Out of all my childhood drama (of broken families and broken selves), I gain one virtue that I can boast forever: the virtue of being headstrong.
However, there comes a disadvantage out of that positive characteristic. That is, when I am convinced (convinced meaning I have empirical, logical and rational proof), you can never undo the deed - you can never un-convince me.
Going back to the topic of family. I grew up with lies. I don't know how to explain it here directly but yes, they were lies. I grew up with lies. I'm not going through sappy drama again (like what I did in the previous posts) because that will only cause me to be angry and hateful. "Angry" and "hateful" are two things I don't want attached to me (because it's Exam Week o_O). I had empirical, logical and rational proof that my family was a lie therefore, I was convinced. Yes, "had" and "was". That means I'm not so sure now. I'm not so sure if I should start believing what they say. At the same time, I'm still 100% convinced. It's like I'm groping for something, can't find it, then I grope for it again. In the end, the outcome's the same: I was/am(?) convinced.
See how confusing it is to live my life, think my thoughts and write my feelings?
It makes it all the more confusing when you have a mother who bickers, manipulates and brags about everything she owns.
My life is nothing but normal. But heck, I'm not complaining about its abnormalities. I'm complaining about its constituents.
Gawd.
But it's kind of sickening when I hear myself say it: I grew up with lies.
Lies lies lies lies lies....
I don't know what to believe in this family anymore!
So this is what pushes me to badly want frankness, honesty, sincerity and straightforwardness. This is it. Because I hate lies. Lies are the most destructive things in life. Damn lies.
It's better to keep silent... than lie.
However, there comes a disadvantage out of that positive characteristic. That is, when I am convinced (convinced meaning I have empirical, logical and rational proof), you can never undo the deed - you can never un-convince me.
Going back to the topic of family. I grew up with lies. I don't know how to explain it here directly but yes, they were lies. I grew up with lies. I'm not going through sappy drama again (like what I did in the previous posts) because that will only cause me to be angry and hateful. "Angry" and "hateful" are two things I don't want attached to me (because it's Exam Week o_O). I had empirical, logical and rational proof that my family was a lie therefore, I was convinced. Yes, "had" and "was". That means I'm not so sure now. I'm not so sure if I should start believing what they say. At the same time, I'm still 100% convinced. It's like I'm groping for something, can't find it, then I grope for it again. In the end, the outcome's the same: I was/am(?) convinced.
See how confusing it is to live my life, think my thoughts and write my feelings?
It makes it all the more confusing when you have a mother who bickers, manipulates and brags about everything she owns.
My life is nothing but normal. But heck, I'm not complaining about its abnormalities. I'm complaining about its constituents.
Gawd.
But it's kind of sickening when I hear myself say it: I grew up with lies.
Lies lies lies lies lies....
I don't know what to believe in this family anymore!
So this is what pushes me to badly want frankness, honesty, sincerity and straightforwardness. This is it. Because I hate lies. Lies are the most destructive things in life. Damn lies.
It's better to keep silent... than lie.
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