I really wish I could say "enough of the drama". Or "I'm cutting out the drama". Or "my life is void of drama". But I really can't. It's like a genetic DISABILITY. Take note, DISABILITY, not INABILITY.
Sometimes, the drama's all in THE MIND.
I need a shrink for this one.
First of all, lemme describe an average day in my life. Today would be a good start. I go to school happy and all that since I rank 8 in my class, got the highest grade in blah blah blah (I do not wanna start bragging). I even shriek in the appropriate times. I even act like a normal person. But then comes 2nd period. I begin to worry. Worry about that oratorical competition thingy. Mrs. Ong had asked me to TIE MY HAIR IN A FULL PONYTAIL. Which is like a curse on my part because of my face shape (think FAT GIRL).
Of course, I laugh about those stuff. I laugh at myself you know. I'm not all high and mighty, contrary to pessimistic belief.
Now I begin to think about my worrying. WHY AM I EVEN WORRIED? I ask myself (2nd period). Just the thought of it makes my heart go gaga. Literally. It's:
They think I'm crying tears of joy.
It's true, the past week's been bliss.
I'm like "NO". I feel like barfing. But I don't add that since it will simply catalyze a barrage of questions - HATEABLE questions - "are you okay?", "wanna go to the comfort room?" or worse: "CAT, OKAY KA LANG??".
I feel as if my body is immobilized.
Because of that oratorical thingy. As I experience that bodily phenomenon, my mind wanders. If I don't win this oratorical audition/thingy/whatever/elimination round, it will be the end of my career as we know it. If I win this oratorical thingy, my anxiety will be down by (a measly) 5%. If I don't win this thing, I will kill myself since I fear failure. If I win this thing, I will be self-satisfied.
There's a billion more where that came from....
But in lieu of thinking about the billion, I subdue myself to the bodily phenomenon. I find it harder to breathe. My heart is beating too fast. I feel weak because of oxygen sufficiency. I feel immobilized by too much blood rush. My head is spinning because of those aforementioned questions. My back begins to hurt for reasons I am unaware of. My whole body system wants to shut down but my mind makes it stop. And... and...
I rehearse the speech inside my head.
Oh, and then this thought strikes me: OMG. When is Mrs. Ong going to rehearse with me? What time did she say again? 3rd period? NEXT PERIOD? When's the contest, in the first place? What period? I should've asked Caryl! Dammit, I do not want to lose to anyone! I wrote the piece they're going to memorize!
The bell rings.
I escape. But as I do so, I begin to feel my claustrophobia seething in. Shit.
Of all fears, why do I have to be claustrophobic?
Third period comes. Values. Role play. Thank God for ad lib! Although it was a success, the only thing on my mind all throughout was: where is Mrs. Ong?
Shit.
Then the same bodily phenomenon overcomes me the moment I sit. Only now, it's worsened by questions - MENTAL questions. I ask... (in my head)... what if he gets a higher score than me on next quarter's report card thingy? What if I begin to decline? What if I flunked that? What if I didn't deserve that perfect score? Shit. Where's Mrs. Ong? What am I supposed to do? The bell's about to ring and I'm still HERE. Good goddess, everyone's reading Tech! We have a quiz! I need to get a damned perfect score if I wanna compete with these people! But...but how could I study now when the words don't enter my mind? I can't comprehend a damned thing! Aack my eyes hurt!! Stupidity scratched it to redness last night! Crap. I feel sleepy NOW. Tech...tech...tech...
Those questions heighten the negative effect of said bodily phenomenon to me as a human being.
And the cycles get worse each time.
I manage to live off time during 4th period. But in fact, I was secretly rehearsing the piece back in my head. Elaine asks something. I'm pretty sure I say: "the problem is, I've never joined an oratorical contest before. I've always joined declamation contests. And my experience there is, like, *hand gestures that denote "vast"*. So ...." I shrug.
Deep inside, I want to curl up to bed.
5th period is a nightmare.
First, this guy (he who shall not be named because we're not really uber close friends) from 4-6 in a barong comes in my Tech class (we're in the Tech Lab) and asks for "Miss Catherine". I leave. I tie my hair. No prob. No biggie.
When I entered 4-6 (Mrs. Ong was there, wearing a yellow Filipiniana), Mam Ong uttered words I did not hear. I have ear problems. And I just stand there NODDING to something I can't even hear; second-guessing. AGAIN. Then I leave.
I wish to guess what she said right. As I understand it, I must to go back to take the Tech quiz first, then come back to her later. No idea on what "later" meant.
Blah blah blah. I took the test. And then all of a sudden, I find myself cursing at my monitor. For freaking shallow reasons. (It's kinda funny NOW). Mam Pablo probably heard this and thought I was cursing her (oh please no, Mam Pablo's like one of my fave teachers) so she said it's ok for me to go back to Mrs. Ong.
I freeze in my seat.
I don't wanna orate.
Nuh-uh.
Of course, that's the stupidest thing you could say to yourself. "I don't wanna orate."
God, Miss Pablo's just so nice, you know.
I head back. Only, in that process, I find another 4-6 guy, on his way to the Tech Lab to "fetch" me. And this sucks because I don't wanna seem all VIP to the world you know. I hate that kind of attention.
I spend an ENORMOUS amount of time fixing my hair AFTER THAT. I don't know. I have hair issues, okay?
Boy, do I love Mrs. Ong. I really, really do. I look up to her. Up UP.
I come to 4-6 8 minutes later to find no Mrs. Ong in front of the class. So I head for the faculty. Before I do that, my Guild comrade Pauline and the 4-6 guy come to stop me from doing that because it turns out Mrs. Ong was seated at the back. It was embarrassing since the 4-6 guy was like, "hey, over here" or something like that. He had this very weird smile on, and I felt like I was the shittiest, weirdest person in the universe. It freaking made me feel inferior. It wasn't HIS fault, of course. The guy's nice.
I speak in front - BUT BEFORE I DO, SOMETHING WEIRD SLIPS OUT OF MY MOUTH. I was all: "Can I ask a question first, is Lindsley the contestant for the oratorical?" Well, Linds and I know each other so it's okay since ... since she's Lindsley. And basically half, if not a quarter of the senior English section knows me. It wasn't at all embarrassing while I was standing there. It was only after the speech, after I said: "thank you" and "bye bye" to the class that I realized I was so stupid for having to ask that fucking question.
It has nothing to do with 4-6 or Mrs. Ong - in fact, those are two things (THINGS?) I respect and revere. It has something to do WITH ME. Why do I have to be so damned screwed in the first place? The good news was/is: I felt good. I think I actually aced it. The BEST NEWS IS: my written piece was chosen for the Infantado-Ylagan (service excellence of teachers for nation-building) oratorical competition!!!!!! Oh, and the real contest was postponed to Monday).
Icing on the cake, y'all. I'm still the best writer in town (ahem, delete all bragging undertones - better yet, delete the whole sentence since some Miss Emo might burst again).
The rest is history. But hah! Think again! The bodily phenomenon still fluttered on me up to Chinese.
And it forever will.
Now, answer this for me, why don't you: WHY DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
Sometimes, the drama's all in THE MIND.
I need a shrink for this one.
First of all, lemme describe an average day in my life. Today would be a good start. I go to school happy and all that since I rank 8 in my class, got the highest grade in blah blah blah (I do not wanna start bragging). I even shriek in the appropriate times. I even act like a normal person. But then comes 2nd period. I begin to worry. Worry about that oratorical competition thingy. Mrs. Ong had asked me to TIE MY HAIR IN A FULL PONYTAIL. Which is like a curse on my part because of my face shape (think FAT GIRL).
Of course, I laugh about those stuff. I laugh at myself you know. I'm not all high and mighty, contrary to pessimistic belief.
Now I begin to think about my worrying. WHY AM I EVEN WORRIED? I ask myself (2nd period). Just the thought of it makes my heart go gaga. Literally. It's:
- 55% excitement (to see the outcome)
- 15% adrenaline
- 20% fear (of losing)
- 10% anxiety (of all of the above)
They think I'm crying tears of joy.
It's true, the past week's been bliss.
I'm like "NO". I feel like barfing. But I don't add that since it will simply catalyze a barrage of questions - HATEABLE questions - "are you okay?", "wanna go to the comfort room?" or worse: "CAT, OKAY KA LANG??".
I feel as if my body is immobilized.
Because of that oratorical thingy. As I experience that bodily phenomenon, my mind wanders. If I don't win this oratorical audition/thingy/whatever/elimination round, it will be the end of my career as we know it. If I win this oratorical thingy, my anxiety will be down by (a measly) 5%. If I don't win this thing, I will kill myself since I fear failure. If I win this thing, I will be self-satisfied.
There's a billion more where that came from....
But in lieu of thinking about the billion, I subdue myself to the bodily phenomenon. I find it harder to breathe. My heart is beating too fast. I feel weak because of oxygen sufficiency. I feel immobilized by too much blood rush. My head is spinning because of those aforementioned questions. My back begins to hurt for reasons I am unaware of. My whole body system wants to shut down but my mind makes it stop. And... and...
I rehearse the speech inside my head.
Oh, and then this thought strikes me: OMG. When is Mrs. Ong going to rehearse with me? What time did she say again? 3rd period? NEXT PERIOD? When's the contest, in the first place? What period? I should've asked Caryl! Dammit, I do not want to lose to anyone! I wrote the piece they're going to memorize!
The bell rings.
I escape. But as I do so, I begin to feel my claustrophobia seething in. Shit.
Of all fears, why do I have to be claustrophobic?
Third period comes. Values. Role play. Thank God for ad lib! Although it was a success, the only thing on my mind all throughout was: where is Mrs. Ong?
Shit.
Then the same bodily phenomenon overcomes me the moment I sit. Only now, it's worsened by questions - MENTAL questions. I ask... (in my head)... what if he gets a higher score than me on next quarter's report card thingy? What if I begin to decline? What if I flunked that? What if I didn't deserve that perfect score? Shit. Where's Mrs. Ong? What am I supposed to do? The bell's about to ring and I'm still HERE. Good goddess, everyone's reading Tech! We have a quiz! I need to get a damned perfect score if I wanna compete with these people! But...but how could I study now when the words don't enter my mind? I can't comprehend a damned thing! Aack my eyes hurt!! Stupidity scratched it to redness last night! Crap. I feel sleepy NOW. Tech...tech...tech...
Those questions heighten the negative effect of said bodily phenomenon to me as a human being.
And the cycles get worse each time.
I manage to live off time during 4th period. But in fact, I was secretly rehearsing the piece back in my head. Elaine asks something. I'm pretty sure I say: "the problem is, I've never joined an oratorical contest before. I've always joined declamation contests. And my experience there is, like, *hand gestures that denote "vast"*. So ...." I shrug.
Deep inside, I want to curl up to bed.
5th period is a nightmare.
First, this guy (he who shall not be named because we're not really uber close friends) from 4-6 in a barong comes in my Tech class (we're in the Tech Lab) and asks for "Miss Catherine". I leave. I tie my hair. No prob. No biggie.
When I entered 4-6 (Mrs. Ong was there, wearing a yellow Filipiniana), Mam Ong uttered words I did not hear. I have ear problems. And I just stand there NODDING to something I can't even hear; second-guessing. AGAIN. Then I leave.
I wish to guess what she said right. As I understand it, I must to go back to take the Tech quiz first, then come back to her later. No idea on what "later" meant.
Blah blah blah. I took the test. And then all of a sudden, I find myself cursing at my monitor. For freaking shallow reasons. (It's kinda funny NOW). Mam Pablo probably heard this and thought I was cursing her (oh please no, Mam Pablo's like one of my fave teachers) so she said it's ok for me to go back to Mrs. Ong.
I freeze in my seat.
I don't wanna orate.
Nuh-uh.
Of course, that's the stupidest thing you could say to yourself. "I don't wanna orate."
God, Miss Pablo's just so nice, you know.
I head back. Only, in that process, I find another 4-6 guy, on his way to the Tech Lab to "fetch" me. And this sucks because I don't wanna seem all VIP to the world you know. I hate that kind of attention.
I spend an ENORMOUS amount of time fixing my hair AFTER THAT. I don't know. I have hair issues, okay?
Boy, do I love Mrs. Ong. I really, really do. I look up to her. Up UP.
I come to 4-6 8 minutes later to find no Mrs. Ong in front of the class. So I head for the faculty. Before I do that, my Guild comrade Pauline and the 4-6 guy come to stop me from doing that because it turns out Mrs. Ong was seated at the back. It was embarrassing since the 4-6 guy was like, "hey, over here" or something like that. He had this very weird smile on, and I felt like I was the shittiest, weirdest person in the universe. It freaking made me feel inferior. It wasn't HIS fault, of course. The guy's nice.
I speak in front - BUT BEFORE I DO, SOMETHING WEIRD SLIPS OUT OF MY MOUTH. I was all: "Can I ask a question first, is Lindsley the contestant for the oratorical?" Well, Linds and I know each other so it's okay since ... since she's Lindsley. And basically half, if not a quarter of the senior English section knows me. It wasn't at all embarrassing while I was standing there. It was only after the speech, after I said: "thank you" and "bye bye" to the class that I realized I was so stupid for having to ask that fucking question.
It has nothing to do with 4-6 or Mrs. Ong - in fact, those are two things (THINGS?) I respect and revere. It has something to do WITH ME. Why do I have to be so damned screwed in the first place? The good news was/is: I felt good. I think I actually aced it. The BEST NEWS IS: my written piece was chosen for the Infantado-Ylagan (service excellence of teachers for nation-building) oratorical competition!!!!!! Oh, and the real contest was postponed to Monday).
Icing on the cake, y'all. I'm still the best writer in town (ahem, delete all bragging undertones - better yet, delete the whole sentence since some Miss Emo might burst again).
The rest is history. But hah! Think again! The bodily phenomenon still fluttered on me up to Chinese.
And it forever will.
Now, answer this for me, why don't you: WHY DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
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