Time, Enemies and Chances 2

Author’s Note: This post was written two weeks ago. I really like this one – it had too much emotions. I know that writing NOT in the spur of the moment leaves the content emotionless, but I do hope you extract some from this because I used LOTS in writing this. Matter of fact, I used my Chinese Math teacher’s (kuracha) period here which is a hard thing to do, by the way. (Don’t wanna get caught! That would tarnish my goody-good girl impression while in the Chinese instruction. You know very well what I mean because I’ve mentioned it before, right? LOL). Refer to the other post here called “Of Time, Chances and Enemies”.

Here we go again…

… of time, chances and enemies.

Time wants to be friends with me, I learned. He probably saw my blog post and decided I was good enough. In fact, I think he’s been obsessed with me since. Why? He’s been tugging along with my every move, entering my life and pushing away even my closest of friends. Honestly, I don’t like it when he does that. When Time and I talk, though, he keeps on telling me recounts of the past. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, really. There’s nothing wrong with Time moving backward – not at all!

That statement was an epiphany. And that epiphany made me like moving backward. Now I’m obsessed and possessed. I don’t know if I want to stick to the present and at the same time elope with Time to the past. But if I do so, the chances of me living my ideal me would leave me. Then the only enemy I would have would be I. I don’t know what to do. If I let go of Time, things would be the same as it was back then but he would be the enemy. Tell you what, I’ve had enough enemies for a year.

Now I’m pondering, would Time really regard me as an enemy?

Life is Like ...

I imagine myself soaking someone into a pool of alcohol. Vodka, martini, daiquiri, whatever. Preferably, all of them mixed together. And who’s that “someone”? You should have guessed by now. Me. Myself. And. I.

My life is so simple when you make it simple, but it ain’t so simple when you don’t. It’s like alcoholism – life in general is like alcoholism…so simple yet so complex. So easy yet so difficult.

Why I am comparing life to such a thing is due to my behavioral observations (cue LL).

And life’s like this and that:

You drink straight from the bottle

Gulp one more

And one more

And double that

And double the doubles

Get hooked

Drink more

Get addicted

Indulge

Experience problems

More, bigger problems

Crash your car

Go to rehab

Leave rehab

Abstain

Relapse

Back to rehab

Do God-knows-what in rehab

Relapse

Deny

Deny

Don’t stop

Hit rock-bottom

Go to rehab once more

Reflect

Accept

Change

Move on

Leave rehab

Enter real world…

And when you enter the “real world” is the time you choose…

Of Time, Chances and Enemies...

So many questions, so little time…

But I’d like to stress out here: Bipolar emotions – or at least, emotions to the extremes like wrath, sadness and happiness are all so short-lived. I have particularly tried to sift that philosophy into my head for the past days but every time I try to, something in me tells me that that is true, only with a few “loopholes”. The prolonged “happiness” you feel isn’t “happiness”, it’s actually joy. It’s like comparing “weather” to “climate”. And when you feel that prolonged anger/wrath, it’s not entirely “wrath” because what you feel is resentment – unless otherwise you feel repose. And sadness isn’t sadness; you feel dissatisfaction and discontentment.

That is, based on my many personal experiences regarding those matters.

It actually took me weeks to figure that out, you know. How pathetic…

…and now I’m losing time. It makes me wonder if I still have the chance to apply what I have learned from the past year 2007 because it seems like even though 2008 has just started, I am losing time. I guess you know what I mean – I’m losing time to improve because the school year is ending in two months and I wouldn’t know what to do if the time comes and I get cut – because I will get cut. It wouldn’t be a matter of pride or fame – no honors and all that. They mean NOTHING to me when compared to the self-esteem I have established just by being with those people, and of course – the best part is the love.

But that’s not the topic I wanna stress out.

I start to wonder if there’s such a thing as “too late”. And yes, there is – but only if you can’t stop it. There it was. I made the mistake of making things reach to a level one too late. Just too late, you know…

And now, I’m not even sure…because “now” is the only time I’ve tried.

My chances are withering away with time. My chances LEFT me ages ago. Now, I’m in the fray.

Time has always been my greatest enemy you know.

But lately, I proved that the only way you can defeat an enemy is to make it your friend…

…the problem is, would time befriend me?

Delirium and Dementia

I’m back!

The semi-happy Cat is back after a few minutes of meditation. Back and Better than ever! At least that’s what my mind thinks.

At last, I am out of insecurities (this happened, I guess, because of too much RPG playing – who would have thought?), I am out of negativities and I’m full of … positivity. It just happened over the vacation. I NEEDED a break – to get more sleep (that’s the most important part of it all!), to enjoy the entertainment life and get out of the little, cracked up world I used to live in. Well, here I am now! I needed a break, above all, to think. Or reflect. Reflect is a better term. And I realized how much of a nutcase I’ve been all these months being so paranoid of the world.

Now I care but in a positive way.

That would be a great thing to start my new year (my official new year starts on January 28, 2008 as it is my birthday where slight unluckiness befalls and rains – literally – on me).

(Random: I’m craving for Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Moving on, here is my clichéd New Year’s Resolution list. This isn’t arranged according to importance. It’s random – just like me. And this is born out of the spur of the moment so don’t expect straight-thinking. I mean it.

1. Practice self-control.
2. Immerse self in studying as long as it does not affect sleep ; )
3. Try not to thrive in other people’s business. Especially ones who live in front of the computer.
4. Do not have devilish, bratty tantrums.
5. Do not write about outbursts – or let alone think about it. It makes the head ache.
6. Make more lists.
7. Overthink more.
8. Read less predictable Chick-Lit.
9. Lessen internet time as it corrupts the mind inside and out. It also makes one stupider as it makes you misspell and mistype every word you’re certain that you memorized by heart.
10. Expect less of myself.
11. Think positive
12. Not flunk my Chinese tests
13. Watch more ANTM
14. Not flunk my Math test (oh, please, oh please, I need 2 more points to at least secure my place in 3-5 hopefully. God. I don’t wanna leave them!!! I won’t last that long outside my safe haven of burrows. Let the cut-off be 85 – PLEASE. Please. Please. Please. Please. Just at least let me know or else it’s bye bye time)
15. Eat less fast food takeouts
16. Watch more TV
17. Communicate with God
18. Keep desk clean and organized
19. Do not live at the spur of the moment.
20. Stop overwhelming, over-calculating, over-limiting and over-second guessing myself. It’s bad for the health.
21. Think of better days
22. Concentrate on reality
23. Live
As you can see, these don’t sound like REAL resolutions. But I doubt that there’s any REAL resolution in the world. It’s more like a day’s itinerary plan or a to-do list. That’s what resolutions are anyway – a day’s itinerary that must go along through the rest of the year. Lots of changes have been made this year (shall I say last year?) – some for the good, some for the bad, some for the hopeless.

I bet I’ll improve my new year’s resolution someday.

For now? I’m sticking to living for life.

Not Furious. Just Curious.

Well, first of all, I don’t understand why I have to sit in front of the computer and expand my futile misery BY thriving on a celebrity’s misfortunes. WHY. DOES. THIS. HAVE. TO. BUG. ME? I don’t know. Can someone SMART enough answer that for me? Because whenever I come up with answers to THAT question, I end up forcing myself to not answer the question at all. So go ahead. Mock me. Mock my misery.

But I need the answer now.

HOW COULD HER LIFE BE ANY OF MY CONCERN? Why should I care about her life? Why should I let my life be ruined by looking at her life? Damn it. And you think I was SMART enough to know not to care.

Just slap me on the head and get this over it. Before I slap her in the head and get THIS over with.

Come on, for God’s sake why do celebrities have to be so addicting?

(P.S. Please do a double take on my title)