Reclusion, Thy Name is I

I feel like one of those old, sick, dying book characters tormented writers write about.

I got the old feel in the pockets. My environment, it seems to me, is antique. Some of my "friends" have faded into the background of an old 50's movie that will presumably be forgettable. My previous "passions" (can't believe I just used the word in plural form) have dissolved into a new (old, actually) kind of impasse...one that I can't explain thoroughly because I don't understand much either. I feel like I just lived and excruciatingly survived 9 lifetimes.

And my birthday is fast-approaching.


So yeah, I feel old.



I am a human disease stick. My life energy is currently getting sucked up by random whirlpools that come in the forms of "friends", enemies and ... internal factors (like too much anxiety, paranoia and hypochondria). Literally, I AM a human disease stick. Today's just 4 days since my high fever bid adieu to my body...and I've already relapsed. Right now, I'm coughing. My throat feels as if a meter stick of a rose with bloody thorns had stuck to it. And there's an overall feeling of dizziness. Alas, my vertigo attacks!

And I feel like...puking which is as rare as Mowgli's syndrome. (Mowgli's syndrome is rare, right?)


So yeah, I feel sick.



I define life as an equilibrium of...things. Now that my social life has gone off the hook, I'm dead. Or at least, part of me is dead. Or maybe dying. Truth is, I don't really know. I've got heaps of problems again. I vow to anticipate the first few weeks of January from now on. Something tragic always happens weeks before my birthday. The weighing scales of my life have either burst because of obesity or anorexia. I know, I know. I could get sued for my choice of words. But getting sued is actually better than facing drama that my "friends" have bequeathed me (let's just substitute the word "bequeathed" with the word "BETRAYED" - all caps) with. How big of a fool am I, anyway? I've had let these "friends" betray me before and I've done so AGAIN. I should be awarded for this!

And this is the part where I hate them all for being so defensive for something wrong they did. They should be condemned for doing this to me. I should be hanged for being the most used person in the planet.


So yeah, I feel like I'm dying.



I always tell people: "I have a life!" ...which translates to: My life is near bliss because it's packed with a social life, a family life, a spiritual life, a career (life), a whatever life... you name it, I'm too old, sick, and dying to type.


...but I guess, sometimes, it's actually a plus to not have a life.


Still...


I HAVE A LIFE!

Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)

Mark their words: Nemo me impune lacessit "No one harms me with impunity." Yes, that's The Cask of Amontillado to you.

Never have I ever found myself thinking about vengeance...vendetta... revenge...I'd always thought that anyone's (given that he did wrong) conscience would avenge the victim.

But sometimes, revenge gets to you in the weirdest way possible.

Are there two kinds of revenge: good and bad revenge?

Is doing the right thing revenge?

Is it revenge when it's justifiable (logically and rationally speaking)?

Is it still revenge when you're doing "it" to protect someone, say, future successors?

I don't know.

But, seriously, who knows?

These things are beyond dictionary's definition. Moreover, these things are beyond juvenile experiences.

But, readers, if you hear something in the near future that relates to ME, the thought of revenge, the thought of righteousness and morality (like a scandal), refer back to this little post.

The scandal's gonna explode like a tiny bomb. Let's just wait and see.






Only time will tell.

RESPECT ISN'T A FUCKING 4-LETTER WORD THAT IS OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "FEAR".

Fuck You and Your Pride

I suggest you read these three posts first before proceeding to read THIS: click here, here and here.

All three of 'em are directed to someone I called: "Miss Emo". And I bet 90% of my readers out there know who she is if I would say her name here out loud - she's a Shekian.

The three posts were written in (obvious) anger months and months and months ago (seems like years to me, actually) but things haven't changed. It's not that I don't do a single kilogram of effort ever, it's just that Miss Emo and I just don't "click".

So now, we're in an impasse.

In the meantime, Miss Emo the 2nd is sprouting. And I won't call her "Miss Emo". She's a lot older, kasi eh. I dub "Miss Emo the 2nd" to be: "Queen of All Emos". Iyan. She deserves it.

What she doesn't deserve at all is what she has right now: credit, "honor", "nobility".

Why doesn't she deserve that?

She's a fucking hater.

Ode to the Queen:

Is that what people call "responsibility" nowadays? Presiding by means of power and executing the tyranny of false virtues? Responsible na ba ngayon ang pag-iiwan ng tasks and duty lying on the fucking floor, waiting for the dustbunnies to fucking eat 'em to death?

"Thoughtful" na ba ang paggawa ng isang bagay na MUKHANG bukal sa puso...but deep inside kumukulo ang dugo mo sa paggawa non?

Is doing THAT to your grandmother "respect"? You told me once that you had a menacingly strong aversion towards your grandmother. You told me once that this grandmother did wrong things. You told me once that this grandmother has made a lot of mistakes. Ask yourself this before I put your brain into the oven: To whom did she do the wrong things to? To whom were the mistakes attributed to? Sa iyo ba? Ganyan na ba ang respect ngayon? Binabastos mo siya eh. Sure, she has made a lot of mistakes. Sure, she's done a lot of wrong things. But she did those "things" as a PERSON not as a GRANDMOTHER. Right now, you're treating her as a PERSON, not as YOUR GRANDMOTHER. Your grandmother needs to be respected - like it or not.

People make mistakes. And just because those mistakes don't make the path to YOUR journey CLEARER doesn't mean you should curse them to hell.

I see you're jealous of me. Lantad na. Hindi na kailangang itago. It's forever etched in my memory - but that doesn't mean I won't forgive you. Even though I saw the intense emotions you channeled that day - the day when material possessions grabbed a GOOD hold of you. Sabi mo pa nga (this I will never forget): "IKAW! HA! Kahit nagrerebelde ka nakukuha mo lahat ng gusto mo!"

That was so random. That was so sudden. Hindi mo machachannel ang isang bagay na ganoon ka-intense kung wala kang pinagkuhanan niyan. Hindi ka makagagawa ng intense emotion like that within just a blink of your fugly eyes. Kaya. You know what that means? That means despite ALL the trust I'd given you, you'd been boiling wrath, irate bubbles inside your arterial chambers.

Ang trust kapag nawala, mahirap nang ibalik.

Bakit ayaw mo akong pabayaan? Bakit laging pinakekelaman mo yaong downfall ko? You're like one of those media-mongers. Like a paparazzo. Waiting for people to fall flat on their faces to get a good snapshot which in turn will wind up all around the globe. But no, yours isn't the globe. Yours is your heart. In short, bawat pagkakamali ng tao, sinu-scrutinize mo sa puso mo. Masama yan. Hindi yan healthy. Sino ka? Si Poodle? Papatayin ka ng insecurities mo sooner or later.

You can't find well-being from a person's mistakes. That, my friends, is why the world is at par with hell.

Nahulog mo gamit ko. I said: "FUCK!" Obvious namang pinaghirapan ko yung ginagawa kong cut-outs di ba?

Wala ka man lang sorry?

Ah, "sorry". I remember, you've never said a sincere "sorry" to anyone else in this universe.

Remember your best friend? Didn't he say sorry? What did you say in return?

Wala.

Pride.

Pride mo.

Fuck you and your pride.

Why are you so fucking mad at the world anyway? You're JUST like Miss Emo but on a slighlty different angle. When I told you about Miss Emo, you were all: "Ang irrational nya." So are you.

When your mom said (in a reprimanding, serious, mad voice): "May topak ka ata ah!"

Queen: "May topak talaga ako!"

So why aren't you changing it?

You see your fault right THERE. Do you change it? No. You sit on your arse and wait for the world to turn its axis. You're hoping... for the world to COVER and BURY your mistakes, flaws and faults.

That's not gonna happen. Never. Ever.

You are the most irrational person I've ever met. You think you're otherwise. You think you're perfect.


Masyadong mataas yang pride mo. Hindi ko ma-reach.

Why do you hate the world so much? If you give me a GREAT answer to that, I will never bug you again.

Definitely, it's not because you grew up in a dysfunctional family. I grew up in a dysfunctional family my own but I don't hate the world.

Hindi rin ako KJ.

Hindi ko rin binabastos ang sister ko. I don't treat her like shit the way you do.

I never talk crap about her behind my back. I'm no nark. But you?

Puro na lang side comments!

Is that the rational way to behave?

I hate the ones like you. Yaong mga pakealamera. Before you go bitching on someone else's life, world, physical looks, intellectual capactiy, emotional status, soul, spirit, personality, attitude,characteristics and VALUES, look at yourself in the mirror.

You might even see a reflection that isn't as wretched as the Devil's face... You might see something a tad bit more revolting. Your pride.

The Bitch on the Bus: GoG Cat Fight

Just got home from the field trip. Tiring day...etc...etc. Will not focus on field trip. Will focus on the pissed-off field trip.

You see, when we got stranded on the bus, I started expressing my opinions to my classmates in the usual Catherine Way. If you do not know the "Catherine Way", well, just think of it as: aggressive, frank and straightforward (and not to mention very very very frank BUT not in a tactless way). Opinions about what, you ask? Well, opinions about how two people bond through what they HATE, not through what they LIKE. Obviously, I mentioned examples. I was all: "So if you hate stupid people, you have a mutual bond right there."

(Prior to that incident, some of our BUS MATES (will not say WHICH section) were whining, complaining, bitching and mewling over some random, trifle stuff. - that people at the front were not moving. This obviously ignited my dang neurotic nature so I guess you know where I extracted that Catherine Way.)

I blabbed on about the whole psychological research on HATE thingy until basically we started going down the dang stairs.

But all throughout the WHOLE thing, I had glimpses of this super small girl with shoulder-length hair. This girl was staring at me. And so I blabbed more because I know that her eyes contained judgment, and her eyes were scanning me from head to toe. - another tseture that suggestsed judgment. Besides, since Sophomore Year, I've been seeing this girl stare at me as if I'm: a.) a freakshow b.) Miley Cyrus c.) all of the above. Damn her. So I didn't give a damn - why the hell she did stare, I heck had no idea.

I was about to glare at her when I lunged at myself, grabbed myself by the neck and turned away. No glaring, Catherine. No catfights. No bitchiness on the bus.

But then she started whispering to her MORE glamorous friend. Obviously, the friend looked at me the same way you'd look at a barbarian. The same way you'd look at an outsider who is thrashing and trashing your friend.

I knew why and what she whispered - I heard, heck. (Bitch on the Bus doesn't know how to tone down her voice.)

She whispered that I was bitching on their section. Perhaps because their section was the one WHINING, COMPLAINING, BITCHING and MEWLING over some trifle stuff and at that time I was proclaiming my new HATE theories and just so happened, I mentioned the word "stupid". SO basically she thinks/thought/still is thinking that I am/was/still is bashing her section by calling 'em stupid!

Dang her. Bitch on the Bus ruined MY happy field trip.

And so she passed this judgment to the world.

You know if I were judgmental, I'd probably say - this girl is stupid, fugly, social climbing, slutty, short and ... have I mentioned FUGLY?

If I were tactless and uber mean, I'd probably say - "Hey, bitch, before you pass on judgment to others, look at yourself. What do you see? Besides, I demand a debate. A debate between you and me. And let's see who wins. Equipped with that brain of yours, I don't think you even know how to comprehend what it is that I say right now. Do you even understand English? Oh. Wait. My bad. I remember now - there's no such thing as stupid vs. smart. Simply incomparable. Go fug yourself and die." When I say stupid, I don't mean academically stupid. I don't mean mentall stupid either. When I say stupid, I MEAN STUPID as in "passing judgment", "jumping to conclusions" and simply "emotionally unhinged." When I say smart, I mean THOSE WHO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.

If I basked on pride and pride alone, I'd probably scream (to the world): "I have a new principle. If you're stupid (stupid by way of the definitions stated above), you have no right to correct smart people. You're simply a waste of our effing time."

BUT NO.

I guess I'm not THAT worse.

So, instead of all those, I sit on my arse here, typing my hatred away...

...and hopefully, those three "if I's" would not come true to life. For if they do... we'll see who the bitch is.

Realization and Strong Aversion: DRAMA

I was browsing through my blog archives because of hatred (Miss Emo), and I quietly stumbled upon this: http://basedonafictionalstory.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-life-what-friend-what-year-what.html . Suddenly, I feel amazed. What I said was right. To quote my own self: "I feel like something's so wrong. I feel like something's gonna fall apart soon." That was months ago. I should have listened to my OWN premonition. Crappy me. That's what happens when society and time force you to oppose your own gullible nature.

I really am perceptive!

Now, now. I won't be hasty. I won't feed ego.

I quote myself again: "I don't want drama."

Who does want drama? Nought one - especially me. I mean, I experienced inferno, purgatorio and paradiso all in ONE SCHOOL YEAR last year. So yes, I am in the position to abhor drama with every fiber of my being. So, instead of drama, I received "reality". Sometimes it's better dealing with reality than drama. Because, contrary to popular belief, reality is actually easier and a lot less complex than a terse, succint: "drama".

Drama is fake. And I hate fake.

Here is to quote myself again:

"This school year is gonna be full of "I Don'ts and I'm Nots"

1. I don't want drama
2. I'm not gonna cry and shed a single tear over something stupid and trifle (like a love story)
   
3. I'm not takin' much responsibilities - it's time to be...
4. I'm not gonna abuse technology and sleep with it (look what happened to me - cue sickness - w/in a span of 10 months)
5. I'm not gonna be able to (oh gasp) listen to my iPod for an hour anymore (cue stupid sickness)
6. I don't want sleepless nights anymore even though my system clock doesn't stop ticking - which means I'm insomniac
7. I'm not gonna flunk a freaking math test anymore - this I swear with heart, blood, head and paw
8. I'm not gonna waste time playing - time to really grow up"

I said it myself. Even though that's like three months ago or so. Look at number 2: I told myself I won't shed a tear. Oh, so true. I haven't shed a tear nor will I do so this year. Not over some stupid thing, at least. Btw, I violated number 5. Oh, and number 7 works real great. I was the only one who perfected a math test in my class - math class. Yes, even beating the MTAP people. See? This is what happens when you make a list during the summer! Heavens! Sorry, I ain't bragging. Simply beaming because...well, you know how it works when you're in a cream section. Crema de la crema. Crap de la crap.

Basically, I hate a lot of things right now. I have a humongous heap of problems. So, you're asking, what's the difference - this year from last year?

The difference is: it's not drama anymore. It's REAL. Like, it stares at you. And, well, I don't love 5 anymore. I miss 1-5 badly. I was a bee back in 1-5 but people there were'nt bees, just a li'l immature. Unlike NOW.

I'm starting to rethink: maybe I should start being my old reclusive self again.

Or maybe that's a bad idea. I have the GUILD - my real love! I have Chinese Sec A and basically, I have a social empire - one that's not really going strong currently because of the Hyksos Dynasty (aka some people from 5 and some people from foreign lands).

Welll.....

Maybe I'm an asset.

Maybe I'm not.

Maybe you just lost me...

Maybe it's tough luck.

HmpF.

The more you make mistakes, the more you learn, the more truthful you are to human existence.

But what if, like in my definition of immaturity, you run from your problems - you run from these mistakes? Shield them with a weak shield that is created to last a quarter of a fragment of a lifetime only? What if your immaturity limits you to expressing how you really feel?

Immaturity is, after all, developed in the subconscious mind.

You disgust me. You purely disgust me. Whenever you come near, I feel like a polar magnet, one that negates your negativity. You disgust me.

Every moment you come near, I feel a sense of filth, of dirt. You are so dirty, I don't wanna go near you. You make me feel like you have SARS and when I come near you you will deliberately cause an epidemic of gigantic proportions.

You hide your darkness in a bubble of superficial lightness. You are so dang superficial to me.

Hmpf, plain, hardcore plastic.

You keep blaming the world, you keep hating it.

Has it ever occurred to you? The world does not revolve around you. Accept that. Deal with that. The world will not change for you. Besides, why should the world change for you? True, the world is a mess. But aren't you a bigger mess?

Why can you not control your emotions, your problems, your flaws FIRST before you trample with other people's businesses?

The fact that you cannot determine what your problems are is a proof that you aren't ready to deal with the problems that face the world you live in. Get your crap straight.

Why must the world kowtow to you, in the first place?

Who are you in the first place?

No one. Just a small negative, pessimistic voice amidst a rational, analytical, bright world.

Go fug yourself and die.

I've changed again. The world has changed again.

So what's the problem? Is it because you are left behind?


Hmpf. Don't expect me to come running to you and tell you what to do. I'm not that person. Find a piece of skin to leech on to. Not me.

Go fug yourself and die, disgusting creature.


Oh, PS. Since you wallow in selfish self-pity, you hate the world, right? Well, bad news, Miss Tough Luck, the world hates you back.

:) ^_^

Expect the unexpected, bitch.

FICTIONAL. Or Fact?

We used to be friends,

Now you live on the edge.

I used to tell you your stance,

Now you kill with a glance.


I hate you Miss Emo, I can't even force myself to continue that poem about you - just for you. I swear to God, I know for a fact that you can't control your emotions. I know for a fact that you just keep opening your mouth and never shutting it back. Shut your trap up. Well, at least, stop cursing. Swearing. Bad-mouthing other people.

You know my mantra? If you can't stand the heat, get out of the closet.


So go, get out of the damn closet. It's been two years already! Or maybe three! Yes, you've been hiding for three years. Time to come out.

Come out come out wherever you are!