BOOM!

She's coming back again. She's HERE again. She's ruling over me again. She promised me to stay HERE for only ONE night. And I don't think I can handle her.

SHE? HER? I'm guessing you have no clue at all. Well, it has to be LARGE and HUGE because I'm writing like TWO posts for the night. She HAPPENS to be the doppelganger I mentioned in my other blog post "Fictional Autobiography of a Teenage B". And it's not my fault she's back. QUICK! Lemme get this down before she attacks. OH WAIT. She has already possessed me. And whatever you will be reading for the rest of this evening (after this paragraph) is HER writing. HER post. HER wrath.

Enjoy.

I was wrong. Boy I was wrong.

My target way back was easy. She was weak and vulnerable and easy to pulverize with my perfect shiny, metallic angel-spawned, pistol-lookalike crossbow. I aimed it at her. She died.

But not quite...

I won, really. I did. I killed her. But then I didn't know she had a doppelganger too. And her doppelganger was like MY doppelganger. It was bad and it was good. It was in many ways wrong and in many ways right. So I let go of her.

Hell I still ain't gonna care.

My crossbow MUST explode soon for it has reached its caged, bounded limits. It's time to wreak havoc. It's time to cause chaos. It's time to make war.

TO HELL WITH YOU!

And no, I have not found a target. Or let's just say everyone's my target. Shoot me. Before I shoot you first.

Why don't you kill me now? So we both end our misery?

Shut up before I stitch your lips using the nails of a dead man as the needle and the hair of a dead corpse as the fabric. And then stitch it up some more with the eternal flame of life. SHUT UP before I get my crossbow and stick it onto your mouth and morbidly engrave it there forever like a name engraved on a tombstone. Or whatever the heck you call that. I don't care. And you're not supposed to, either. Just shut up. I don't need to hear your words. Matter of fact, I'd be glad - ecstatic even if you ask me to bazooka them back to where they came from: from Hell (remember?). Then I'd stuff you back there to where you belong. Where? Hell.

One day, one day I'll lure you into my traps.


-- END --

Catherine's note: I read this all over again and I realized HOW EVIL my doppelganger was (and is). And shoot, I can't believe she said all those stuff. Catherine "Cath"(I), would never say those stuff. In fact, I'm actually scared for my alter ego. Hope she's not scared for me.

MISS-ery 2

As I said, there's gonna be more to come...more "i-miss-you's" and "i-miss-that-and-this's". They're all gonna come hitting soon. And my life is gonna be filled with emo and drama. Guess that's something you can't take away from girls like me.

Miss-List 2:

This is dedicated to my loyal guy friends who have been there more than my girl buddies have been (with the exception of a few like Arianne, Camille - my current BFF and one that I would VOW never to lose, Cha - another BFF, Bea, Steph "Sexy" and the others). They were there when I was sick - they even dropped by home twice just to see how I was doing and I am forever, eternally even, grateful for that very sweet gesture.

For that, I dedicate a whole post to them.

I'm gonna miss Kenny's DARK pessimistic days.

I'm gonna miss Aldric's crankiness.

I'm gonna miss Jake's ridiculous stories especially during AP when Ma'am Ileto discusses (ha!).

I'm gonna miss Paul's cheerfulness.

I'm gonna miss Mollie's "BFF-ness". I have no idea how to describe this, I don't even know if I should include him here 'cause he's THE BEST FRIEND. I think it has to be separated.

I'm gonna miss Edgardo's lust for knowledge (hahaha LAUGH AT THIS, EGGY!).

I'm gonna miss Jake's stories about Brue (Rach).

I'm gonna miss Kenny's weirdness.

I'm gonna miss turning Aldric optimistic.

I'm gonna miss Mollie for being ALWAYS on my side even when the world crumbled and wiped my wit, money and soul to DUST. That one thing's already ten times the regular.

I'm gonna miss Matthew's "wit" (Remember Friendster? Remember the Biotech seminar? "Pointy Hair!").

I'm gonna miss Jake's LPU-ness and his total admittance of that fact.

I'm gonna miss Kenny's late night YMs.

I'm gonna miss arguing with Paul about the silliest things.

I'm gonna miss telling them all about my ugly, foul day.

I'm gonna miss their making me feel better. ALWAYS. (Never has there been a day without them cheering me up or trying to cheer me up).

I'm gonna miss Aldric's sending me stuff that are way beyond my league (like Paula Abdul's newest song!).

I'm gonna miss laughing with them ALL.

I'm gonna miss making THEM laugh.

I'm gonna miss hating them. Well, because it's natural for girls to hate guys.

I'm gonna miss their constant ANNOYING-ness and plain...(the word to use is WEIRD)...absurdness!

I'm gonna miss hanging out with them.

I'm gonna miss just being with them.

I'm gonna miss their "changing" because of me.

I'm gonna miss their problems.

I'm gonna miss psychoanalyzing their problems.

I'm gonna miss loving them. (DO NOT CRINGE, PLEASE. Girls say this all the time to their FRIENDS).

I'm gonna miss just being ... ALWAYS the only girl in the group.


SPECIAL:

I am so not sure if I should include this above because I really don't consider him a guy friend - WILSON. I'm gonna miss Wilson's massive girly-ness.

I'm gonna miss hearing Wilson call everyone "ate".

I'm gonna miss lending Wilson my always-low-battery dictionary.

SPECIAL SPECIAL:

Mollie - I don't know how to say this, but, best friend is different from best guy friend. There's just a fine line I cannot cross to explain or differentiate it.

I'm gonna miss Mollie as a best friend. And I hope we won't float far away from each other. By distance, he's already far away (when I said distance, I meant he was like 30 meters away from me. LITERALLY!). I don't wanna let distance hinder friendship, or love for that matter.

There's just too much to say that leaves me nothing to come up with.

I'm gonna miss my best friend.

Peace, Love....Contemporary Rock!

Note: This was supposed to be published on Feb. 14, 2007. But I wrote it on Feb. 13, 2007. Well, today is Feb. 15 and I'm sick AGAIN and absent AGAIN. And I'm bored AGAIN (can't do much when you're chronically SICK like me you know)

I'm sick, like right now. It's 11:30 in the morning and I'm out of school. That only means something, I have the time off!! Finally, a break! Finally, I had a good sleep last night! I really don't wanna think of anything else right now except for relaxing. The past few months have been as tense as inferno. And inferno wouldn't be a fair "punishment" because I haven't done anything like MAJOR WRONG. Hey, it's not my fault I'm sleeplessly stressed!

I'd miss FOUR quizzes today. But it doesn't matter to me that much right now...

Anyway, I think I'm sick. Like, I may be spawning a chronic disorder within my dysfunctional veins. You see, a few minutes ago, I was researching about the Ear for Bio and then I saw something I might have. ALL of the symptoms showed me.

I realized something again: I am so paranoid.

Last summer I thought I had cancer, for Pete's sake! LOL! Seriously...

Moving on, right NOW, I think I might have something neurological. Which sucks, if you ask me. Since I already have tinnitus. Both are involving the EAR. Suddenly. I find myself falling for Biology.

In my free time, which is NOW, I take the chance to honor Music - it who soothes the savage beast in me. And this savage headache as well. More importantly, I position the limelight on ROCK. I define "rock" differently, though. It's not high-strung strumming of guitars like metallic rock. In fact, it has taken on a new form. I don't know what that form is, really. I just know one thing, ROCK is the most emotional, most proliferating genre in Music EVER. It just continues growing emotionally. And if you could notice, it's the one genre that expresses much emotion unlike R&B who's just meant to ease... Unlike Pop, which just POPS! Unlike anything else.

Rock is a part of my life now. Having said that, I say it's not just a music genre, but also a WAY OF LIFE.

This is a tribute to all my first-loves in Rock.

1.) OneRepublic

I used to hate 'em. But I guess the more you hate the more you love. That ALWAYS works for me. The more you hate thing? Yeah, it always does.

What I Like About Em: The lead singer Ryan Tedder adds to the ear and eye candy. I mean it, his voice is like so ... emotional and full of potential in every way possible. Their lyrics are not only poetic, they're not "Shakespearean" type too. Mind you, Shakespearean type poetic is getting overrated nowadays. Plus, people who use it, I believe are MERELY putting together words that seem and LOOK deep, but lack profundity.

Writers nowadays tend to find depth in depth. That just doesn't work 'cause it looks like you're just copying others' works. You all know how much I hate copying right? One's style, one's looks, one's opinions? You can't copy those. And I'm glad OneRepublic keeps themselves caged from that lane. Unlike others around here...

Favorite Single: It's so hard to decide! Definitely, it's not "Apologize" because it's too common now. I guess it's "All We Are". It's an unreleased single.


2) Fall Out Boy

What I Like About 'Em: Other than having Pete Wentz's presence, I like 'em because they make wonderful music together - yes, all four of them. Every song they have is perfect. There's like no song in a Fall Out Boy album that I wouldn't come to love. Although their titles make no connection to their lyrics; and are usually long, they prove to be witty (example: Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year << style="font-weight: bold;">Favorite Single: Very hard to decide, seriously!! I mentioned before that I love all their songs, right? But I guess I love "I'm Like a Lawyer" the most.


3) Lifehouse


People say that they're a Christian Rock group, and many of their songs have been a subject under scrutiny because of that. But whatever. I don't even know what Christian Rock is.

What I Like About Em: Voice. Lead Singer (Jason Wade). Lyrics. Tempo. That's what I look for in Rock, anyway. Most of their songs are uber romantic. Those are the type of songs you'd listen to while watching the sunset. Sappy, emotional and just...contemporary rock. Besides, Jason's voice is so raspy. (I love him!)

Favorite Single: Hmmmm, hands down, it's "Chapter One". I love "Whatever it Takes" too.

4) Dashboard Confessional

What I Like About Em: Truth be told, I am in love with Chris Carrabba (Italian lead singer). He's like perfect. He writes his/their own songs, he composes his/their own tunes. And he's the most perfect, most poetic writer EVER. His lyrics are PERFECT. Very soothing songs, perfect when it's summer and you're in the mood for solitude and aloneness.

Their lyrics won't mean a thing if you don't listen to their music. (If only I weren't sick right now, I'd be squealing at the thought of Chris Carrabba)

Favorite Single: I could say this without THINKING!!! "Stolen", of course! Most romantic song ever. I loved the video to heck!

I love Chris!

5) Incubus

What I Like About Em: This band pretty much changed themselves to the top. Perfect evolution. At first I didn't like them, but with their latest songs, I've grown to love 'em! The lead singer's voice is, again, so (am looking for the right adjective to use) heart-stopping. (Haha)

Although their name is freaky and a li'l on the dark side (Incubus is a devil. What devil, you ask? Oh, let's not go there!), their songs aren't "dark" at all!

Favorite Single: Definitely, "Talk Shows on Mute".

Sentimental and Emotional (Dedicated to the World)

I know you love me. I know you're trying to take care of me. But some factors like Time and Distance just keep blocking our light. We still grow, only, we grow short. We need the light, okay? We really do. At least, I need it. Because I'm the one who needs the most light. Time and Distance have weakened me.

This is dedicated to the world, to the society and to the non-cynics who are created to build.. Build what? You decide.

I love you, World. I appreciate things that you give me. But we need to break down Time and Distance before we could grow to a full length.

I love everything you give me.

I love life. I really love life.

But I'm just growing too emotional and sentimental... I need the light to survive.

Sweetest Sin = Most Bitter Punishment

Remember: Approximately 16 days from now (minus the exam week and minus the Saturdays), it all ends. Like, poof! After that ending comes another beginning. I don't know what I'm really afraid of: detaching too early or leaving for good. That translates to: missing my classmates when summer needs its warm welcome; or being out of Math class forever. There is literally no returning when you leave. (Figuratively, there is.)

There's a glassful of things I just cannot find answers for. Not at this moment.

And I know, I know. You think this is just some no-big-deal non-sense right? You think WE are overreacting? You think we are exaggerating? You think we're implying death here? Well, I could only say that a young horse would never know how grass tastes like if he doesn't immerse itself in it. I mean people won't know what it's like to be here if they don't stay and live.

And... I may be smart when it comes to stuff about life. I may be intellectual in analyzing people, or Psychology as my friends say... I may be getting better in Anatomy (Yeah, Bio). I may even be a real-live genius when it comes to changing people's lives..but I'm no highbrow when it comes to Math. And for that, I am punished. I don't see a reason, though. Being separated from the people you love and limiting boundaries you need to cross is ten million levels higher than not achieving something that destiny and time wanted you not to reach.

Yeah, all I could do is remember.

Red

Every time I get home and open YM, I turn beet RED. Usually not from embarrassment, but from too much emotions. Either positive ones or negative ones.

I can't stand this hyperactivity. Blame Cupid.

BLAME CUPID!!! OMG THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO THE UBER POSITIVITY!!! I'm like already shouting here!!!

STOP ME!!!!!

I HATE REDNESS!!!!

Summer

Summer. Summer. Summer. I’d be an airhead stupe if I yell around here screaming: I REALLY CAN’T WAIT!!! But I’d be less than enthusiastic if I just mutter around here: Summer is fun.

So I guess I’m stuck with this to prove that I love summer.

If Summer 2005 was “developing year”….where I:

1. Met Gemma and Pauline
2. Attended heaps of workshops
3. Attended Music lessons
4. Immensely had fun.

If Summer 2006 was "fun summer" ...

1. Only summer I was relaxed
2. Few months before I was to transfer to CKSC
3. Graduation Day! (Memorable moment: I broke Dad's laptop one day before Grad Day!)
4. Calligraphy Lessons (Don't ask.)

If summer 2007 was "reinventing stage"...

1. The hardest summer by far...
2. My very own 3-step program towards LIFE: Accept. Change. Move On.
3. Novel : )
   
4. "Antivirus"
5. Hibernation
6. NO Workshops to attend
7. Reflecting on self
8. Changing
9. Blogging
10. Movin' Forward
11. LL's relapses

Then Summer 2008 is going to be "the best ever".

Emo

I'm listening to the same emo song I listened to the other post. And I feel like I might cringe and cry again. I can't stand this, I have a heavy heart. And its heaviness a burden that is like trepidation plus melancholy. This feeling is bringing me down. The pride I used to have got swollen and it subsequently burst into tiny teardrops...and then those painstaking drops swam to the ocean and drowned. But my dignity is still intact. Nothing can dissect it.

I like it this way.

But someone needs to resuscitate my heavy heart. It's swelling now, and I don't want it to burst like my pride. Save my heart, please. It's too heavy to carry.

I'm lusting for my curiosity to vanquish itself. Either that or give me a damn time machine.

Why am I thinking all this?

Because I'm gonna miss 5. The class that I stuck with glue together is not waterproof. And when I leave, water might come rushing in. They need me. I know that, they told me. And I need them too. They know that, I told them.

I feel pathetic. They think I feel pathetic. I hope it's only a wave of paranoia. I wish that.

Otherwise, death might come rushing in in my ocean.

Emo. Me.

MISS-ery

About 28 days (weekdays) from now, everything is going to change once more. Here we go again with my three-step program called: Accept. Change. Move on. Whatta week. Or shall I say, whatta school year? I was wrong back then - back in the first months of this school year. I said that sophomore year is and will be the worst. But that was just a feeling, an expression that I needed to express before I burst - definitely not a thought or a conclusion. Nothing I write in this blog is confirmed anyway that's why it's called Fictional Autobiography. But I guess you know that by now.

I don't know how to stay in touch during summers. But who really cares? Every thing's gonna change anyway, right? I don't know. I told you, I don't know what to think.

But, gawd, this school year's the best. I learned so many things from the smartest people I know and also from the "least" competent people I know (ouch! Hey, no offense please. That was a hyperbole). "People" and "Events" made this school year productive.

I learned so much, let me reiterate that. SO MUCH. I also grew up so much. I learned how to control my stupid heart. I learned how to control my big fat mouth. I learned how to psychoanalyze the word "how". I learned everything and much more.

That's why I'm gonna miss this school year so much. SO MUCH.

My heart is currently literally pulsating itself out. I don't know why I feel so nervous writing a post like this.

And here's my Miss List:

(Don't worry, it's not arranged in any particular order. Just random.)

I'm gonna miss calling Stephanie Garcia "sexy".

I'm gonna miss chatting with friends 'til 3 AM while balancing homework on the other hand.

I'm gonna miss Ms. Reginio's light-heartedness (I realize Filipino teachers REALLY ARE confidence-builders. Just like Ma'am Gabiane last year.)

I'm gonna miss having Filipino as a favorite subject (you never know, I might rekindle my love for English again next year)

I'm gonna miss Denise from my Chinese classes because she's gonna be graduating after said 28 days. SIGGGHHH!!!!

I'm gonna miss Guild meetings with Mr. Delos Reyes (Gosh. The Guild is something I feel so attached to. SO ATTACHED to. I cannot detach from it right away, I might die! And therefore I can say that: I love the guild. And once I love something, I won't be able to move on from it until some massive thing happens. SHOOT me.)

I'm gonna miss Miss Estacio's errr moodiness.

I'm gonna miss Mrs. Villaron so much more.

I'm gonna miss Snow White.

I'm gonna miss my "barkada" in Section A in Chinese.

I'm gonna miss hunting and chasing Mr. Someone with Cha, Camille and Bea.

I'm gonna miss Cha calling me "terror".

I'm gonna miss calling Cha ...uhmm...names that I rather not mention here.

I'm gonna miss asking for Kevin's technologically related advice nearly once a month. Talk about technological therapy.

I'm gonna miss laughing with II-5.

I'm gonna miss Mr. Blue the notebook.

I'm gonna miss not sleeping because of writing for articles for The Quest.

I'm gonna miss staying up late.

I'm gonna miss (oh gawd, an emo song is playing as I write this. That emo song will make me sappy..Eek don't let me cry! Damn tears) crying in school.

I'm gonna miss The Guild - how many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss the Seniors who have purposefully attached themselves to my life. I will never forget you, people!

I'm gonna miss my 3 stalkers: An old lady, a weird teenager and a kindergarten pupil. Go on, laugh!

I'm gonna miss hanging out in Ersao.

I'm gonna miss teasing Camille to someone she hates.

I'm gonna miss getting to know everyone.

I'm gonna miss Aileen even more. Crap.

I'm gonna miss "picnics" with Cha, Camille and Stephanie (Section A classmates again!)

I'm gonna miss therapy sessions with Jasmine and Eunice.

I'm gonna miss Bea's care-taking antics.

I'm gonna miss Snow White! Boo hoo! Her subject's the only subject I get 99's in. Hahaha. Gotta love Chinese History.

I'm gonna miss stalking.

I'm gonna miss self-actualizing.

I'm gonna miss Statistics.

I'm gonna miss Biology.

I'm gonna miss Elizableggtch (STAYING ALIVE, people!)

I'm gonna miss Rachelle even more.

I'm gonna miss the study periods.

I'm gonna miss the "Friendship Bond" that I used to teach my classmates during study periods.

I'm gonna miss teaching Andrew "limits". And his appreciation for my teaching it to him.

I'm gonna miss my Saturday sessions.

I'm gonna miss The Guild. Shoot. How many times have I mentioned that?

I'm gonna miss missing ANTM.

I'm gonna miss hating the world.

I'm gonna miss lingering around the faculty few minutes after Chinese dismissal.

I'm gonna miss writing posts for this blog...

...this isn't the end of my Miss List. There are still millions of stuff to pierce into that list. Just you wait. I need to cut this short now. But heck, wait for the others before this emo song kills me.

Thirsty But I Can't Drink

For once, I'm keeping my philosophy and my psychoanalysis intact.

Think again!

Indeed, think again. I'm having little synaptic breakdowns again - there's something wrong with my neurons, they just can't seem to think right. I'm lacking the presence of mind again. You know, I just wish my mind would stop wandering away from its home. I'll be sick of that.

Speaking of my brain, there's something IT wants to drink but cannot seem to because of my laziness. It's thirsty with things - not just one, but many. I'm thirsty but I can't seem to grab one tall glass of water. Or better yet, one tall glass of a gallon of water. If that is in any way possible. I'm so sick of my brain. Why can't I control it? Are my neurons dysfunctional in a way that they cannot connect my brain to my errrr thinking AND willpower? Moreover, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?