I Love My Job

Crunch time once and again in the press room! Papers everywhere - files everywhere. Copy room's occupied. Editors busy. Editor-in-chief having coffee, preparing to pull an all-nighter.

In my dreams!

Gah. I wish I could live that life. If I could be a pro editor-in-chief of a magazine, I'd be the happiest girl in the universe. It's my dream. I wouldn't care if I'd pull a thousand all-nighters. I just wanna live the life.

But who's to say that my current life isn't like that? *brag mode. lol* That I, as the editor-in-chief of one of the most competent publications in Chinatown, doesn't gulp coffee in preparing to pull all-nighters?

Hey, I'm feeding my head balloon tanks of my own ego here. LOL. Forgive me for that.

Well, anyway, even though the stress is overwhelming like crazy, I can cope. Because I am motivated. Because I love what I do. Because I am driven only by those to things: motivation and passion. I'm drawn to the job so much - its positivities and negativities. Socialization. Friends. Drama. Photoshoots. Pictorials. Spreads. Fashion. Seminars. Politics. Philosophy. Psychology. Writing. Interviews. Life. Experiences. Photos. Stress. Editing. Field Trips. Documents. Layouting. Dummy prints. Mastheads. Articles.


And everything else.

"Articles? They will never stop coming," said Mr. Delos Reyes - my Guild adviser and Journalism Guru. When he said that, I realized it. He was right. He was so right. Those things will never stop coming!


I'll be seeing myself soon...in five years or so... in a magazine. A hotshot magazine.

Urge-Stifling

I may be academically degenerating but my life smarts are increasing each day (do I have the right to say that? *Laughs out loud*).

Well, see, I was researching about my topic for our English paper and realized I should base my facts from my previous Editorial "Stupid is the New Smart". But wait, before I go on, do you have any idea what my topic is? Come on! Guess! It's easy. It's obvious!

Moral Degeneration.

*Dies laughing*


If you refer to a LOT of my previous posts, you'd realize how obsessed I am with those two words. Hey, Mrs. Ong was the one who chose that! I gave her a list of topics (said list includes Sarah Palin and McCain, of course), but I have no idea why she chose that one.

So. Stupid is the New Smart. I started reading the first line.

"When a juvenile is approached..."

Eek. I died even before I finished reading the whole paragraph. HOW TRITE COULD I HAVE BEEN? WHY HAD I WRITTEN CRAP? Was that really JUST a year ago? HAS MY WRITING EVOLVED THIS MUCH? I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUBLISHED CRAP LAST YEAR - ON MY EDITORIAL, EVEN!

I can't believe how improved my writing now is. Now, I'm more... rational. Thankfully. Goodbye, Miss Trite. Hello, Hopeful.

I guess my writing's improved because I am improved.

Ya know what they say, writing isn't about vocab, grammar and putting those two both. It's about the writer's mind.

Guess Who's Problematic

It is now an official fact that Drama is too in love with me. The feeling, though, is NOT mutual.

Unrequited love, my friends, is what causes Drama to take revenge on me, thus, bringing MORE Drama to aid in Catherine-oppression.

So now, I dedicate this post to Drama.

A Percentage Analysis of This Certain Thing Called Catherine's Personal Life

1. Grades/Academic Life - 50%

My grades are spiraling downwards. If you think I'm exaggerating... If you think "oh, come on, you're Catherine Tan, you'll see high grades on your report card. You're just a worrywart.." Well, I wish you're right, but you are WRONG. Eeeps. I don't know how to defend my answer. It's true, I may be "smart" or "intellectual" but I'm also "uber lazy" AND "uber paranoid". What else? I set really high standards. I'm a PERFECTIONIST. No, I'm not calling myself perfect. I'm calling myself a perfectionist! And you should know that perfectionists pay attention to every single detail. Yes, yes, yes! If something goes wrong, well, I go at wits end. Not only that, I also kill myself thinking too much.

GAAAAH. My Accounting grade isobviously down (since, Kevs, Fleur, you guys know the answer right? The whole Mam Almazan class record thing? Rememba?).

My Social Studies grade - I might maintain my old grade but it's also highly unlikely since I don't even know what my Long Test score was! (Actually, I don't know it ON PURPOSE. The testpapers-giving day took place during my competition day...so... wasn't able to see it. Someone, though, took note of the scores but I told him not to tell me).

My Math grade - I got an 89 last quarter (which is pretty high for a Math Class person) and I was really, really satisfied. I only got an 83 last year. BUT NOW? This quarter? Flunked tests and seatworks! DAMMIT. I have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT MY MATH GRADE WILL BE NOW.

My Chem grade - 85, y'all. 85!!! That's too low. TOO LOW.

My Filipino grade - from 90 to ...what? Perhaps, an 88? CRAP. DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?

From 3rd Honor Rank 7, I will probably slip to Rank ..... 12! DAMMIT. DAMMIT. DAMMIT.

I'm supposed to get at least to the 2nd Honors. WHY? Because there's a prize. There's also a series of consequences if I don't get this prize. And it's not a tangible thing, my love.

See, I'm studying hard for a certain person. The details, I'm not supposed to tell you. But I'm doing this not just for myself, but for this PERSON who means so much to me... No, this person ain't part of my biological family. This person also ain't my crush. This person is....

Well, I just need to skyrocket my grades up this quarter. I really need to. I DO NOT want to devolve.

ONE MORE THING, COLLEGE. But we should talk about it during the "semestral break."

2. Physical Insecurities - 25%

My height is killing me. I'm so short I need to wear 3-inch heels to LOOK TALL. Uhh, other physical insecurities include...uhhh...I dunno. HEIGHT. HEIGHT. HEIGHT!


3. Family Drama - 10%

I've written posts about my clan, right?

4. Health - 10%

EARS

5. Sleep-deprivation - 1%

Number 1, number 2, number 3 and number 4 combined KILL ME.

I Heart Sarah Palin

I'm not supposed to be doing this - I'm supposed to be studying.. but NO... I just skirmish around Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page (she comments on Sarah Palin)... and then scroll down... and then POOF! I see haters all around bashing her, saying that she has no RIGHT to judge Sarah Palin.

Before I dismantle my inner nuclear bomb, I need to now organize my thoughts.

Well, first off, Sarah Palin is a damn politician. People, in nature, have the RIGHT to comment on their potential-future-leader.

Second, those people who commented on her blog, I know for a fact, DISLIKE Sarah Palin (seriously, who doesn't? LOL I'm kidding!) but bash Lindsay just for the kinks of it.

The worst comment a hater said was that Lindsay was judging Sarah Palin and that Linds MUST grow up now.

Listen, hater: Polish your grammar first before you go on ranting, okay?

Back to that topic. JUDGMENT.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, PEEPS! PEOPLE do not know the fine lines among OPINION, JUDGMENT AND VERBAL ATTACK! I bet these people don't even know that there is such a thing as a "fine line".

These people are the scourges of moral degeneraion.

Moral degeneration, people. Moral degeneration.

It's not that I'm biased because I basically LOVE Lindsay Lohan. I'm being morally intact here. And rational.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Verbal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

This is an example of a verbal attack: They don't teach those things in school, my fair dimwits (*refers to the haters*). They don't teach those in school... is that why you don't know 'em?

(It's a verbal attack since I used the word "dimwit")

Well, damn with the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Freedom of Speech. Harassment.

Vebal Attack. Judgement. Opinion.

Do you know how to differentiate them?

Hmpf.

I'll differentiate them for you when I'm not busy building my morals and intellect.

I'll differentiate them and I bet you a million bucks...

So now what.. You're gonna say that I'm judging all of you? Now you're gonna be saying that I'm verbally attacking you?

What close-minded angles!

What One Mouth Sayeth, the Other Sayeth Nay

Maybe I'm depressed? In a no-drama, no-biased way. I don't want to fully acknowledge that notion just yet. That's the last thing I wanna BE these days - depressed. After all, I can't trust my own judgment on this because I'm neurotic therefore I'm hypochondriac (hypochondriac means that I'm paranoid when it comes to sicknesses - but don't worry, it's not a personality disorder).

What made me think of depression? Well, here:

This is an article from a website - WebMD (here's the full link):

You may already know some of the emotional and psychological effects of depression. They include:

• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb. These feelings are with you most of the day, every day.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy. You might no longer bother with hobbies that you used to love. You might not like being around friends. You might lose interest in sex.
• Irritability or anxiety. You might be short-tempered and find it hard to relax.
• Trouble making decisions. Depression can make it hard to think clearly or concentrate. Making a simple choice can seem overwhelming.
• Feeling guilty or worthless. These feelings are often exaggerated or inappropriate to the situation. You might feel guilty for things that aren't your fault or that you have no control over. Or you may feel intense guilt for minor mistakes.
• Thoughts of death and suicide. The types of thoughts vary. Some people wish that they were dead, feeling that the world would be better off without them. Others make very explicit plans to hurt themselves.

Whew.

Let's assess.

1. Feeling sad, empty and hopeless - Check. (No need to expound. The cause of this is obvious: inner self struggles)

2. Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy - Check. One word: Friends. I'm getting so tired of their drama and the cause of their drama. Their drama becomes my drama too because of course, I'm concerned about them. Although I love them, I'm kind of getting tired and weary of them. Makes sense?

3. Irritability or anxiety - Check. Due to a LOT of reasons. See number 1 and number 2.

4. Trouble making decisions - Check. My head isn't clear at all. It's filled with thoughts painstakingly dispersed in my brain.

5. Feeling guilty or worthless - Semi-Check. I don't feel worthless at all. But I do feel guilty because of personal things.

6. Thoughts of death and suicide - Semi-Check. I don't think about suicide, but I think of death. In fact, I'm currently writing a story about death.



So there.

Am I depressed?

Should I be in shame - I'm a psychologist who happens to be DEPRESSED?

Depressed or distressed?

At least I have Phantom Planet!

A List of Things to Worry About

Tests are over but I'm definitely not happy. I will only be happy when we go to Korea this coming December - and that's because there's snow there. That and that only.

I sucked at the tests. Super disappointed in myself. Sheesh. Maybe my standards are too high for my own sake.

Anyway, I have classes later on (1:45PM)... so I'll just let this post be quick (if I can).


This'd serve as my daily reminder of my daily stress.

Stuff to Do:

1. Fulfill obligations as the Editor-in-Chief of a magazine - And that means: editing, writing an op ed and an editorial, EDITING some more, interviewing and being a leader.

2. Prepare for October 20's showdown - This means that I should start studying Literature and Grammar NOW.

3. Clean up clutter - This means I need to follow everything Reader's Digest (October Issue) says when it comes to clutter.

4. Look for Missing Things - This means that I need to look for my Library Card NOW.

5. Fix Social Life - This means that I need to start my Reflecting Month this November.

6. Clean Up iPod - This means that I need to start deleting songs I don't listen to anymore and start synchronizing those new Podcasts before my iPod's memory goes down the drain.

7. Get a Nice Rest For Goodness' Sake - This means that I need to get my First Quarter Lifestyle back. And you know what that means? That means NOT YM-ing friends at night after school. That means SLEEPING BEFORE 3PM.


That's it.

Peace, Love... Contemporary Rock (Part 2)!

I'm not doing anything right now (except this, of course) and ... in this free time, I browse my blog archives, realize that I write just like HRH Princess Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Grimaldi Renaldo (a.k.a Princess Mia the fictional character from Princess Diaries - LOL I'm laughing as I type this)... and observe that my love for Rock has grown like an Acacia Tree.

I'm a true blue music-lover if you really, really know me. Music is just so... powerful.

But, again, as you know, I really love Rock. Alternative Rock, Indie Rock, Rock and Roll, Heavy Rock, Christian Rock, Light Rock, whatever the Rock it is. (I just call it Rock. Plain and simple.)

If you're not acquainted with that FACT, well, here's a link that will show you how much I LOVE Rock. Gawd it feels like I wrote it a year ago.

There's a new list but of course that doesn't mean I don' love the old ones in the link anymore. I love my Rock equally ^_^

Here are my current faves (feel free to rave!):

Sheesh I don't know where to start...

1. Phantom Planet

They came to fame when the (once) hit show The O.C. used their song "California" as the theme song. I should tell you, "California" isn't the only noteworthy song in their history. In fact, I think ALL their songs have great quality - voice, melody, Rock essence - and more. The lead singer's (Alex Greenwald) voice is so versatile. He can evoke appropriate emotions AND his vocal variations are superb. He can make a song sound melancholy and hopeful (like in "Anthem" and "Lonely Day") and then shift to something that's loud, energetic and bold (like "Always on My Mind", "Hey Now Girl" and "Somebody's Baby"). He can go dark too ("In Our Darkest Hour").

But seriously, what makes them really unique to my ears is the weirdness of the sound itself. Take "Wishing Well", for example. If you listen to its intro (and its ending), you'd hear the weirdest sound effects in the universe. The vocal effects combined with the sound is amazing - cue "Leader" and "Do the Panic". They know how to play with their music instruments - cue "Dropped". Their uniqueness appeals to me. Other than that, they just really make me feel nostalgic, creative, bright... bittersweet - in short, they make me FEEL which is something that modern songs fail to do.

One more thing, the lyrics. Listen to "Anthem" - they make sense, don't they?

And of course, I love the lead singer's voice.

Applause to them. They're on my Top 3, really. I love them.

Favorite Songs: Well, I love all of them. Nuff said.

Latest Album: Raise the Dead


2. Rooney

Just a coincidence after having mentioned Princess Mia from the Princess Diaries, the lead singer in Rooney (Robert Carmine) played Michael Moscovitz (the male leading character) in the movie with Anne Hathaway.

Other than that, I bet you've heard the band if you used to watch The O.C.

Rooney's sound leans to the 70's era's Rock. But don't get me wrong - they're not those stuck-up hippies. They're like a cool, contemporary version of The Beach Boys (especially when they use the tremevin - a stringed instrument resembling the guitar).

They keep on making these repetitive sounds that I don't know how to describe. In short, they play with their voices.

Favorites Songs: "When Did Your Heart Go Missing", "I'm Shakin'", and "I Should've Been After You"

Latest Album: Calling the World

3. The White Tie Affair

Here's another band from Chicago (a la Panic At the Disco and Fall Out Boy)!

Their sound is rock plus dance plus alternative combined. This suits my taste perfectly. But the songs are more perfect for parties.


Their lyrics mostly contain angst/hostility towards an ex-lover (OUCH!). In a nutcase, the most significant thing about the band is their sound - vocals, rhythms, and all that.

Favorite Songs: "Allow Me to Introduce Myself... Mr. Right", "Scene Change", "Candle Sick and Tired" and "If I Fall"

Latest Album: Walk This Way


4. Plain White T's

They sprang into Hollywood/Music Industry fame when they released "Hey There Delilah", allegedly the most romantic love song ever. But I don't see what the fad with "Hey There Delilah" is. I don't really like it. In fact, out of all of the band's songs, "HTD" is my least favorite.

Well, you gotta give props to Plain White T's for the marvelous lyrics - dedicated to a girl named Delilah whom the lead singer (Tom Higgenson) claims to be the "most beautiful girl" he's ever seen. Awwwww.

Btw, the girl only went out with him after the single went popular worldwide. >>>>>> Delilah with Tom

What I like the most about the band is that they have the requisite Rock Essence. I think I've mentioned what the Rock Essence is before. Rock Essence - it is lyrics plus sound plus voice. Tom Higgenson's voice sounds so nasal - this works to their advantage 'cause their songs require that kind of voice - emotional, melancholy and super sentimental.

Their lyrics, however, delve into love and romance - every girl's favorite.

Favorite Songs: "1,2,3,4" - so romantic and sweet: "There's only 1 thing 2 say, 3 words, 4 you... I love you...", "Shine" - I think it's about a drinking/sobriety problem but the lyrics are brilliant. "So Damn Clever" - it's one of the fast songs, perfect, "Natural Disaster" - love the guitar works, the drums, everything!

Latest Album: Big Bad World


5. Jack's Mannequin

I've just recently listened to this band - but I've been hearing their name since forever so I thought why not try to listen to them? So I did.

Their sound is a combined "The White Tie Affair" and "Boys Like Girls", at the same time it's kind of John Mayer meets Jason Mraz. That's the only way to put it since I don't know much about this band yet. They have meaningful lyrics and they do possess the Rock Essence.

I heard that this band was formed by Andrew McMahon - a musical genius, if I may say so. Their sound is bold, kind of like a strong coffee early in the morning. Their sound is so vivid.

As for feelings, their music usually evokes a bright mood. It's best played during long roadtrips - loud in your iPod.

Favorite Songs: "Spinning" - love this!, "The Resolution", "Into the Airwaves"

Latest Album: The Glass Passenger



Whew, there goes my Rock IQ prowess!

Remember...


PEACE, LOVE, ROCK AND ROLL!

Lies, Lies, Lies... and the Virtue of Silence

Out of all my childhood drama (of broken families and broken selves), I gain one virtue that I can boast forever: the virtue of being headstrong.

However, there comes a disadvantage out of that positive characteristic. That is, when I am convinced (convinced meaning I have empirical, logical and rational proof), you can never undo the deed - you can never un-convince me.

Going back to the topic of family. I grew up with lies. I don't know how to explain it here directly but yes, they were lies. I grew up with lies. I'm not going through sappy drama again (like what I did in the previous posts) because that will only cause me to be angry and hateful. "Angry" and "hateful" are two things I don't want attached to me (because it's Exam Week o_O). I had empirical, logical and rational proof that my family was a lie therefore, I was convinced. Yes, "had" and "was". That means I'm not so sure now. I'm not so sure if I should start believing what they say. At the same time, I'm still 100% convinced. It's like I'm groping for something, can't find it, then I grope for it again. In the end, the outcome's the same: I was/am(?) convinced.

See how confusing it is to live my life, think my thoughts and write my feelings?

It makes it all the more confusing when you have a mother who bickers, manipulates and brags about everything she owns.

My life is nothing but normal. But heck, I'm not complaining about its abnormalities. I'm complaining about its constituents.


Gawd.


But it's kind of sickening when I hear myself say it: I grew up with lies.

Lies lies lies lies lies....

I don't know what to believe in this family anymore!

So this is what pushes me to badly want frankness, honesty, sincerity and straightforwardness. This is it. Because I hate lies. Lies are the most destructive things in life. Damn lies.


It's better to keep silent... than lie.

Ahem

My hatred for stupid people has once again given itself an acceleration of a million miles per minute.

Stupid people really annoy me.


*see definition of "stupid"




Fuck off.




*tries super hard to expunge anger out of system - I have Chinese Lit to study for tonight and the time's ticking... no need to get pissed... Catherine, no need to get pissed... no need to get pissed.... gaaaah! see in the next few hours I'm gonna waste my time hating this particular stupid person.

Dunno Why

I have this sudden strong aversion towards crappy status messages.

I hate it when they say "DND" in their status messages. I mean, if you don't want others to disturb you, what's the damned purpose of going online? If you can give me an answer that I can't counter, well, all hail you and your DND.

The second thing I hate: when people keep on using the word "BUSY" when someone else uses the word "BUSY" and then all of your YM Friends start using the word "BUSY" just for the heck of it.

Third, quotations. If you wanna quote somebody just for the kinks of it, then make sure the quotation has an impact, a striking X-factor that can make jaws drop. If your quotation is incapable of doing so, then, MAKE IT do so.

Well, those are just my opinions - blunt, straightforward and frank. (As always.)

After all...

Catherine Tan (Status Message):
*State: Full of opinions - strong ones. Mood: Intense. Mode: Aggressive. Mantra: The world is so full of pretense.*

Rip van Winkle

People say I'm losing weight and getting trim. I don't know if it's just because I wear more fitted clothes unlike back then (which I realize now, are one size bigger than my normal size). Or if it's because I'm REALLY losing weight.

I mean, how could I lose weight when all I ever do is sleep and eat (while listening to music, of course)? I don't know. I really don't. All I know is, I need to stop not doing my homework. I've already got a LOT of things piled up on my friggin' desk you know.

STUFF:
1. The Quest articles
2. Organize clutter in house (aka Filipino test papers, art materials, and magazines)
3. Stop flunking Math
4. Start reviewing for Chinese Math
5. Start reviewing for Chinese Lit aka Tsong Wen
6. Start reviewing for Chinese History aka Tsong He
7. Prepare for Eng. Quiz Bee on Oct. 20
8. Get my life straight


Oh. Now I know why I keep losing weight: It's because I'm stressed. When I'm stressed, I seek comfort food. And my comfort food happens to be taho (not the cheap ones you'd see lurking on the streets, you know).

Lawd Gawd. Just typing this makes me wanna got to bed.

Tired.

Crabsticks

It's 12:10 AM and my anxiety, as usual, is killing me.

Shittiness.


Of course, to suppress this anxiety thingy, I decided to lull myself to wikipedia. In doing so, I've come to terms with these three fat things:

1. neurosis
2. neurotic
3. neuroticism


I only read the first one because laziness loves me so much. The last two, however, made me not care about whatever the hell Wikipedia says. I am my own free encyclopedia!

Whatever, Wikipedia.

(LOL. Hey, I'm kidding here.)

1. neurosis - this is actually the opposite of psychosis. This is a PSYCHOLOGICAL DIRE PROBLEM okay? It's a personality disorder thingy.


2. neurotic - easy one. This defines me.


3. neuroticism - this is the noun form of what defines me. In short, it's not really a REAL psychological thingy like number 1, it is, however, what I consider to be a "STATE". This "STATE" is my STATE every single day so I don't know if you can still call it a state or a "LIFE".


See, this is how screwed I get. I used the word "thingy" more than two times (cue Fleur).

The ABC's of Life

And now I shall venture into teaching.

But before that, I shall give you a list of vocabulary words... make sure you understand them thoroughly, know them by heart, and apply them appropriately.

Voc. List # 1

1. responsibility - when I say something, I make it a point that I live up to it.

Example Sentence: Her damned friends failed to fulfill their responsibility to show up for a group meeting that should have had taken place last Wednesday.

2. friend - someone I can talk to anywhere, anyhow, anytime.

Example Sentence: She has very few friends because many of her old friends weren't friends at all.

Another Example Sentence: She doesn't want a "best friend", a "close friend" or a "best friend forever" - she just wants someone she can call a friend sans the quotation marks.

3. emo - someone who hates the world and is proud during that process

Example Sentence: All of her friends are emo.

4. friendless - someone whose friends resolved to abandonment

Example Sentence: She used to feel loved by her "close friends", but now feels friendless.

5. immaturity - "I am stupid and I don't know anything about the real world"

Example Sentence: Her friends succumb to immaturity and therefore she became friendless.

6. friendship - the most overrated abstract thing in the universe

Example Sentence: Her life is ruined by friendship.

7. frankness - what the world needs to be perfect; to accept the truth and to be the truth

Example Sentence: Her friends rejected any form of frankness.

8. listen - the ability to lend one's ears wholeheartedly to someone who is in the process of self-expression

Example Sentence: One thing her friends failed to do is to listen.

9. stupidity - the inability to think like a morally and emotionally intellectual human being.

Example Sentence: Her friends may be academically inclined, but if there's one thing they're really, really good at, it's stupidity.

10. smart - someone who knows life outside the Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Geometry/Trigonometry/ Chinese History/Chinese Literature books

Example Sentence: She has only one smart friend.

11. superficiality - "Look at me, I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm fashionable, I'm perfect. I'm just like one of those girls you see on 'Girls Gone Wild'"; "Look at me, I watch TV shows all day and that's the only thing I care about - minus, of course, my perfect looks."; "I'm a party girl, in a party world."

Example Sentence: If there's one thing she doesn't want her friends to go into, it's superficiality (but sadly, it's too late).

12. human being - a creature that, in general, sees, thinks and feels the real side of things.

Example Sentence: Are her friends human beings?