I'm proud of myself. I'm my linguistic ego again!

'Tis my postscript:

Goodbye dead dreams, dead hopes, dead fate. With this day, you all will sink in the Waters of Lethe - the favorite place of mine as a kid.

Here I am feasting on a new golden platter - one that I created by myself, while my antediluvian ego mourns in requiem for my ill-disposed dreams.

This is the prelude to divine intervention.

Sweetest Sin = Most Bitter Punishment

Remember: Approximately 16 days from now (minus the exam week and minus the Saturdays), it all ends. Like, poof! After that ending comes another beginning. I don't know what I'm really afraid of: detaching too early or leaving for good. That translates to: missing my classmates when summer needs its warm welcome; or being out of Math class forever. There is literally no returning when you leave. (Figuratively, there is.)

There's a glassful of things I just cannot find answers for. Not at this moment.

And I know, I know. You think this is just some no-big-deal non-sense right? You think WE are overreacting? You think we are exaggerating? You think we're implying death here? Well, I could only say that a young horse would never know how grass tastes like if he doesn't immerse itself in it. I mean people won't know what it's like to be here if they don't stay and live.

And... I may be smart when it comes to stuff about life. I may be intellectual in analyzing people, or Psychology as my friends say... I may be getting better in Anatomy (Yeah, Bio). I may even be a real-live genius when it comes to changing people's lives..but I'm no highbrow when it comes to Math. And for that, I am punished. I don't see a reason, though. Being separated from the people you love and limiting boundaries you need to cross is ten million levels higher than not achieving something that destiny and time wanted you not to reach.

Yeah, all I could do is remember.

Summer

Summer. Summer. Summer. I’d be an airhead stupe if I yell around here screaming: I REALLY CAN’T WAIT!!! But I’d be less than enthusiastic if I just mutter around here: Summer is fun.

So I guess I’m stuck with this to prove that I love summer.

If Summer 2005 was “developing year”….where I:

1. Met Gemma and Pauline
2. Attended heaps of workshops
3. Attended Music lessons
4. Immensely had fun.

If Summer 2006 was "fun summer" ...

1. Only summer I was relaxed
2. Few months before I was to transfer to CKSC
3. Graduation Day! (Memorable moment: I broke Dad's laptop one day before Grad Day!)
4. Calligraphy Lessons (Don't ask.)

If summer 2007 was "reinventing stage"...

1. The hardest summer by far...
2. My very own 3-step program towards LIFE: Accept. Change. Move On.
3. Novel : )
   
4. "Antivirus"
5. Hibernation
6. NO Workshops to attend
7. Reflecting on self
8. Changing
9. Blogging
10. Movin' Forward
11. LL's relapses

Then Summer 2008 is going to be "the best ever".

MISS-ery

About 28 days (weekdays) from now, everything is going to change once more. Here we go again with my three-step program called: Accept. Change. Move on. Whatta week. Or shall I say, whatta school year? I was wrong back then - back in the first months of this school year. I said that sophomore year is and will be the worst. But that was just a feeling, an expression that I needed to express before I burst - definitely not a thought or a conclusion. Nothing I write in this blog is confirmed anyway that's why it's called Fictional Autobiography. But I guess you know that by now.

I don't know how to stay in touch during summers. But who really cares? Every thing's gonna change anyway, right? I don't know. I told you, I don't know what to think.

But, gawd, this school year's the best. I learned so many things from the smartest people I know and also from the "least" competent people I know (ouch! Hey, no offense please. That was a hyperbole). "People" and "Events" made this school year productive.

I learned so much, let me reiterate that. SO MUCH. I also grew up so much. I learned how to control my stupid heart. I learned how to control my big fat mouth. I learned how to psychoanalyze the word "how". I learned everything and much more.

That's why I'm gonna miss this school year so much. SO MUCH.

My heart is currently literally pulsating itself out. I don't know why I feel so nervous writing a post like this.

And here's my Miss List:

(Don't worry, it's not arranged in any particular order. Just random.)

I'm gonna miss calling Stephanie Garcia "sexy".

I'm gonna miss chatting with friends 'til 3 AM while balancing homework on the other hand.

I'm gonna miss Ms. Reginio's light-heartedness (I realize Filipino teachers REALLY ARE confidence-builders. Just like Ma'am Gabiane last year.)

I'm gonna miss having Filipino as a favorite subject (you never know, I might rekindle my love for English again next year)

I'm gonna miss Denise from my Chinese classes because she's gonna be graduating after said 28 days. SIGGGHHH!!!!

I'm gonna miss Guild meetings with Mr. Delos Reyes (Gosh. The Guild is something I feel so attached to. SO ATTACHED to. I cannot detach from it right away, I might die! And therefore I can say that: I love the guild. And once I love something, I won't be able to move on from it until some massive thing happens. SHOOT me.)

I'm gonna miss Miss Estacio's errr moodiness.

I'm gonna miss Mrs. Villaron so much more.

I'm gonna miss Snow White.

I'm gonna miss my "barkada" in Section A in Chinese.

I'm gonna miss hunting and chasing Mr. Someone with Cha, Camille and Bea.

I'm gonna miss Cha calling me "terror".

I'm gonna miss calling Cha ...uhmm...names that I rather not mention here.

I'm gonna miss asking for Kevin's technologically related advice nearly once a month. Talk about technological therapy.

I'm gonna miss laughing with II-5.

I'm gonna miss Mr. Blue the notebook.

I'm gonna miss not sleeping because of writing for articles for The Quest.

I'm gonna miss staying up late.

I'm gonna miss (oh gawd, an emo song is playing as I write this. That emo song will make me sappy..Eek don't let me cry! Damn tears) crying in school.

I'm gonna miss The Guild - how many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss the Seniors who have purposefully attached themselves to my life. I will never forget you, people!

I'm gonna miss my 3 stalkers: An old lady, a weird teenager and a kindergarten pupil. Go on, laugh!

I'm gonna miss hanging out in Ersao.

I'm gonna miss teasing Camille to someone she hates.

I'm gonna miss getting to know everyone.

I'm gonna miss Aileen even more. Crap.

I'm gonna miss "picnics" with Cha, Camille and Stephanie (Section A classmates again!)

I'm gonna miss therapy sessions with Jasmine and Eunice.

I'm gonna miss Bea's care-taking antics.

I'm gonna miss Snow White! Boo hoo! Her subject's the only subject I get 99's in. Hahaha. Gotta love Chinese History.

I'm gonna miss stalking.

I'm gonna miss self-actualizing.

I'm gonna miss Statistics.

I'm gonna miss Biology.

I'm gonna miss Elizableggtch (STAYING ALIVE, people!)

I'm gonna miss Rachelle even more.

I'm gonna miss the study periods.

I'm gonna miss the "Friendship Bond" that I used to teach my classmates during study periods.

I'm gonna miss teaching Andrew "limits". And his appreciation for my teaching it to him.

I'm gonna miss my Saturday sessions.

I'm gonna miss The Guild. Shoot. How many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss missing ANTM.

I'm gonna miss hating the world.

I'm gonna miss lingering around the faculty few minutes after Chinese dismissal.

I'm gonna miss writing posts for this blog...

...this isn't the end of my Miss List. There are still millions of stuff to pierce into that list. Just you wait. I need to cut this short now. But heck, wait for the others before this emo song kills me.

This is Why I Love School So Much

And this is why I love school so much…

Note: I take it back. The previous post isn’t the last post for the year. Actually, I’m kind of guilty that THIS is the last post of the year. It’s a negative post. Negative for my family, positive for ME and my SCHOOL. I wonder why CKSC students hate their school ‘cause I love it.

This was written out of anger conceived from my so-called home. Yes, people. SO-CALLED. Sorry, people I am not martyr enough to pretend that I’m happy in this. In fact, I think only a few people could relate to me in this post. Perhaps, Arianne, Aldric and Kenny only?

10. I get to be with the people I come to love (more than anything else other than LL) and rarely come to hate. MY FRIENDS. MY CLASSMATES. MY TEACHERS.
MY SCHOOLMATES.
They would never reprimand me even if I do something stupid. 'Sides, it's not my fauly I'm NOT a dupe. Apparently my mind matured faster than they thought it would. They don't really like kids who have opinions. Maybe they should go adopt Hilary Duff. (Btw, even Paris Hilton has a brain more opinionated than Duff's)

9. There is freedom to laugh and sing and act and express myself. Most especially to LAUGH. God, even coughing is prohibited in my SO-CALLED HOME.

There is freedom to voice out! You can recite anytime you want!

8. I am deprived of modern technology. Which is a good way of self-control. I mean, I’m not really good at self-control (is it obvious?) – I’m good with procrastination. But in school, I get to control myself.

7. I learn how to socialize.

6. I can be myself forever in school! I can talk about LL and Britney Spears’ friendship bond anytime! I can hate math without someone telling me to love it. I can flunk English on purpose because of rebelling reasons. I can enjoy Filipino immensely because, believe it or not, Ms. Reggie is my favorite teacher.

I could embarrass myself without feeling embarrassed because I know that my friends are there to support mo.

ALL OF THE ABOVE IS ME. ME ME ME ME ME – someone I couldn’t be when I am at home because I have to be damned prim and proper! WTH? ME? PRIM? PROPER? Opposite! That’s the opposite! Just because I’m the daughter of a freaking doctor? No thank you! I’d rather rebel!

5. I can continue writing blog posts. Or diary entries in school. People peek at my diary at home.

4. I could cry and people would ask me why.

That means they care. Unlike people out there.

3. I could win my debate arguments because I do make a point.

2. Music isn’t noise. My schoolmate’s loud talkativeness – that I usually hate especially if it’s Kennard blabbering – would be Music to my ears COMPARED to my father’s SO-CALLED “tenor” voice. It should be noted here that WE ARE not allowed to sing – he’s the only who has the permission.
My mother’s booming voice, too.

By the way, I have this hearing disorder called tinnitus and some (SOME! Judge the word) partial deafness. You REALLY cannot blame me for iPodding all day and all night. At least, that’s MUSIC.

1. They are the family I’ve always dreamed of. ALWAYS. I would feel loved NOT in a mushy mushy way! Ewww… MUSHY way love is only acceptable if it’s romance (with the opposite sex). It’s just a matter of feeling. You know these people love you back NOT in a mushy mushy way. In a friendly way. You know that the school itself loves you back.

End of List.

Don’t get me wrong, okay. It’s not that I HATE my family, dislike it or am unhappy with it. I never said anything like that. I just need an outlet for this. I don’t even know what this is. MY father is just so strict in wrong ways. It’s overprotectiveness na sobrang wala sa lugar. There – I spoke in Filipino. You know what that means right?

My Yuletide

The year is going to end in less than 500 hours. It sounds freaky, if you’re taking it all negatively – this year-ending phenomenon.

I suggest you shouldn’t because you really can feel the Christmas spirit in the air. At least, I always do. And it’s not because of the gifts. It’s all about the memories.

And hopefully, the memories I have left marked in your skin, or heart, or head would soon never vanish – would soon stay until next Christmas.

‘Cause all ends are beginnings – you already know that!

BUT wait. This post doesn’t end there.

In fact, even though that may seem like the “ending”, it’s only just the beginning (yeah, you already know that!).

It’s been 5 years (4 or 6?!) since I last mailed dear Santa Claus a letter asking for my very materialistic wishes but that doesn’t mean I don’t have wishes this year. They’re just not that materialistic anymore. Or in any way superficial. Because my Christmas wish list this year would be: happiness. Not for me, because my happiness is already granted. But for others. Like my family, my friends, EVERYONE, and even Santa himself.

I want them to feel the happiness that springs into my heart and leaps into my blood as if the body’s just a flowing river waiting for thirst to subside eternally – forever and ever.

I want YOU to feel the blessedness of the season the same way I felt it. It’s the happiest Christmas of my life, for goodness’ sake!

I want them to feel as MUCH if not MORE.

Because it feels like….life. It’s like all your burdens, problems and complications leave your body – leaving a healthy, overjoyed being that aims to spread joy.

And I know, deep down, I know that I made some despondent people happy – in one way or the other (oh, you know who you are and I know you’re admitting that too!). That’s what makes me happy.

Just this Christmas – and for the New Year, or forever.

I also want to thank EVERYONE who played a part in my obnoxious, complex life because it is clear to me that everyone taught me something – even the littlest of details (if only puwede kong isa-isahin ginawa ko na). THANKS to EVERYONE – especially to my family and friends!

Thanks to CKSC, too for teaching me things that life could no better beyond teach me how to. I am so glad what with all the turning points of events.

For one, I know that those “events” would lead me into the path of life that destiny would bring me to. Knowing that makes me happy. Knowing that makes me fulfilled.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

May Santa grant my wish and yours as well. May you be blessed with a brighter light this season.

And remember, yuletide starts with ‘y’. And ‘y’ stands for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!