Numb Damnation

Note: It's a diary entry from yesterday.

I think I’ll be wallowing in self-pity tomorrow. Disregarding the fact that we got school, some things just go attacking on me. I’m not Paris Hilton, you don’t have to scrutinize my every move you know. Sometimes if it’s me who’s wrong…or if I’m just right.

Anyway, I don’t want to care right now. Just right now. Everything’s temporary.

I want to be cold just for once.

I want to know how it feels like to be emotionless and numb to the nerves FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Just for once.

Just for once, I am tired of living this soap opera starring Shirley Maclaine, Julie Andrews, George O’Malley from Grey’s Anatomy, Mia Thermopolis from the Princess Diaries, and that hot guy from the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.

See, told you I’d be wallowing in self-pity soon.

People – another person has turned ITS back on me. Again. But I can’t get rid of this person because this person is… - you have to know who this person is before I let you know why. But the thing is I won’t let you know why because it’s something that I am unclear of too. So that only means that I could not disclose who the person is. Which, I think, is the most convoluted thing I have said in the entire month (week, I guess).

But I wanna be numb!

I don’t wanna be under this person’s heavy heart anymore.

I don’t EVEN wanna be in anyone’s heart at all (this is figurative and rhetorical. And yes, I am trying to be outrageously funny although I am not).

It’s something deep down and personal – only I could change the courses.

I know HOW to fix things. I ALWAYS know HOW.

I just don’t know when.

And WHERE I start.

Stupid? Yes.

I am only sure of one thing – what I want. And what I want is NOT to feel broken anymore.

I have always been broken! And I just realized the more I run from it, the more it chases. So that’s why I ALWAYS – have always WANTED to get closure for everything. I don’t like lying. I hate lying. It kills me to death. I mean, the only thing I lie about is (shh) …you know, like the fact that I broke my mother’s newly-bought glass thingy. Like the fact that I said I ate lunch today when I didn’t because… I am going insane because I can’t move. My schedule’s tight. Like dead tight. LIKE DEAD DEAD TIGHT. And some people, SOME PEOPLE just cannot get it. SOME PEOPLE who are obviously OLDER than me reprimand me for DOING NOTHING WRONG! I am innocent but blamed for every damned thing that is wrong in his life. If you know who I mean. (And, no, it’s not a family relative).

Right now, I could barely move my nerves.

I am tired. And weak. Pinch me, I might die. It’s not a social problem, not societal, not spiritual – but personal.

I know what, who, why and how.

But – Gosh, if you just know what is going on in my shoes right now.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe: There’s just so much damage that my heart cannot take it anymore. (That’s a line from Grey’s Anatomy’s Season 4 but George O’Malley was talking clinical – not cynical!).

I have moved on, yes. But that’s ONE MINOR problem. Now it’s something deep within. Personal.

Broken.

Unfixed.

Hated.

Damned.

I be damned.